Welcome Comrades to the 98th edition of the Dispatch
Just when you were telling all your friends that the Dispatch is "always late" we decided to bring you this issue two days early! Showed you, didn't we? The explanation is that I'm off for a week and I wanted to get this out before I left. A big thank you to all our staff for working to my accelerated deadline!
And while we're on the subject of holidays:
Happy Canada Day to our Canadian readers (July 1st)! 
Happy Independence Day to our American readers (July 4th)! 
Happy Fete Nationale (Bastille Day) to our French readers (July 14th!) Okay, here's what we have on tap for you: In our Leading Section we have the results of the "Why did the hippo leave?" contest.
The first major section is Mess Hall and Interrogation Room, which includes not only Safariguy's Mafia Insider but also the answers to your questions for blakebowling.
The Platoon Report covers all aspects of the Clan scene.
War Games has the TPA update and more!
Cartographic Surveillance includes what's new in the Foundry. Some amazing maps in development -- if you haven't looked lately then maybe you should.
Finally, our Next Mission Brief includes such things as the closing credits and information on how to subscribe. It also includes our second-ever Classified Ad.
Dukasaur - Chief Executive
Why did the hippo leave? (Contest results)
Seven writers took their shot at explaining why the hippo left, and I assembled a panel of eight illustrious judges to look at their work. Our first place winner stood head-and-shoulders above all others. Scoring 44 out of a possible 56 points, Keefie takes first place.
keefies entry
Reuters Breaking News:
Hippo has Trans-Species Surgery
Amazing news emerging from Bangkok today where Doctors have announced that a young Hippo from New Zealand has undergone ground breaking Trans-Species surgery.
Dr Chanuwat Cuttdickoffalot and his team from the world famous Bangkok Private Clinic, the worlds leading trans-gender surgery hospital, held a press conference at 11am this morning where they gave the following statement:
"During the last 10 years the Bangkok Private Clinic has performed thousands of successful gender re-assignment surgeries and are proudly able to claim that we are the number one clinic in the world. We are always searching for new and improved treatments and it was during our research that we discovered a new technique that would allow us to not only change the sex of a person/animal but actually change their species. After announcing that clinical trials would start this year we were inundated with pleas for help. Out of the thousands of applications, one stood out from the crowd.
We received a letter from a young Hippo from New Zealand whose story tugged at the heart strings of everyone who read it. He explained that as a young Hippo he felt very confused and always felt that something wasn't quite right. At a very early age he would bury bones in his parents garden, he would chase the neighbours cat and he bit the postman on may occasions. He always had a wet runny nose and was forever getting in trouble spraying his urine all over the house and garden. Things got worse as a teenager when he got into trouble with the police for hanging around the local kennels with a small bag of doggie treats and chasing the local sheep. Although we're not sure if that symptom was down to his species problem or the fact that he's from New Zealand.
Finally he decided to do something about it, although at this stage he still wasn't sure what the problem was. He tried cross-dressing see (fig.1)
and hanging about with other animals (fig.2) and it was during this stage that he finally realised what he should be, the relief was immense.
Fig.1
Fig.2
The process we have developed here involves the patient taking a long course of gene therapy which works by altering the subjects DNA. Once the patient becomes the new species on the inside we go ahead with the skin transplant.
In the case of the Hippo, you can clearly see from (Fig.3) that this process has been a remarkable success. Nearly all prominent Hippo features have been transformed into those of a Canine. Ahem, well nearly all.
During the months ahead our patient will continue to take his gene therapy until all traces of Hippo are removed.
Finally our patient would like it to be known that from now on his name is - Brian.
Thank you Ladies & Gentlemen."
Fig.3
Hippo has Trans-Species Surgery
Amazing news emerging from Bangkok today where Doctors have announced that a young Hippo from New Zealand has undergone ground breaking Trans-Species surgery.
Dr Chanuwat Cuttdickoffalot and his team from the world famous Bangkok Private Clinic, the worlds leading trans-gender surgery hospital, held a press conference at 11am this morning where they gave the following statement:
"During the last 10 years the Bangkok Private Clinic has performed thousands of successful gender re-assignment surgeries and are proudly able to claim that we are the number one clinic in the world. We are always searching for new and improved treatments and it was during our research that we discovered a new technique that would allow us to not only change the sex of a person/animal but actually change their species. After announcing that clinical trials would start this year we were inundated with pleas for help. Out of the thousands of applications, one stood out from the crowd.
We received a letter from a young Hippo from New Zealand whose story tugged at the heart strings of everyone who read it. He explained that as a young Hippo he felt very confused and always felt that something wasn't quite right. At a very early age he would bury bones in his parents garden, he would chase the neighbours cat and he bit the postman on may occasions. He always had a wet runny nose and was forever getting in trouble spraying his urine all over the house and garden. Things got worse as a teenager when he got into trouble with the police for hanging around the local kennels with a small bag of doggie treats and chasing the local sheep. Although we're not sure if that symptom was down to his species problem or the fact that he's from New Zealand.
Finally he decided to do something about it, although at this stage he still wasn't sure what the problem was. He tried cross-dressing see (fig.1)
and hanging about with other animals (fig.2) and it was during this stage that he finally realised what he should be, the relief was immense.
Fig.1
Fig.2
The process we have developed here involves the patient taking a long course of gene therapy which works by altering the subjects DNA. Once the patient becomes the new species on the inside we go ahead with the skin transplant.
In the case of the Hippo, you can clearly see from (Fig.3) that this process has been a remarkable success. Nearly all prominent Hippo features have been transformed into those of a Canine. Ahem, well nearly all.
During the months ahead our patient will continue to take his gene therapy until all traces of Hippo are removed.
Finally our patient would like it to be known that from now on his name is - Brian.
Thank you Ladies & Gentlemen."
Fig.3
In second place, we have an entry by Roussallier, entitled "Of Hippos and Men."
roussalliers entry
Of Hippos and Men
Hippo was the youngest calf of three in his family. Tragically, when he was very young his mother ate a poisonous mushroom and died - leaving it to her friends to take care of Hippo and his two brothers.
Their wading pool was close to a pride of lions, and when he saw the king's daughter Hippo would always break out in pink sweat. She would sing when she came to drink from the pond. Hippo would hide under the water's surface and listen whenever he could.
When he was seven, his father was dying. Dad called his three sons to him and declared: "I am leaving my pond to my oldest sons. You, Hippo, will have to find your own.
The next day Dad died, and his brothers made it clear that he didn't belong anymore. So Hippo wandered off wherever his eyes would lead him. Eventually he came to a bar owned by an alligator. Hippo was getting wasted a performer in a mask was singing to the patrons. Hippo broke out in pink sweat again.
Inner Voice: "HA! You like her! What about the lioness?"
Hippo: "She sounds just like her."
Inner Voice: "Sing with her, you can do it!"
Hippo: "No"
Inner Voice: "Trust me"
Hippo: "Okay... WAAAAAAAGARBL!"
After their song the masked creature came up to him.
Mask: "You have a cute voice."
Hippo: "Have you ever performed for the king?"
Mask: "Sometimes, but I don't like it. They make me... Um... Uh... I mean they make the princess court the commanders of the royal army. They make me... I mean HER sick! They make the princess sick and TIRED!
Hippo: "That's it - I'll fight against the other commanders, rise through the ranks, and the king will let me date his daughter!"
Mask: "PFFFFT!"
Hippo became a warrior. The adventure took him from the frozen wastelands of Antarctica, to the New World, and through his African homeland. He made friends and enemies of those he met on the battlefield. This experience changed Hippo, and he realized that the essence of life wasn't in victory - but it was in the struggle. Even if a dream is broken through circumstance, it still brings us closer to the source of dreams itself.
Hippo went beyond just playing, he volunteered his time to make the kingdom better, cleaner, and more fun for all of its citizens. One night he was unwinding at Alligator's bar, having a good time with his comrades. When he was hammered enough he sang:
"WAAAAAAAAGARBL WAAAAAAAAAGARBL"
His friends wondered: "How are you so confident, decisive, and controlled? Why don't you get butthurt if someone's e-peen is bigger?"
Hippo answered: "When I turn off my computer, no matter what dice I rolled, no matter what rank I am, I am Hippo. After all is said and done on the battlefield, I am Hippo.
Hippo's friends couldn't understand: "NO WAY! If someone attacks you it's impossible NOT to explain why his move was completely wrong! If we get bad dice we HAVE to nerdrage!
Hippo calmly replied: "I could leave everything I've accomplished right now and have no regrets."
Friends: "Wut?"
Hippo: "Watch me."
And he left
And for many nights afterwards if you listen very closely, you could have heard a lioness singing a duet alone by a wading pool.
Hippo was the youngest calf of three in his family. Tragically, when he was very young his mother ate a poisonous mushroom and died - leaving it to her friends to take care of Hippo and his two brothers.
Their wading pool was close to a pride of lions, and when he saw the king's daughter Hippo would always break out in pink sweat. She would sing when she came to drink from the pond. Hippo would hide under the water's surface and listen whenever he could.
When he was seven, his father was dying. Dad called his three sons to him and declared: "I am leaving my pond to my oldest sons. You, Hippo, will have to find your own.
The next day Dad died, and his brothers made it clear that he didn't belong anymore. So Hippo wandered off wherever his eyes would lead him. Eventually he came to a bar owned by an alligator. Hippo was getting wasted a performer in a mask was singing to the patrons. Hippo broke out in pink sweat again.
Inner Voice: "HA! You like her! What about the lioness?"
Hippo: "She sounds just like her."
Inner Voice: "Sing with her, you can do it!"
Hippo: "No"
Inner Voice: "Trust me"
Hippo: "Okay... WAAAAAAAGARBL!"
After their song the masked creature came up to him.
Mask: "You have a cute voice."
Hippo: "Have you ever performed for the king?"
Mask: "Sometimes, but I don't like it. They make me... Um... Uh... I mean they make the princess court the commanders of the royal army. They make me... I mean HER sick! They make the princess sick and TIRED!
Hippo: "That's it - I'll fight against the other commanders, rise through the ranks, and the king will let me date his daughter!"
Mask: "PFFFFT!"
Hippo became a warrior. The adventure took him from the frozen wastelands of Antarctica, to the New World, and through his African homeland. He made friends and enemies of those he met on the battlefield. This experience changed Hippo, and he realized that the essence of life wasn't in victory - but it was in the struggle. Even if a dream is broken through circumstance, it still brings us closer to the source of dreams itself.
Hippo went beyond just playing, he volunteered his time to make the kingdom better, cleaner, and more fun for all of its citizens. One night he was unwinding at Alligator's bar, having a good time with his comrades. When he was hammered enough he sang:
"WAAAAAAAAGARBL WAAAAAAAAAGARBL"
His friends wondered: "How are you so confident, decisive, and controlled? Why don't you get butthurt if someone's e-peen is bigger?"
Hippo answered: "When I turn off my computer, no matter what dice I rolled, no matter what rank I am, I am Hippo. After all is said and done on the battlefield, I am Hippo.
Hippo's friends couldn't understand: "NO WAY! If someone attacks you it's impossible NOT to explain why his move was completely wrong! If we get bad dice we HAVE to nerdrage!
Hippo calmly replied: "I could leave everything I've accomplished right now and have no regrets."
Friends: "Wut?"
Hippo: "Watch me."
And he left
And for many nights afterwards if you listen very closely, you could have heard a lioness singing a duet alone by a wading pool.
doomyoshis entry
Thehippo8 is not a real hippo. Nor is he a real person. He is a CIA team sent here to drive natty_dread mad. When they first arrived, they started filling in subliminal messages into the Cartography section saying "natty should leave, natty should be banned". Eventually, those messages were read by the Admins, the C+A team and most importantly: natty_dread himself.
Then it happened. In what seemed to the majority of the CC world as 2 harmless speeders, the CIA found a patsy - Gillipig. Using a top-secret code still unsolved by ciphers to this day, in Game 10637790 and Game 10637848, the CIA contractually hired Gillipig to carry out the deed. A Wikileaks report tells me that "gl" (part of the secret code) actually means: antagonize him until he ragequits and we will pay you.
After the mission was accomplished, thehippo8 stayed around for a bit longer to tie up some loose ends - all in the interest of US National Security, of course. pimpdave was grilled for hours until he finally revealed the Tea Party Death Squad's HQ. Viceroy was paid handsomely to continue the creationist debates so that the American people wouldn't notice the wool being pulled over their eyes. Yes, even poor Ballslap was slapped in the balls so that the Hasbro-Zionist-Big Oil lobby could stop the much awaited iPhone App.
Yes, we've all been had. The CIA even infiltrated the Mafia forum in the vain hopes that the big 5 families would reveal themselves. It is safe to say that we are all better off now that Project Hippo - Unit 8 has been swept under the rug shut down.
Then it happened. In what seemed to the majority of the CC world as 2 harmless speeders, the CIA found a patsy - Gillipig. Using a top-secret code still unsolved by ciphers to this day, in Game 10637790 and Game 10637848, the CIA contractually hired Gillipig to carry out the deed. A Wikileaks report tells me that "gl" (part of the secret code) actually means: antagonize him until he ragequits and we will pay you.
After the mission was accomplished, thehippo8 stayed around for a bit longer to tie up some loose ends - all in the interest of US National Security, of course. pimpdave was grilled for hours until he finally revealed the Tea Party Death Squad's HQ. Viceroy was paid handsomely to continue the creationist debates so that the American people wouldn't notice the wool being pulled over their eyes. Yes, even poor Ballslap was slapped in the balls so that the Hasbro-Zionist-Big Oil lobby could stop the much awaited iPhone App.
Yes, we've all been had. The CIA even infiltrated the Mafia forum in the vain hopes that the big 5 families would reveal themselves. It is safe to say that we are all better off now that Project Hippo - Unit 8 has been swept under the rug shut down.
I just have to mention the 4th place entry, by DaveH. It didn't win any prizes, but it's very cute, and fits in perfectly with some of our other content (hint: read this issue's Join This Or Not):
davehs entry
Dukasaur transmutated him to get his job!
Another contest is coming in next week!
If you would like to apply to join the news team, please visit the thread below for more details!
Click here for Recruitment Details...
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. Somehow I've always found other ways to use up my time since I became a mod.
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....but who knows. lol
Must be an oversight. 
