Starting today I am launching a massively multiplayer online petition for the reform of Conquer Club.
Doesn’t apply to you, you think? Then ask yourself this. Have you ever attacked 4 vrs 1 and lost? You have? Well that is against the odds. BUT YOU DON’T SURPRISE ME. The amazing thing is, I guarantee, every player reading this will have been in the SAME SITUATION. How could that “chance” happen unless it was not actually coincidence, not “chance” at all? How could this possibly happen unless the supposed randomness of CC covers up a massive secret conspiracy?
I have made a careful, detailed statistical study of the odds in Conquer Club and the bizarre luck-defying outcomes that result. I have found solid statistical proof that the so-called randomness of Conquer Club covers up a massive conspiracy to discriminate against the more highly skilled players (such as myself – and probably you too if you are reading this):
1. The drop. In more games than I can count I or an opponent have got a bonus to start. BUT in all the games I have played, and I have played a lot, I have NEVER ONCE got Asia to start. I have never got more than a measly 2 or 3 bonus on the drop. Altogether there are 6 bonuses on the board so I should get Asia exactly one time in every six that I start with a bonus. But I don’t! The result is that I have to take turns and turns trying to take Asia – and in the meantime my opponents sneak attack their way into smaller bonuses and steal the game.
2. Cards. I am the victim of another “odd” anomaly here. In a way I am lucky – I get fantastic luck with my first two cards. Every game I can remember after I have pulled just two cards I am 2/3 of the way to a set. I am already planning the run I will make next turn and how I will sweep the board and I deploy accordingly. But then… when I have turned over the third card, exactly two out of three times I have not got a set! How can I so consistently go from being 100% of the way to getting a set to 33% of having one??? Coincidence?! I think not.
3. Lower ranked players. I have often been beaten by worse players than myself. How do I know they are worse than me? They are lower-ranked, so they cannot be as good as me. So the only way they can beat me is by chance. Which would be OK if it happened once or twice. But it doesn’t. It happens a lot. So it cannot be “chance” – what CC pretends are the random elements of the drop or the dice or blah blah MUST be a part of a conspiracy against stronger players (such as myself).
4. Higher ranked players. Sometimes I am beaten by players ranked higher than myself. Fair enough, you might say. They are higher ranked than you so they are better players. But wait. I have analysed these games carefully. And what I found is that IN EVERY SINGLE ONE MY STRATEGY WAS THE BEST ON THE BOARD! So once again, only “luck” beat me and we already know that “luck” on this scale is not “luck” at all. It is a conspiracy.
5. Losing streak. Sometimes I lose game after game on the trot. Unlikely you think? Well it happens! And more than that. When I hit a streak like this I don’t wimp out I face it straight on. I set up 6 or 7 speed games at once and play them all. And I keep on playing. I give up screen breaks, I get in the zone, I focus. If I have to I will stay at the comp all night. I know what you are thinking but it is OK – I drink and smoke A LOT to stay alert. This is a 100% foolproof strategy to break a losing streak. But here is the rub: every time I do this my losing streak just gets worse. I lose more and more! Astonishing but true. The “luck” turns more and more against me. I could not figure out how this happened at first. But then I realised, if I give up on CC and come back later, my losing streak is ended. Amazing eh? There is only one way to explain it. My losing streak of course had been fixed by whichever one of lackattack’s cronies was on duty fixing the dice at CC Towers. My losing streak was only broken when a new crony came on shift, and they forgot to tell him (or her, ladies, I am not prejudiced) that they were fixing my odds!
But it is OK, lackattack, you don’t have to worry. All that is needed are a few simple rule changes, to make CC fairer:
1. Supplementary dice. Sometimes the game-winning move depends on winning a critical throw. Clearly if you are attacking 2-4 you only get 1 dice against 3, which actually prejudices the result against the better player, who has got themselves into a good strategic position, and is going to be “beaten” by the foolish letter of the rule which limits their attack. So let the attacker roll some extra dice. 6 or 7 on any throw should be enough.
2. Cross-map reinforcement. Consider my no spoils game - I am in a tight corner and I just need a couple more to hold a bonus. While over on the escalating I am pulling 65 armies which are way more than I need. Simple. Let players shift armies from the escalating game to the no spoils.
3. Supplementary cards. So I’ve made a brilliant run, taken out 20 territories and another player. I get his (or her – ladies I am still not prejudiced!) cards – but find I’ve only got 4 cards altogether. I can’t cash till next go – and the weasly player who was too feeble-minded to attack before simply comes up behind and takes me out before I get to play again! Once again the better player (me) is beaten unfairly. SO simple to fix this: if you do a good run you get the option (you don’t have to take it!) of pulling extra cards. Not to be greedy about it. One extra card for each 10 territories would be enough. So I get 6 cards, cash one set, maybe two and win the game. Astonishing that lackattack has not thought of this one already.
4. Fair drops. How many times have you begun a game and not had a chance even before you played? Just because the crony on fixing-duty at CC Towers has stacked the board against you. Solution: Introduce a pre-play turn where the better player gets to inspect the board, and take out any unfairness’s in the drop by shifting the other players’ armies from the “lucky” territories to fairer ones.
5. Ratings. It is very community-minded of CC to have a system like this, but clearly they have made a mistake in allowing weak-minded mistaken opinionated (and less skilful!) players to stop me getting a 100% popularity rating. All lack needs to do is change the response button. If someone gives me a negative, then I hit the response button. Ping - the mistaken negative changes instantly into a double positive for me and a double negative for the sadly deluded player who was not intuitive enough to appreciate my brilliant wit, charm and skill.
6. Abuse. The only trouble I see with these rule improvements is that they might be abused by unfortunate individuals who don’t want to play fairly. So we can only give these options to the elite group of players selected by myself who I know will always use their powers wisely for the benefit of all.
7. Exception. We can’t give the Conqueror any of these powers. I think you will agree I have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that CC has been statistically rigged against the best players (ie me). Therefore, it is only by “luck” that another player has got to be Conqueror instead of me. And we already know that “luck” like that is not “luck” at all! So it would be unfair on the Conqueror to give him (or her – remember, ladies? ) any privileges until all the unfairness’s have been wrinkled out of the system and I have been established at the top of the scoreboard.
Like I say, this is not just a personal rant. This is a petition! Your support is welcomed, along with any more STATISTICALLY PROVEN examples of Conquer Club unfairness, or SENSIBLE modest rule improvements like mine.
