Welcome Comrades to the 109th edition of the Dispatch
This is anamainiacks here, bringing you the last issue of the CC Dispatch for 2013! Sorry about the delay once again - it seems that some of the Newsletter Executives were busy with chestnuts roasting on an open fire and Jack Frost nipping at their nose... Now, rather than bore you with any sort of rambling on my part and take more time away from the happy holidays you should be enjoying with your families, I shall get to the point and jump straight into it.
Here's what we have on tap for you:
The first regular section is Mess Hall and Interrogation Room, which includes continued coverage of the Mafia scene, and an interview with [player]DoomYoshi[/player].
The Platoon Report covers all aspects of the Clan scene, including a CC4 update and the latest F400 rankings.
War Games has the scoop on the tournament world, including an interview with TO [player]Nath77440[/player], and the return of [player]DaveH[/player]'s Tournament Tips.
Cartographic Surveillance is your source for news from the map-making world, including updates on Maps in Development and a spotlight on one of the maps.
Finally, our Next Mission Brief includes such things as the closing credits and information on how to subscribe.
[player]anamainiacks[/player] - Tournament Executive, Guest Publisher for Issue 109
And finally some late-breaking news: Late-breaking News and Announcements
[spoiler=Interrogation of DoomYoshi]Q. Why the Doom? What has poor Yoshi done to be doomed? Or is he bringing the doom? Please clarify, mentioning "ponies" three times in your explanation.
The story starts when I was reading Nintendo power letters to the editor (they are like Penthouse letters to the editor but better). An email came in from WindYoshi and it was instantly the coolest thing I had ever seen. I couldn't wait to get email. Not because I ever wanted to talk to anyone, just because I couldn't wait to become known to the world as a Yoshi. I had several BBS names before that, but I don't remember what any of them were. I read that magazine at the exact nexus in my life between BBS and internet era. I had a shiny new version of Netscape (even if there was no Firefox or Chrome, I would still use a Win98 computer with Netscape to avoid IE), and made an email address. AskJeeves was still my default search engine, although I used metacrawler once in a while. I went through a bunch of emails since I had nobody to talk to (I didn't know anyone's email address). The early ones were DeathYoshi, MechaYoshi, yoshiofdoom and Undeadyoshi in no particular order.
When I became a street urchin, I eschewed technology and lived off the grid for several years. I came back to the internet, revived my yoshiofdoom name on newgrounds and doomyoshi on abandonia. I prefer DoomYoshi for its ambiguity. People on AB thought it referred to the game Doom, while those on newgrounds got more of a sense of the meaning. It can be viewed as a noun, an adjective, an order, or many other things.
The black yoshi avatar represents my love of heavy metal (he is also the strongest in the Yoshi Story, although white yoshi is tough too). I removed the pupils to unsettle people.
Ponies, ponies, ponies.
Q. What's it like being in OSA, for you personally? How come you went on a massive recruiting spree and have now cut that number in half again?
I joined OSA right as we went from being a nobody clan to being a Perennial top 10. Basically, it is an embodiment of me as a user. We are less of a community-based clan, and more about winning actual games. We are like the Free-Market alternative to TOFU's centralized system. It's very organic. You get out of it what you put into it.
Q. How come you're no longer a Suggs Mod?
This was answered in the last newsletter, homeslice.
Q. Have you got any suggestions for the Suggestions Team that could be suggested in the Suggestions Forum so that the suggestion can be taken into consideration? Just a suggestion.
Assume every suggestion sucks and is the worst thing ever and will cause babies to explode. Then, prove it with a velvet glove. Finally, hope it goes away. If you can't do any of these 3 things successfully, hit the magical Submit Button.
Q. Judging from your posting style, you're a filthy man with repulsive habits. Explain yourself!
I like to smell myself, what can I say? I keep my areas of work rather immaculate though. My ideal home design is a house with bare rooms, fluourescent lighting and a distant buzzing sound that makes it feel like doom is impending. Organisms ruin this perfection to me. Just imagine what you think an autist's paradise would be... that's what i like with more atmosphere.
Q. How do you feel 20 minutes after waking up?
Today when i woke up I read for about 2 hours so about 20 mins afterwards, I was probably stumbling around for my graphing calculator so I could test the ideas of fourier transforms of wave functions of music, to see if I could have a Eureka moment about classifying timbre in a way that is not a computing nightmare. I failed, and eventually went on to think that all mathematicians who thought about music were more or less misguided and that is was all lies from Pythagoras to Euclid and from Kepler to Galileo.
So i felt kind of empty, and alone, as the shoulders of giants on which I would have stood had crumbled beneath me. It was cold, it was snowy. Then I realized it was 3 O'Clock and I should probably start my day.
Q. What is your reason for continuing your existence? Why bother?
It's hilarious that I came to this question after answering the last. Almost anyone who has met me predicted I would change the world. I just don't want to let all those people down.
Q. Got any dirty secrets, besides your underwear?
i masturbate to the bible... not really a secret though, just go stay in a hotel after me.
Q. Why, in your opinion is OSA far and away the best clan on CC?
I never feel ashamed to associate with any of its members. Whenever an OSA member does something for CC, I am reminded of how proud we can be, but also humble.
Q. What is one thing you do once every day? Explain.
randomize something. I don't always shower or brush my teeth or use the bathroom or eat. I always randomize at least one thing a day though.
Q. What is one thing you do twice every day? Explain.
randomize something. I don't always shower or brush my teeth or use the bathroom or eat. I always randomize at least one thing a day though, twice.
Q. If you were brown-bagging lunch, what would you pack? Explain.
A shotgun, rifle, loads of ammo, fishing pole and some spare hooks. Agriculture is sin. At one point in Canada's history, most farmers were focused on subsistence for their families. Then the Canadian government introduced a land tax based on the value of the farm. which meant that without selling the products of your farm (buying into their bullshit currency) you couldn't live anymore. Almost all farmers in Canada switched to cash crops. Coincidentally, this was the start of the gilded age. Farmers feed Cities, i would rather they didn't.
Q. What's the best grade you ever received? Explain.
I don't remember, I know I have got perfect as well as bonus marks in several data quizzes (grade 12 stats course) but i can't remember the exact percentage.
Q. What's the worst grade you ever received? Explain.
i have got zero on assignments, and in entire classes. One time I got 0 in grade 9 geography, but i scored "excellent" in every category, since that was just the default score.
Q. Which would you rather receive: the Order of Canada, a Juno Award, or 2nd Place in the Mississauga Fishing Club Spring Derby? Explain.
Order of Canada is a fully achievable goal for me. Since i am a freemason, and the order of canada is the only civilian medal allowed to be worn while in lodge other than masonic medals, I have wanted one since i became a mason and learned of this rule.
Q. Have you ever not trolled?
Have you ever noticed that people from the southern hemisphere can't swim?
Q. Which came first - Chicken or Egg?
The Egg and I.
Q. Is there a God?
i have 3 answers for this: 1) yes. 2)yes, due to the fact that the words 'a god' exist. 3) yes, due to definition. Even if one accepts the big bang cosmology, God has long been defined as the Prime Mover, so the big bang would be God.
Q. Will you get laid tonight?
not tonight, but we did shower together. My girlfriend came over, we watched a couple hockey games and she went to bed.
Q. Is there life on other planets?
Q. Which are better, dogs or cats?
Properly trained, i prefer dogs.
Q. When is the World coming to an end?
This is an ancient question, one of being and becoming. In short, since the world exists as it is now for only a fraction of a second, it can be said to always be coming to an end, and a new beginning. Although, at a finite scale.
Q. Why do planes have flotation devices under passenger seats instead of parachutes?
People can easily weaponize parachutes.
Q. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
It is. The letter f has a ph sound, not vice versa.
Q. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
nope
Q. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Q. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
i will assume you mean a speed that is infitessimally smaller than the speed of light. That's the amazing thing about the speed of light, no matter how fast you are going, you still perceive it at the same speed. So it will still light the area in front of you.
Q. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Deep down, everyone is a troll.
Q. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
see answer to above
Q. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
They can.
Q. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Sensory overload, you don't want to lose focus.
Q. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Heroin. In a spoon.
Q. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
I blame the French,
Q. Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
It isn't. A decade is much longer.
Q. What is another word for "thesaurus"?
sniogfluantice
Q. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
the captain is tugging himself.
Q. What does wearing a saddle really feel like?
You get used to it after a while, sort of like a bolo tie.
Q. Does the buckle chaff?
all the time, I use zinc oxide.
Q. How long is your tongue?
longer than a century.
Q. Why were you asked to be interviewed again?
This is my first. I volunteered.
Q. From your experience why is a mind is a terrible thing to waste?
I don't think it is. If people want to waste, it doesn't bother me, unless it reduces the amount of canadian wilderness.
Q. Do you think you could cut the mustard as a WalMart greeter?
Not a chance. I would tell everyone that they are fat fucks who make me vomit and they should go for a jog before they come back to spend the rest of their welfare cheques.
Q. Who is your favorite One Direction member and why? (So as not to confuse you, choose a singer not their privates)
Patsy cline.
Q. Elbow or shoulder deep?
ew. this question is disgusting. i hope you are ashamed.
Q. What's your favorite cheese?
really dry Swiss cheese to eat. Buffalo mozzarrella for the luxury. (Hey ladies, look at all my really expensive cheeses) There was a young lady named Dot Who lived off of pig-shit and snot When she couldn't find these She would scrape the green Cheese That she found on the edge of her twat
Q. Would you stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers?
I deal with negatives fairly well. so no.
Q. What is the number one problem in the world?
Just like mafia, the world is a game where the only parameters are information and disinformation. humans introduce misinformation. All problems boil down to lack of information.
Black or white. I like both equally, but black looks cooler.
Q. Can you " Handle the Truth"?
i'm not sure. Am I in possession of it already?
Q. Why are you so bad at trolling?
I never or rarely choose to troll.
Q. Do you eat mushrooms?
Yes.
Q. Do you trip on mushrooms?
Not anymore.
Q. Is your motto still " We might not be good but we sure are slow"?
Umm... no, nor was it ever. My mottos are 'If something doesn't fit , it means you aren't using a big enough hammer' and 'boredom is a thing stupid people do.' Both have been passed down through generations of my family.
Q. If love is blind, then why do you wear lingerie?
i like it?
Q. Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
Yes
Q. Why aren't moustaches called "mouthbrows"?
I balm the french.
Q. Do modern day witches run spell check before they cast their spells?
No, they get spells from little cookbooks sold at calendar stores.
Q. Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?
Vegetarians can eat whatever they want. Vegetarianism is rarely forced, at least not in the sense you are likely thinking of.
Q. If olive oil comes from smashed olives, how do they make baby oil?
It comes from petroleum, which is smashed baby dinosaurs.
Q. If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?
Things that fit perfectly are supposed to fall off.
Q. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A test is a type of pot into which you melt metals to determine their qualities.
Q. Is it true cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
doubtful
Q. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Panties refers to more than one. Panty is singular (as in panty raid). Americans are just classless individuals who like to butcher the Queen's tongue and relish in improper usage of language.
Q. What active suggestion would you most like to see implemented?
FYI: You are not allowed to comment on the circumstances of me (Metsfanmax) firing you from the Suggestions team.
discounting the ones that me and Duke have put forth, i would say that pick a color is the best thing for this site. second to that is implement site addons. To wit, a quote about Dwarf Fortress: "When 80% of your players use 3 external programs to play your game, it may be time to rethink your ui"
Q. What are the circumstances of Metsfanmax firing you from the Suggestions team?
Let's just say it involved a mariachi band, several liters of gasoline, a dark alley behind the Society of St. Pius X church, a man with the head of a carp and some mescaline.
Q. How annoying is Baby Mario?
Q. Are you happy in OSA?
Yes, although i'm taking a break from active duty.
Q. What the Hell is going on here?
You are not being subliminally dominated.
Q. Why is Hardattack poaching players? Again!
I made a deal with him whereby he stopped poaching my eggs and I stopped referring to Moravia as the ugly Czech.
Q. Why doesn't HardAttack change his name to SoftDefence, which would be much more appropriate?
He used to be SoftDefense, but then he convinced KA that his real name is Samantha Softdefense.
Q. What's your favorite dinosaur?
Plessie
Q. What is the most beautiful work of art in the world?
Athabascan Tar Sands
Q. What is the oddest civilization, past or present?
Presently Latin America takes the cake. You aren't allowed to be gay or have sex out of wedlock, but 20 of the world's 25 deadliest cities are in these areas. It's clear that the American censorship rules came from Latin America.
Everyone is named Jesus or Maria, but there are entire regions totally controlled by gang violence.
Q. What is your favourite colour?
That's the kind of thing I randomize to suit my needs. 70476e is hitting me right now.
Q. Who's your favourite eclectic musician?
Miley Cyrus. I like how in one year she goes from doing a cover of Jolene in her backyard to being the best thing that happened to the chicago bulls all year in the video for '23'.
Q. What's your favourite emoticon?
I like how this one commands the whole post. just insert it around the forum and see how it melds.
Welcome to the Platoon Report, your headquarters for Clan news on Conquer Club!
This edition, we've got a double dose of [player]IcePack[/player] for ya... so you can chill both your knees at the same time if you wish... how convenient, right!? First, check out his update on Conquer Cup 4, where 2 wars are well underway and two more are in their infancy. Then, enjoy the most recent set of F400 rankings if you haven't already.. see where AOK makes their first appearance in the rankings!
Last but not least - there's a lot more we could cover in the Platoon Report, but we need contributors... if you're interested in helping report on clan events and wars, or have other ideas for articles related to the clan world, contact me, [player]Swifte[/player], and we'll see what we can come up with. Don't forget, our contributors can earn Contribution Medals!
Thanks for staying tuned to the Platoon Report, see you on the battlefield!
Hello friends, and welcome to your favourite part of the Newsletter, "War Games", where you can find information about CC Tournaments, and other stuff in the Tournament scene!
Our writers continue to deliver their news with [player]mcshanester29[/player]'s latest MTTO interview with [player]Nath77440[/player], [player]DaveH[/player]'s update of TPA happenings in TPA Wrap, and my selection of tournaments awaiting signups in Join This? Or Not!
While [player]DaveH[/player]'s Tournament Tips will no longer be a regular item in the CC Dispatch, he'll continue to serve them up as feature articles from time to time, beginning with his 51st edition of the Tournament Tips in this issue for you to enjoy!
Tournament Tipsby DaveH [spoiler=Finding Missing Players]This article, which is now one of my occasional ones rather than as a regular series, shows how Excel can be used to find out which players are missing from your tournament's invites list.
As some of you may know, I am presently doing a tournament of 111 rounds for 150 players, which means setting up 225 games every few days. This, I can easily automate using invites sent out by pm, but the lengthy process of following up missing invites by sending out either reminders or direct invites can be very frustrating.
However, there is a way in which this, too can be automated. The first step is to find the games which still have "invite" status. [bigimg]http://i1330.photobucket.com/albums/w565/DaveHomer/MissingPlayers3_zps012370cf.jpg[/bigimg]This shows the first two games of the 59 that are missing players. Now copy the whole of the 59 games and paste text into column 2 of a blank spreadsheet of your tournament's Excel spreadsheet. [bigimg]http://i1330.photobucket.com/albums/w565/DaveHomer/MissingPlayers2_zpsa2c81f2e.jpg[/bigimg]The first game missing a player is at row 2 and the 59'th is at row 266. Note that the game number is the first 8 letters of the second row of the game information and the player's name that has joined the game is in the last column of the pasted information, together with their rating.
On my tournament I have a sheet with all the invite information - that has been explained in previous articles. [bigimg]http://i1330.photobucket.com/albums/w565/DaveHomer/MissingPlayers1_zps777b628f.jpg[/bigimg]This shows the first game of Round 13 and the last game of Round 15 (my missing players are all from rounds 13, 14 and 15) and includes the game number and the players that should both have joined their games.
Obviously, if I scan down the list of games that are missing players and find that game number on my spreadsheet, I can also find the names of both players. Having obtained both names, I can see which one (or both) are missing and create a list of names of players that I need to remind to join their games.
Sub CheckMissing() ' ' 'get the start and finish rows
'On the sheet with the full games information I need to specify the first game in round 13 and the last game in round 15 Sheets("Games").Activate iRowGStart = InputBox("Enter the first row number of the lowest round") iRowGFinish = InputBox("Enter the last row number of the highest round")
'I now need to specify the first and last record of the "found" set of games with missing players Sheets("Missing Invites").Activate iRowMStart = InputBox("Enter the first row number of the lowest missing game") iRowMFinish = InputBox("Enter the first row number of the highest missing game")
'Now I can scan down the missing players records For i = iRowMStart To iRowMFinish Step 4 'stepping 4 is because each record is on 4 lines A = Abs(Left(Cells(i + 1, 2).Value, 8)) ' this extracts the game number from the rest of the text
'Back to the games sheet to scan down to find the same game number Sheets("Games").Activate For j = iRowGStart To iRowGFinish B = Cells(j, 13).Value
If A = B And A <> "" Then 'The game numbers match so I can get the names of the two players C = Cells(j, 6).Value D = Cells(j, 9).Value
'Back to the missing invites sheet and copy down the two names Sheets("Missing Invites").Activate Cells(i + 1, 9).Value = C Cells(i + 2, 9).Value = D
'Extract the name of the first player to join (if one did!) E = Left(Cells(i + 1, 7).Value, Len(Cells(i + 1, 7).Value) - 4)
'If this name matched the first name on the list then the second name is the missing player's name If E = C Then Cells(i + 1, 10).Value = D 'If this name matched the second name on the list then the first name is the missing player's name ElseIf E = D Then Cells(i + 2, 10).Value = C 'If neither name matched then both player's names are missing Else Cells(i + 1, 10).Value = D Cells(i + 2, 10).Value = C End If
End If Next j Next i
'I now have a set of players names (most of whom will have missed all three games) 'There may be a player's name down 3 times but this does not matter when pasting into a pm 'sort them into alphabetical order, and I can paste into a pm and now send a reminder Range(Cells(iRowMStart + 1, 10), Cells(iRowMFinish + 2, 10)).Select Selection.Sort Key1:=(Cells(3, 10)), Order1:=xlAscending, Header:=xlGuess, _ OrderCustom:=1, MatchCase:=False, Orientation:=xlTopToBottom, _ DataOption1:=xlSortNormal
End Sub
This produces a list of names of players who have not taken up their invites, so I can copy the list and copy into a pm reminding them to get take up their auto-invites.
Of course a player not responding to a pm may also not respond to this reminder, but at least I have a record of players that do not respond promptly![/spoiler] TPA Wrapby DaveH
Welcome fellow map enthusiasts! This issues continues to highlight Maps in Development, and Koontz1973 shares details on isaiah40's Defend America.
Also, since last issue District of Alaska has gone beta, and if you haven't played it yet, it's deceptively hard and a lot of fun. And I'm not just saying that because I made the map. But really, please play all of the maps in Beta, and be sure to post your thoughts for the map makers.
Stay Tuned for the next issue of the ConquerClub Dispatch for an interrogation of [player]jricart[/player]. Post any questions you may have for them here --> Interrogation with rdsrds2120
Submitting Your Own Articles
If you have a story you think the ConquerClub Community would find interesting, you can submit your articles to [player]Dukasaur[/player] and you may just see your article published in the Newsletter!
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Now, rather than bore you with any sort of rambling on my part and take more time away from the happy holidays you should be enjoying with your families, I shall get to the point and jump straight into it. 
[/spoiler]
But really, please play all of the maps in Beta, and be sure to post your thoughts for the map makers.
