Conquer Club

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

Sometimes some people deserve a good high five...

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A man walks into a bar and says

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Why did the jews walk the desert for 40 years....one of them dropped a coin.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

- A preacher walks into a crowded bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, raise your hand", Everyone raises their hand except this one drunk sitting in the corner, The preacher looks at the man and says, " My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?", The man looks at the preacher with relief and says, " Yah sure, when I die, I thought you were taking a load up now"

When I lost my riffle in the army, they charged me $85,00. That's why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

E-flat walks into a bar, The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve minors......

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Mom: "How was school today?"
Son: "It was great! Today, we made explosives!"
Mom: "Ohh, that sounds like fun! What will you be doing tomorrow at school?"
Son: "What school?"

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

A man caught masterbaiting in his truck was charged with Car-Jacking

There's this mod out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another mod on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' he shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second mod looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass!

I think I should change dentists.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

Little Johnny : 'Mom, can I get a dog for Christmas, please?'
Mom : 'No, you'll get a turkey, like every year.'

- How do you make a tissue dance?

- Put a lil boogie in it ")

Dentist: You need a crown.
Patient: Finally, someone who understands me!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

What 4 cops are doing in broken cops car?

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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

- When I die I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather, not yelling and screaming like the passenger in his car.