Conquer Club

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana, who?
knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana, who? (a little exasperated)
knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana
Banana, who? (even more exasperated)
knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange
Orange, who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Banana again?

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, 'To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help.'

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Two little mice fell into two separate buckets of milk. The first one sat still hoping to not make waves and hoped someone would help him. The second one kept paddling around frantically, never stopping. The first one eventually tired and drowned. The second one whipped up the milk, it eventually turned to butter, he ate it all and died of a heart attack. the moral to the story is: don't leave buckets of milk laying around, you stupid ranch hands -- the damn mice will fall into them.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

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What's the difference between a car battery and a woman?


Everyone knows a battery has a positive side.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Opportunity!

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Fast way to screw up someone's Knock Knock joke...?
"It's open."

When my Grandpa was 65, he started running a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no clue where he is.

-Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

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Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.

How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg?

An arm and a leg!

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

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Why is women’s soccer so rare?
-
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

Takman2k: Man! All this fishing today is making me think of needing to go pee.
Person: Oh really? You come on here daily and fish for hours online, starring at the water in the lakes, what makes this day any different?
Takman2k: The other days i wasnt thinking of water, i was thinking of pan frying some of these virtual fish im catching.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Razorvich told me he almost had a threesome last night... He only needed 2 more people

Check your Dirty IQ...

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow... me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course

! Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

An Indian Chief went to a Psychiatrist and said "I am a Wig Wam, I am a Tee Pee"

The Psychiatrist replied "Relax, You are too Tents"