Conquer Club

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

A family is doing a safari in Kenya.
Suddenly the last son, a little bit stutterer, began stammering : HIP HIP HIP ..
and all the family : Hourray!

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A Cigarette Smoking Questionare:

1. Have you ever lit a cigarette at the wrong end?
2. Have you ever had one going in the tray and lit another?
3. Have you ever had one going in both hands?
4. Have you ever worn a patch while smoking?
5. Have you ever worn a patch while chain-smoking?

Answer these 5 questions to determine your Smoking IQ.

Mickey and Minnie are standing before the judge in the divorce court.
Judge says 'Sorry Mickey I can't give you a divorce just because she has bad teeth'
Mickey says 'I didn't say she had bad teeth, I said she is fcuking Goofy'

A man waits in the waiting room, his wife in childbirth.
Suddenly the doctor appears ..

- Congratulations, you've had Triplets!
- Ha ha, I have a cannon ....!
- Oh man, you should clean it a little, they have gone all blacks.

They say that laughter is the best medicine. Given all the jokes in this thread, might one say we are applying it topically?

A young cat found 3 older cats at night.

-Where are you going?
- To f*ck

- I want to go, I want to go...
- No, you're too young

- I wan to go, please, I want to go...
- OK, come on

When they are near a farm, a big dog appears and chasing them. They start running and circling around the house, the dog behind...
They carry 20 laps around the house and the dog on their heels...
Suddenly, the young cat says:
I f*ck one more lap and I'm going home

A woman has just given birth. It has been a difficult birth and still has not seen his son.
The doctor enters the room.
- Doctor, I want to see my son
- Ma'am, is that there has been a problem. His son ... has no arms.
- OMG, doctor, I want to see my son!
- Calm down lady, there is a problem. Your son ... has no legs.
- OMG, doctor, I want to see my son!
- Ma'am, sorry to tell you that your child has no body
- Oh, doctor, I want to see my son, please!
- Lady, your child has no head
- No matter, doctor, I want to see my son !!!
- Okay lady, here is your son ...
The doctor gives her a big ear
- MY SON!!!
- Do not yell him, he is deaf.

Why the majority of the politicians have only a string inside the head?

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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

- I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

- I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

- That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything, and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

new life Insurance salesman comes back to the office after training with 3 checks for new policies he sold. His manager says "great job, but this one is for over $50K and you forgot to get the urine specimen from them." The next day the new guy returns with 3 bottles of specimen, a large check and a 55 gallon drum. The manager says, thx for the specimens from yesterday, but wtF is with the 55 gallon drum? Salesman says "I just sold a large group policy"

Man: "I haven't talked to my wife in 6 months!"

Friend: "Why is that?"

Man: "She hates to be interrupted."

And the shoe said to the hat "you go on ahead, I'll follow on foot"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

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One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surprise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat.

The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

guido74 wrote:A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

They say the best robot kickboxer in the world is so poor at chess, anyone can beat it in one move!

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A man meets an old friend down the street.
Hey , what's up?
Hello, how are your life?
Well, the other day I won a pig in the tombola
Oh, yeah? And where do you keep it?
I have it there, under the bed
Ohhg, what stink!! not?
Let her sweat!

Mom, James has given me 5 dollars
Why?
Because I climbed a tree
Idiot, he will have seen you panties!
Oh it's true

The next day..

Mom, James has given me 5 dollars
Why?
Because I climbed a tree
Idiot, he will have seen you panties!
No, because I took them away!!