BEST LAME JOKES!!!-Post it here!!!

[Iliad]

How do you get a baby to stop running around in a circle?








Tie his other leg to the pole

What's worse than a dead baby?

A bucket full of dead babies. What's worse than that?


The one on bottom is alive. What's worse than that?


It's eating it's way to freedom.



What happens when you put a baby in a blender? I don't know but it gives me an erection!

Jokes, jokes. Those are the two sickest jokes I know.

[Hitman079]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a Thai bar.

The barman found them to be so culturally similar as to be indistinguishable.

it could be switched around with a group of three asians.

[MeDeFe]

It could, but then it wouldn't be quite as funny, except to Asians.

[Stopper]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a Thai bar.

The barman found them to be so culturally similar as to be indistinguishable.

it could be switched around with a group of three asians.

To expand on what MeDeFe said, the joke's only funny for people who are aware of "Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman" jokes. There must be jokes in other parts of the world like this, though, so those could be adapted, but I'm not an expert on world jokery.

I tried it with "Priest, minister, rabbi", though, but it didn't really make any sense.

[Stopper]

OK, here's a genuinely lame joke:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."

"I'm game for this," says the Scotsman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"

[daddy1gringo]

A frog walks up to the bank teller, notices her nameplate says "Patricia Wack" and says, "Good morning Ms. Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to take out a loan for $30,000 to buy a boat" "That's a lot of money" replies the teller. "Don't worry," replies the frog, "I know the bank manager." "Do you have any colatteral?" asks Patricia. "Yes," answers Kermit,"I have this." The frog takes out of his pocket something wrapped in tissue paper, and opens it. Inside the tissue is a small ceramic pink elephant. "I see," says the teller dubiously, "just a moment."

She takes the elephant to the back office, finds the bank manager, and says, "Sir, there's a frog out here who says his name is Kermit Jagger, says he knows you, wants a loan for $30,000 and wants to use this as colatteral. Sir, what is this?" The manager answers. "It's a knick knack Patty Wack give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

If that's not lame I don't know what is.

[Aegnor]

A frog walks up to the bank teller, notices her nameplate says "Patricia Wack" and says, "Good morning Ms. Wack, my name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to take out a loan for $30,000 to buy a boat" "That's a lot of money" replies the teller. "Don't worry," replies the frog, "I know the bank manager." "Do you have any colatteral?" asks Patricia. "Yes," answers Kermit,"I have this." The frog takes out of his pocket something wrapped in tissue paper, and opens it. Inside the tissue is a small ceramic pink elephant. "I see," says the teller dubiously, "just a moment."

She takes the elephant to the back office, finds the bank manager, and says, "Sir, there's a frog out here who says his name is Kermit Jagger, says he knows you, wants a loan for $30,000 and wants to use this as colatteral. Sir, what is this?" The manager answers. "It's a knick knack Patty Wack give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

If that's not lame I don't know what is.

Ok I have heard this one before. I never got it really. Can someone please explain all this nick nack patty whack thing?

[daddy1gringo]

Ok I have heard this one before. I never got it really. Can someone please explain all this nick nack patty whack thing?

OLD, OLD children's nonsense song (to the tune stolen by Barney for "I love you, you love me...):

"This old man, he played one, he played nick nack just for fun, with a nick nack paddywack give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home. This old man, he played two, he played nick nack on my shoe, with a nick nack paddywack..." and so on, finding things to ryme with each number as you count up.

Of course when you explain a joke it's never funny. That's assuming this lame one ever was funny.

[jay_a2j]

Where do cows go on Saturday night?





A: The moooooovies.

[Simonov]

neighbour asked farmer John "when was the last time you had a good laugh?"
John:"when my barn was burning down"
neighbour asked confused :"why?"
John:"because all the rats run off into your's"

[Syzygy]

What do you call a kid playing in the leaves?

Rustle.

What time do you go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe lies down, and the man walks away. So, the bartender yells at the man, "Hey you! You can't leave that lyin' in here", and the man replies "That's no lion! It's a giraffe!"

Do you know why there is so many people living in Ireland? It’s because the population in the capital is always Dublin.

[MeDeFe]

Syzygy, I you just won the prize for having posted the lamest jokes ever on these forums.

[Huckleberryhound]

This Rabbit goes to the Job centre, looking for a job.

The guys at the job centre says

" We have one job that might be right for you. A Magician needs a rabbit to jump out of his hat, it's 3 hours a night thursday-sunday, and possibly some overtime on Sunday afternoons when he sometimes gets childrens parties....what do you think ?"

The Rabbit says "But i'm an electrician !! "

[dustn64]

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse crying on one of the bar stools. The man asks the bartender what he is crying about and the bartender says "Im not sure but I will give you free drinks for life if you can get him to stop" The man walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse quits crying and starts laughing uncontrollably. The man gets a drink and leaves. A week later the man walks back into the bar to see the horse is still laughing. The bartender notices the man and yells "His laughing is worse than the crying, I will give you 100 buck to make him stop" Then the man goes over to the horse take him outside and returns about a minute later. The horse returned crying. The bartender asks the man what he keeps doing and the man replies " The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, The second time I proved it"

[AAAVforce]

What do you call a dead baby in a blender?

Lunch

[willis]

Another good one.

Mark Brunell is a QB

[Norse]

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

[Norse]

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my big fat cock.

[muy_thaiguy]

A blond, a red head and a brunette are lost in the middle of the woods while on a hunting trip. They lost most of their ammunition somehow. Well, the red head decided to head out, and was gone for hours. When the red head finally came back, he had a big buck with him. The other two asked how he got it. The red head said that he followed tracks and shot it. Then the brunette heads out, and the same thing happens except it is a big moose. The other two ask the same question and the brunette replied, I followed tracks and shot it. Then the blonde goes out, and is gone for nearly a day. When the blond comes back, she is all battered and bruised. The other two ask what happened. The blond replies, I followed tracks and got hit by a train.

[Heretic]

Jesus and God are sitting on the sofa,watching a movie on a Saturday night,when suddenly the doorbell rings.Jesus opens the door and finds Allah standing there.He wonders about a second,turns over to the living room and shouts: "Hey God,have we ordered pizza?"

[AlgyTaylor]

Why did the tiger lose his records?







Because the junglist massive

[AlgyTaylor]

Last night I was in my house, heard this knocking on the door. Went to go and answer it, and it was this guy dressed in a full highwayman costume, guns & everything. Before I had chance to speak he shouted "Stand and deliver!"



I told him to f*ck off, but he was ADAMANT

[Norse]

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who was invited to a TOGA party?

He went dressed as a goat.

[AAAVforce]

I thought that life couldn't get lamer until i saw these jokes...

[Coleman]

Not lame, and on one will get this but...

"It's 71 Virginians you asshole!"