SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[LiveLoveTeach]

I get angry when my cell phone battery dies.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

[the warrior65]

Two undies meet, one says to the other,

"Hey, have you been on holiday? You got nice and brown!"

[Charle]

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.

[JJ41375]

Q: How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

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[MSpitts24]

Dear woman,

I would swim shark-infested English channel to catch a glimpse of you. I would cross the Sahara desert, long ways, to touch your hand. i would climb Mount Everest in the dead of winter for a kiss, but I cannot go out to the pub with you later today, Manchester is playing tonite

[LiveLoveTeach]

What concert costs 45 cents?

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[gigi_b]

How did you come up with this one? Is it original or you've found it/heard it from some place?

Back in 1919, during Romania's invasion of Transylvania while the Hungarian Army was officially disarmed, one of said army's former officers - a count by heredity, not that he cared much for the title - was puttering around his mansion when there was a commotion outside. When he went to see what was going on, he found most of the nearby village running by in a panic. "Vat is going on?", he demanded.

The village's mayor replied, "The Romanians are invading! We're evacuating!"

The count smiled and shook his head. "No. Get everyone in here. I vill prepare a surprise for our guests, a little souvenir that my servants and I...'acquired' vhen our army disbanded." With that he ran off to the rear of the mansion, leaving the front doors wide open.

The surprised mayor took one look at the sturdy mansion, and began shouting and waving for everyone to take shelter inside. They did, hiding fearfully as the sound of marching soldiers grew closer and closer. Eventually the count returned, walking confidently. Before the villagers could ask what he had planned, there was the sound of engines and gunfire outside.

The mayor peeked through a window to see a squadron of armored war machines, painted with the count's coat of arms, routing the invaders. "Tanks?!?"

The count nodded. "You're velcome!"

[ElricTheGreat]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

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[Haywood Jablomie]

What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?




A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud get off my Ewe!!!"

[the warrior65]

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

[ABN - PFDR]

Why did the duck get arrested ? Because he was selling Quack.

[LiveLoveTeach]

As a storm was raging, a ship started sinking fast. The captain called out to his crew "anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward and said "Aye, captain, I know how to pray."
The captain responded "Good. You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[LiveLoveTeach]

As a storm was raging, a ship started sinking fast. The captain called out to his crew "anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward and said "Aye, captain, I know how to pray."
The captain said to him "Good. You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[Charle]

A teacher at a High School was having a little trouble getting her year 11 pupils to understand grammar, "These are what we call the pronouns", she said, "and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is..." she was saying, to glazed looks.
Trying a different tack she said, "Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, "I" in it.
Johnny began, "I is..."
"No, no, no, no, no NO, NO!", shouted the teacher, "Never, 'I is', always, 'I am'... now try again".
Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, thought a while then began again more quietly,"I... am ...the ninth letter of the alphabet".

[the warrior65]

Why do women live on average two years longer?

Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

[MagnusGreeol]

- A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

[Nailsale]

a group of boys ready to play a game of baseball knock on Timmy's door. Timmy's mom answers and the boys say "hi Mrs. Smith...can Timmy come out to play baseball?" Shocked, Timmy's mom says "why boys, you know that Timmy can't play baseball...he doesn't have any arms or legs!"

The boys reply "we know that Mrs. Smith, we need a 2nd base."

[LiveLoveTeach]

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

[Charle]

A member of the South African Parliament in is walking down the streets of Cape Town late in the night. He is surrounded by muggers and is asked to give all his money. The member says, "I am one of the members of Parliament!" The muggers say, "Sorry boss!"

[the warrior65]

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”

The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”

[willedtowin1]

3 Ducks....they have to go to Court.

1st duck stands before the judge and Judge asks..... whats your name and why are you here?
1st duck says ....My name is Quack and because I was caught blowing bubbles in the pond.
Judges says ..... OK 6 months in Jail.

Judge asks the 2nd duck the same.... What your name and why are you here?
2nd Duck says..... my name is Quack Quack.... and I was caught doing the same thing.

Judges says...... OK...same sentence as the 1st....6 months in Jail.

Judge asks the 3rd Duck..... Dont tell me you name is Quack Quack Quack?
3rd Duck says..... Naaaaaaaaaaaaa .......my name is Bubbles...........

[MSpitts24]

I met a very tall very good looking woman who was married to a very short man. Since she was in her late 30's and had no kids, I asked her if one of them was infertile, or did they use contraceptives. Neither she replied, I use the Saucer and Bucket routine. I have never heard of it so I asked for more details. Since she was much taller, to have sex, she had her husband stand on a metal bucket. They'd have sex standing up, and when his eyes got as big as saucers, she'd kick the bucket out from under him. In 20 yrs she never became pregnant.

[Dukasaur]

An American scientist, a Russian scientist, and a Canadian scientist are sitting around at a convention bragging about their accomplishments.

The American scientist says, "We took a cadaver of a man, brought him back to life, replaced his missing parts, and now he's up and walking and out looking for a job."

The Russian scientists says, "That's nothing! We took just one severed finger of a man, rebuilt EVERYTHING else with spare parts, and now he's out there looking for a job."

The Canadian scientist says, "Ah, chicken shit. We took just one little asshole of a man, made him Prime Minister, and now everybody's out there looking for a job!"

[ElricTheGreat]

An American scientist, a Russian scientist, and a Canadian scientist are sitting around at a convention bragging about their accomplishments.

The American scientist says, "We took a cadaver of a man, brought him back to life, replaced his missing parts, and now he's up and walking and out looking for a job."

The Russian scientists says, "That's nothing! We took just one severed finger of a man, rebuilt EVERYTHING else with spare parts, and now he's out there looking for a job."

The Canadian scientist says, "Ah, chicken shit. We took just one little asshole of a man, made him Prime Minister, and now everybody's out there looking for a job!"

I call bull !!!

The US and Russian Scientists would be bitchin', complaining, and making excuses for their quick exit from the World Cup of Hockey at the hands of Team Canada

[the warrior65]

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”