SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[Winged Cat]

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

Nice one! If you don't mind a twist on that:

What did the Syrian child (some time over the past few years) want to be when he grew up?

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[thelord]

A neutrino came into a bar. the barman said what can i get you. The neutrino replied - nothing i'm just passing through.

[Dukasaur]

A neutrino came into a bar. the barman said what can i get you. The neutrino replied - nothing i'm just passing through.

A proton goes to a protons-only bar. The bouncer stops him at the door. "Are you sure you're a proton?" says the bouncer.

"Why, yes!" replies the proton. "I'm positive!"

[LiveLoveTeach]

Old people at weddings always used to poke me and say "you're next", so I started doing the same to them at funerals.

[MSpitts24]

jack and jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came back with $2.50, Jack came and smiled

[Dukasaur]

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

[BoganGod]

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?




A sick pussy on your organ

[dakky21]

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.

[Charle]

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

[misteryforall]

A man sits on the bank of brick and thrown into the water.
What are you doing? - Asked the boy.
I'm surprised!
Why do you wonder?
Brick square, and I throw it into the water, the appearance of circles!

[b00060]

Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.

P.S. I am still not getting any clues sent to me.

[Jondovick]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

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[MSpitts24]

three soldiers names Deploy, Assault and Reinforce walk into a bar called the Conquer Club. They see about a dozen deaf/mute people doing sign language frantically in the corner. The barkeep takes all the deaf/mutes and shoos them out of the bar. Deploy, Assault and Reinforce ask the barkeep why. He says "If I told them once, I told them 100 times. . .NO SINGING IN MY BAR!"

[Man from Modesto]

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

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[Razorvich]

ANY joke for the next 48 HOURS will attract double clues.

viewtopic.php?f=786&t=219706&p=4853733#p4853733

[Bigroo4601]

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.
The first man says he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other."
The second man says he bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.
The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

[Tobikera]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

[spoiler=Answer]"Baaaaa..."[/spoiler]

[djelebert]

One guy go to a brothel with only 10$.
The tenant told him that for this, he can go upstairs in the last room on the left.

The guy go upstairs, opened the door. "Really dark here!". He saw a girl already lain on bed, with spread legs.
"OK let's go girl!"
When he came, he saw some fluid beginning to flow from girl nostrils and mouth. "OH my g..."!
Frightened he ran down to counter and told that he saw to the tenant.

Then the tenant turned to the back room and said : "Hé Patty, you can go upstairs and empty the dead, she's full"

[rizky_biznezz]

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

[Charle]

A Zimbabwean, a Nigerian and a South African are sitting in a bar in Beria.

The Zimbabwean finishes his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Zimbabwe,” he says, “we have so many glasses that we don’t have to drink with the same one twice.”

The Nigerian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

“In Nigeria,” he says, “we have so much stolen money that we don’t have to drink with the same one twice either.”

The South African, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his .45, and shoots the Zimbabwean and the Nigerian. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, he says,

“In South Africa we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice.”

[Theldin]

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

[macbone]

A lady walks into a pet store. She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO. The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says, "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is, "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says, "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "Hey Jim."

[cgblack]

A woman visiting her doctor. The doctor says "You appear to be pregnant."
"I'm pregnant??", she exclaims.
"No, you just appear to be pregnant!", replies the doctor.

[Winged Cat]

A neutrino came into a bar. the barman said what can i get you. The neutrino replied - nothing i'm just passing through.

A proton goes to a protons-only bar. The bouncer stops him at the door. "Are you sure you're a proton?" says the bouncer.

"Why, yes!" replies the proton. "I'm positive!"

A swarm of electrons has just completed their lap around the circuit. And in other current news...

[mookiemcgee]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?- Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?