SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

[MagnusGreeol]

- Two drunk men are walking down the street when they notice a dog on the curb licking his balls, After watching the dog for a couple minutes, one of the men looks at the other and says, "Man, I wish I could do that", the other guy looks at his buddy and says " Well, I think you should try petting him first"

[Leroy Gibbs]

Why did Adele cross the road?

show

[zipper66]

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"

[t4mcr53s2]

as long as we're doing bar jokes...

Because I dont have a green thumb , so I bought one of those pots with the bamboo shoots and the leaves growing out of them , figuring i couldnt kill it... but I stopped at the bar on my way home ...

A panda walked into the bar , took one look at my potted plant, grabbed it, ate it, threw the pot into the air, pulled out a revolver and blasted it to smithereens and then turned and walked out of the bar.

the bartender says "I should have warned you -

show

*

* It's actually the title of a book about punctuation

[ElricTheGreat]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted,

show

[guido74]

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

[guido74]

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

[Charle]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[simi16]

Either the woman at the back of the train has two really ugly children or two really cool pokemon.

[djelebert]

Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says : Catch up.

[MagnusGreeol]

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

[blacky365]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[MagnusGreeol]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

- Much much better than the " love lie for sex" Black! Bravo!! ")

[WingCmdr Ginkapo]

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game once.

It was a risk I was willing to take

[dakky21]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Bigroo4601]

What do you call a cow with 1 leg?

Lean Beef

[Ben Wilson]

What do you call a three foot tall Jamaican?

A Yardie.

[Mad777]

How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic'

[Razorvich]

updated to here

[Tobikera]

Man was walking down the street in his home town, and spotted a friend of his sitting on a park bench, whittling. The friend on the bench was obviously pretty upset. The man said to his friend, "What you so het up about??" The friend looked up and said, "Had to shoot my dog." The man said "Were he mad??" The friend replied, "He weren't so damned pleased."

[Doctor Spin]

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

[owenshooter]

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

SPIN!!! you are alive!!! i haven't seen you since the 90's!!! good to see you!!! great joke, considering who you are!!!
the black jesus is amused...-Jésus noir


Spin is back!!!

[Winged Cat]

"Now I might not be able to see well any more, but even I can see this mode where you can't see anything but what's next to you - that's the one you youngsters find most 'ribbeting', eh? Eh?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The mode's name. It says right here: Frog Of War."

[Paddyohale]

Entropy: It's not what it used to be.

[Paddyohale]

What's the difference between a car mechanic and a quantum mechanic?

show