Atheist Jokes

[Neoteny]

I lol'd.

[KLOBBER]

The only funny part is that he assumed I was a Christian.

[Haggis_McMutton]

A muslim, a chirstian and a jew ...

[KLOBBER]

Dick Dawkins, atheist extraodinaire, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and clumsily bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he grabs the drunken fool and asks, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunken atheist guru, trembling and weeping like a little girl with a skinned knee, answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs Mr. Dawkins and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the lousy drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Dick the drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" Dicky-boy answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is beginning to get just a little impatient with the sniveling drunken bastard, so he dunks the atheist fool in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 90 seconds, and when he begins kicking his frail arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks Mr. Dawkins, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus yet?" The deluded fop wipes his eyes, spurts several pints of water, and catches his breath and whimpers, "No, I haven't found him! Are you quite sure this is where he fell in?"

[jonesthecurl]

Q: how many KLOBBERs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I didn't ask that, you did.

[KLOBBER]

Dick Dawkins, atheist extraordinaire, barged into a college classroom and claimed that he was going to prove his belief that God somehow didn't exist. He shrieked, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I`ll give you precisely 15 minutes!" Then, he reached into the pocket of his lovely crushed velvet waistcoat, pulled out an oddly stylish silver stopwatch on a thin silver chain, and clicked it with a disconcertingly effeminate flourish.

Ten minutes went by. To the horror of all the students and the professor, Mr. Dawkins kept taunting God, screaming in a shrill, girlish voice, "Here I am God -- I`m still waiting!" He got down to the last minute, when and an imposing 250-pound football player stopped outside the classroom door. The football player ran into the classroom exactly at the 14:59 mark, and tackled the atheist fop full force, sending him flying off the platform into a pile of empty chairs.

After ten minutes of gasping for air, Dicky-boy finally got up, obviously shaken, and after taking the time to gingerly wipe the dust off his fine clothes with his favorite pink silk hanky, he beat his doughy, pale fists on the football player's strong chest, whining, "Why did you do that to me, you big meanie?"

The football player replied, "God didn't want to be in the same room with you, so He sent me instead!"

[Neoteny]

I thought it was supposed to be a marine in that story.

[StiffMittens]

Q: How many Gods does it take to convince KLOBBER that he's right.
A: None, but that won't stop KLOBBER.

[KLOBBER]

How many atheists does it take to pray to God in a foxhole? Just one -- any one will do.

[Frigidus]

KLOBBER nods dumbly and the priest throws himself from the plane leaving behind his enormous Bible (12 ft. tall X 9 ft. wide X 6 ft. thick) which is hand carved out of solid granite and decorated with tungsten and lead ornaments

Went from chuckling quietly to cackling at this part.

[zebraman]

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and an atheist.

The Rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the Rabbi cried out, "I have faith in the one and only true God, the God of Abraham and of Moses, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the Rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. At that point, the Rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the Rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I have faith in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned the Priest beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward -- thump! creak! ...and again it stopped just short of its mark.

"Another miracle!" sighed the crowd. And the executioner for the second time had to agree and let the condemned go free.

Now it was the atheist's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the atheist didn't reply. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost in thought. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"It's no miracle, you superstitious morons!" the atheist said, pointing, "It's just an easy-to-fix blockage in the gear assembly between the basal platform and the anvil blade -- right there!"

Funny regardless of how old it is

It's good not to take ourselves so seriously every once in awhile and laugh at our belief system. I know I've laughed at the believers here so what's good for one group is good for another I guess.

[KLOBBER]

Went from chuckling quietly to cackling at this part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qk58YZe2e0

[bedub1]

damn I love jokes...more more more!

[Frigidus]

Went from chuckling quietly to cackling at this part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YshwQNyY ... re=related

That was, in fact, a close approximation to the hideous ululation that burst forth from my throat.

[MeDeFe]

Dick Dawkins, atheist extraodinaire, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and clumsily bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he grabs the drunken fool and asks, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunken atheist guru, trembling and weeping like a little girl with a skinned knee, answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs Mr. Dawkins and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the lousy drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Dick the drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" Dicky-boy answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is beginning to get just a little impatient with the sniveling drunken bastard, so he dunks the atheist fool in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 90 seconds, and when he begins kicking his frail arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks Mr. Dawkins, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus yet?" The deluded fop wipes his eyes, spurts several pints of water, and catches his breath and whimpers, "No, I haven't found him! Are you quite sure this is where he fell in?"

This one's actually quite good.

[daddy1gringo]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[daddy1gringo]

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

[Backglass]

Funny stuff!

Even funnier is how the jokes religious people are always kind & calm and the athiests are rude and "sneering".

I don't sneer.

[jonesthecurl]

Did you read the jokes? Doesn't sound like it.

[Backglass]

Did you read the jokes? Doesn't sound like it.

OK, now I'm sneering.

[jonesthecurl]

what an attractive sneer.
Does a sneer have to be lopsided?

[Frigidus]

what an attractive sneer.
Does a sneer have to be lopsided?

I think a symmetrical sneer would be more of a grimace.

[MeDeFe]

what an attractive sneer.
Does a sneer have to be lopsided?

I think a symmetrical sneer would be more of a grimace.

Maybe origin symmetry around a point between the lips could be achieved. But it would still be lopsided.

[jesusfreak16]

An atheist was swimming in the ocean. He saw a shark heading straight for him and he cried out, "God save me!"
Then God answered "Why are you calling on me? You don't even believe in me."
The athiest replied, "Well, could you make the shark believe in You?"
Then the shark stopped, folded its fins, and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I am about to eat."

[jonesthecurl]

Was the shark sneering?