Tell Your Best Jokes Here!

[Suzy1]

Anyone reading posts here, should do so with an open mind and not be offended as these are "Jokes" and not being directed to anyone in any way! With all the clever, quick-witted members here, this should be good! Just For Laughs!!!

[happy2seeyou]

Jokes, non Risk game related items should be in the Chatter Box.

[The Fuzzy Pengui]

Thanks H2SY, couldn't have said it better myself.

Moved on over.

[batman the man]

<mod edit>

[Suzy1]

My bad! Thanks

[polarbeast23]

<mod edit

[ccm87]

that was pretty lame.
how about this one:
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/random_j ... ke_id=4749
i dont think i can post it here...

[The Weird One]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[gdeangel]

http://www.conquerclub.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=24169

Whose the guys with the cat that attacks out of nowhere when you hit "new thread"??? Now that's funny to watch...

[Sir Kick-some]

Here's a couple of good uns




The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says.
'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, gets undressed in the bathroom, stick
my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!'

His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obvious
ly taking

the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then
jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!

WHO'S HORNY????!!!

And she acts like she's sound asleep.







It Works Every Time!!







On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, Honey, do you remember this?
He looked up from his newspaper and said; Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married.
She said, Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out.
She giggled and said; That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years
later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?

He looked her up and down and said; Mission accomplished.

[Suzy1]

A woman is standing in fornt of her mirror and says to her husband, "I am overweight, my boobs are sagging, I've aged and I look terrible. Honey, can you please give me a compliment?" The husband replies, "yes!" "You're eyesight is damn near perfect!"

[Sentinel XIV]

God looks at Heaven, and notices it's over-crowded. He decides to implement a new rule.

"Starting tomorrow at noon, they only way anyone is getting into Heaven is if they were having a bad day before they died", he announces to all the angels.

The next day, at 12:01pm, the first person attempts to enter Heaven under the new guidelines. He walks up to the desk and looks at the angel behind it.

The angel, remembering the new rule, says, "Sir, before I let you into Heaven, you have to tell me how your day was going before you died."

"No problem", the applicant says. "I decided to head home to my 25th-floor apartment for lunch. I had to take the stairs because the elevator was out that day. When I walked in, I heard loud whispering and shuffling coming from the bedroom. I entered to find my wife, naked, lying on the bed. I knew she had been with someone else, so I went searching for the bastard. Now, she's screaming at me the whole time, shouting about how I'm never home and I spend too much time at work. Just as I'm about to give up the search, I notice the door to the bedroom balcony is open. There's a set of fingers hanging over the edge. Without even thinking, I jump up onto the rail and start stomping on the bastard's fingers. He falls the 25 floors to the street below. Wouldn't you know it, but a tree breaks his fall and he lives. Now I'm really pissed. I turn to find something heavy to throw at him. The first thing I think of is the fridge, so I push out onto the balcony and over the edge. It landed on the guy, killing him instantly."

"So, how did you die?", the angel asked.

"The excitement of the moment was so great, I had a heart attack and died."

"That's a pretty bad day", the angel thinks to himself. "Very well, sir. Welcome to heaven."

The next person in line steps up, and the angel is surprised to see Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I let you into Heaven, you have to tell me how your day was going before you died."

"Certainly.", says Donald. "I was doing my daily exercise out on my balcony. Work had been stressful, so I was working extra hard. I must've been working too hard because I slipped and fell over the rail. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the balcony below mine. So, there I am, hanging 25 floors above the street, and, just as I'm about to pull myself up over the rail, so crazy guy jumps up onto the rail and starts stomping on my fingers. Well, I fell the 250 feet to the street below, but a tree broke my fall. As I lay there, immobile, the crazy bastard heaves a refrigerator over the balcony, which lands directly on me, killing me instantly."

"Pretty bad day, Mr. Trump. Welcome to Heaven."

The next person in line steps up, and the angel is even more surprised to be face-to-face with President Bill Clinton. Images of assassination and war flash before the angels eyes.

"Mr. President, before I let you into Heaven, you have to tell me how your day was going before you died."

"Sure.", says the President. "So, I'm naked, hiding in this guys fridge, when, all of a sudden..."

[Gregrios]

A teacher is teaching a lesson to a 2nd grade class on visual acceptance.

Teacher asks one student, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

The boy replies, "I see Blue."

Teacher then asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Boy answers, "I see green."

Teacher then asks, "Look at God and what do you see?"

Boy replies, "I can't see him."

Teacher concludes, "You cannot see him because he does not exist but the sky and grass outside are visable and therefore very real."

The boy raises his hand and asks the teacher if he can ask her a few questions.

The teacher was shocked but willingly agreed to the boy's request.

The boy asked, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see blue."

Boy asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see green."

Boy then asks, "Look at your brain and what do you see?"

Teacher answers, "I cannot see inside my head."

Boy concludes, "Well, if you cannot see your brain then it must not exist."

[V.I.]

Q: What's better than winning a silver medal in the Special Olympics?

A: Not being retarded, much like Gregrios' lame apologist joke.

[jonesthecurl]

A teacher is teaching a lesson to a 2nd grade class on visual acceptance.

Teacher asks one student, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

The boy replies, "I see Blue."

Teacher then asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Boy answers, "I see green."

Teacher then asks, "Look at God and what do you see?"

Boy replies, "I can't see him."

Teacher concludes, "You cannot see him because he does not exist but the sky and grass outside are visable and therefore very real."

The boy raises his hand and asks the teacher if he can ask her a few questions.

The teacher was shocked but willingly agreed to the boy's request.

The boy asked, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see blue."

Boy asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see green."

Boy then asks, "Look at your brain and what do you see?"

Teacher answers, "I cannot see inside my head."

Boy concludes, "Well, if you cannot see your brain then it must not exist."

So she smashes his skull open and says, "see, class, Gregrios did have a brain, small though it was".

[Gregrios]

A teacher is teaching a lesson to a 2nd grade class on visual acceptance.

Teacher asks one student, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

The boy replies, "I see Blue."

Teacher then asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Boy answers, "I see green."

Teacher then asks, "Look at God and what do you see?"

Boy replies, "I can't see him."

Teacher concludes, "You cannot see him because he does not exist but the sky and grass outside are visable and therefore very real."

The boy raises his hand and asks the teacher if he can ask her a few questions.

The teacher was shocked but willingly agreed to the boy's request.

The boy asked, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see blue."

Boy asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see green."

Boy then asks, "Look at your brain and what do you see?"

Teacher answers, "I cannot see inside my head."

Boy concludes, "Well, if you cannot see your brain then it must not exist."

[jonesthecurl]

A teacher is teaching a lesson to a 2nd grade class on visual acceptance.

Teacher asks one student, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

The boy replies, "I see Blue."

Teacher then asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Boy answers, "I see green."

Teacher then asks, "Look at God and what do you see?"

Boy replies, "I can't see him."

Teacher concludes, "You cannot see him because he does not exist but the sky and grass outside are visable and therefore very real."

The boy raises his hand and asks the teacher if he can ask her a few questions.

The teacher was shocked but willingly agreed to the boy's request.

The boy asked, "Look up at the sky and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see blue."

Boy asks, "Look at the grass and what do you see?"

Teacher replies, "I see green."

Boy then asks, "Look at your brain and what do you see?"

Teacher answers, "I cannot see inside my head."

Boy concludes, "Well, if you cannot see your brain then it must not exist."

So she smashes his skull open and says, "see, class, Gregrios did have a brain, small though it was".
"And that reminds me, class," she added, "the new word for today is "atrophied". Who can tel me what that means..."

[MagicMan]

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes
it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"... *His wife
nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer
replies: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[brooksieb]

How many Gary Glitters does it take to screw in a light bulb? none, he only screws little girls!