Best Joke Teller on CC?

[gdeangel]

Two men are stranded in the dessert. They have been walking for days without food or water when they come to hut along a bedoine trail. They knock desperately, and an extremely ugly old woman answers the door. "We've been walking for days without water or food, and we saw your hut. Please do you have any food or water to spare?" The old woman says: "Sure, but there is one condition - you must satisfy me with sex and then I will give you as much food and drink as you want." The two men look at each other, and neither is willing to have sex with this woman, so she closes the door on them and they sit down to rest against the wall. As the sun gets hotter, the first guys finally says: "I can't take it... I'm not going to die out here. I'm going to have sex with that woman to get some water." As he heads for the door, he has an idea and picks out a corn from the garden. In he goes, and as they get down to it, he clandestinly takes the corn into the bed and uses it to have sex with her. Having finished the job, he tosses the corn out the window, follows her into the kitchen where she gives him plenty to drink and eat. As he is ready to get on his way, he walks out past the second guy who is sitting against the wall with a big grin on his face. 'What are you so happy about?" asks the first guy.

To which he relies: "Well, you just had sex with the uglies woman on earth for some food, but just sitting here doing nothing I got a nice juicy corn with butter!"

[lord voldemort]

a moth flies into a dentist office and says to the dentist....i think im a moth.
the dentist replies if you think your a moth why are you in a dentists office....
crap i forgot the punch line
and the moth then goes....ah im just curious are you in to like orthodontics's or just general dentistry....
oh and back to your original question about to why are u in a dentist's office if you think your a moth its because the light was on!!
its a joke james...jokes are funny...anyway what seams to be the problem apart from your funny bone being broken!!

and..

whats the difference between a baby and a freezer...
answer is disgusting...
the freezer doesnt scream when i put my meat into it

and...
Why did the koala fall out of the tree....
cause some one threw a fridge at it...
why did the second koala fall out of the tree....
it was tied to the first koala...
why did the third koala fall out of the tree....
peer pressure


and
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor....
wheres my tractor?


and....
another joke...WICKED!!

thats about it

[jonesthecurl]

Oldest joke I know of, written as an Anglo-Saxon riddle, but apparently based on an older latin version.

What has got one eye, two legs, two arms, and a thousand heads?

[jonesthecurl]

Oh, and what did Admiral Nelson say to his men before they got on the boat?

[DAZMCFC]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!



Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cuz eight nine ten!.

don't give up your day job.

[jonesthecurl]

Oh, and what did Admiral Nelson say to his men before they got on the boat?

"Get on the boat, men!"

[wcaclimbing]

a moth flies into a dentist office and says to the dentist....i think im a moth.
the dentist replies if you think your a moth why are you in a dentists office....
crap i forgot the punch line
and the moth then goes....ah im just curious are you in to like orthodontics's or just general dentistry....
oh and back to your original question about to why are u in a dentist's office if you think your a moth its because the light was on!!
its a joke james...jokes are funny...anyway what seams to be the problem apart from your funny bone being broken!!

er...
*blank stare*

I don't get it...

[DAZMCFC]

Oh, and what did Admiral Nelson say to his men before they got on the boat?

"Get on the boat, men!"

*tumble weed rolls past*

[gdeangel]

A hunchback goes to surgeon and asks if anything can be done to help him with his deformity. The surgeon examines him and says, "Well, the problem is that your genitals are so large they are throwing your back out of shape. We can surgically reduce their size, and your hump will improve." To which the Hunchback replies, "Are you joking! I'm a hunchback, not an idiot!"

[jonesthecurl]

So there's this guy with a missing eye. Naturally, a glass eye is put in its place, but one day he loses it.
He's going to a dance that evening, and wants to look his best, so he manages to substitute a wooden sphere, which he paints white, and then paints iris and pupil on to match his real eye.

It'll do until he can get a replacement glass one, he thinks.

At the dance, he is having a good time, but most of the girls don't seem especially attracted to him, or they are being chatted up by lots of other blokes.

Eventually, he spots a rather attractive girl that everyone seems to be ignoring, just because she's got a bit of a hump. Poor girl, he thinks. I think I'll go and ask her to dance.

He approaches the girl, she smiles. He smiles too and says

"Would you like to dance?"

She replies "Would'n I!"

He shouts "Humpty-back!"

[fireedud]

So there's this guy with a missing eye. Naturally, a glass eye is put in its place, but one day he loses it.
He's going to a dance that evening, and wants to look his best, so he manages to substitute a wooden sphere, which he paints white, and then paints iris and pupil on to match his real eye.

It'll do until he can get a replacement glass one, he thinks.

At the dance, he is having a good time, but most of the girls don't seem especially attracted to him, or they are being chatted up by lots of other blokes.

Eventually, he spots a rather attractive girl that everyone seems to be ignoring, just because she's got a bit of a hump. Poor girl, he thinks. I think I'll go and ask her to dance.

He approaches the girl, she smiles. He smiles too and says

"Would you like to dance?"

She replies "Would'n I!"

He shouts "Humpty-back!"

I don't get it...

[muy_thaiguy]

So there's this guy with a missing eye. Naturally, a glass eye is put in its place, but one day he loses it.
He's going to a dance that evening, and wants to look his best, so he manages to substitute a wooden sphere, which he paints white, and then paints iris and pupil on to match his real eye.

It'll do until he can get a replacement glass one, he thinks.

At the dance, he is having a good time, but most of the girls don't seem especially attracted to him, or they are being chatted up by lots of other blokes.

Eventually, he spots a rather attractive girl that everyone seems to be ignoring, just because she's got a bit of a hump. Poor girl, he thinks. I think I'll go and ask her to dance.

He approaches the girl, she smiles. He smiles too and says

"Would you like to dance?"

She replies "Would'n I!"

He shouts "Humpty-back!"

I don't get it...

Say the "woodn I" part out loud. Then look back earlier in the joke.

[Snorri1234]

Here's one I personally can relate to:

Ah, I remember my first time being pushed into a pool full of alligators....

[ignotus]

Here's one I personally can relate to:

Ah, I remember my first time being pushed into a pool full of alligators....

well you could try swimming with the piranhas.

[Gregrios]

A couple are sitting around their appartment very bored and they want to try something new.

The guy says, "How about I stick various items up your pooper and you guess what they are?"

She willingly agrees.

He leaves the room and comes back with a baseball bat.

He sticks it up her butt and then asks her to guess what it is.

She replies, "It's long and slim and gets bigger the further it goes in. It's a baseball bat."

He says, "Wow, that's impressive."

Determined to really stump her, he goes for a water melon.

He comes back and sticks it up her butt and says guess what this is with a big smile of confidence.

She replies, "It's very wide and squashy and has an uneven shape about it. It's a water melon."

He is amazed and tells her she's right yet again.

Determined more then ever, he goes into the bathroom and grabs the thing that clears the toilette when it overflows.


Damn, that ruins the whole joke if I can't remember what it's called. I'll get back you on that.

[suggs]

So, three students- one from the Uni of Cambridge, One from Harvard and one from Univeristy of Oxford. go on holiday to Jamaica.
Sadly, on the way there, their plane crashes, and they all die.
They ascend to St. Peter's Gate. However, its the last friday of the month, so Pete has a day off. So God decides to get his hands mucky and interview the three students himself.
He interviews the Oxford student first.
"So tell me", says God, "when you were alive, what did you believe in?"
The Oxford student replied "Oh, truth, justice, the search for a greater happiness for all Mankind, that sort of stuff."

"Gosh, that's ever so good", beams God, "come in to heaven!"
"What do you believe in?" He asks the Harvard student.
"Oh, i believe in making as much money as possible, so i could provide for my family and give loads of cash to charity".

"Thats groovy", agrees God, "come into Heaven!"

"What about you?", God asks the Cambridge student. "What do you believe in?"
The Cambridge student replies:
"I believe you are in my chair."

[ignotus]

What's the short name for this year's EURO, played in Austria and Switzerland??? Auschwitz!



A psychopath killer walks into a house and meets man and woman sleeping in bed.
She wakes them up and asks the woman: - "What's your name?"
-"Britney..."
-"I will spare your life because my mother has the same name!" Then he turns to the husband and asks him: -"And what's your name?"
-"John... ...but my friends call me Britney!"



A robber cames out from the bank and asks one guy: -"Did you see me?"
-"Yes."
BAM! Robber kills the guy. Then he walks up to the other guy: -"Did you see me?"
-"No... But my mother in law did!"



God was going to spend ten days on creating Earth... Chuck Norris gave him only six!


Chuck Norris and Superman were arm wrestling. They decided that the looser must wear underpants over their trousers.

[muy_thaiguy]

Chuck Norris and Superman were arm wrestling. They decided that the looser must wear pants over their trousers.

You do mean underpants, correct?

[ignotus]

Chuck Norris and Superman were arm wrestling. They decided that the looser must wear pants over their trousers.

You do mean underpants, correct?

Fixed!

That is what you get when you try to translate a joke (Croatian to English).

[jonesthecurl]

A robber cames out from the bank and asks one guy: -"Did you see me?"
-"Yes."
BAM! Robber kills the guy. Then he walks up to the other guy: -"Did you see me?"
-"No... But my mother in law did!"

That reminds me of the Sufi parable of Mullah Nasserudin:

He goes into a shop.
He asks the shopkeeper: "Did you just see me walk into your shop?"
The shopkeeper: "Yes"
Nasserudin :"Have you ever seen me before?"
Shopkeeper: "No."
Nasserudin: "Then how do you know it was me?"

[jonesthecurl]

Oldest joke I know of, written as an Anglo-Saxon riddle, but apparently based on an older latin version.

What has got one eye, two legs, two arms, and a thousand heads?

A one-eyed garlic seller.

[ignotus]

Damn, that ruins the whole joke if I can't remember what it's called. I'll get back you on that.

Hahahaha! I remember that one, but I'm not falling for it.

[Gregrios]

Damn, that ruins the whole joke if I can't remember what it's called. I'll get back you on that.

Hahahaha! I remember that one, but I'm not falling for it.

It seems nobody is.

I figured the urge to make me look stupid would intrigue someone to take the bait.

Guess not.

[ignotus]

Damn, that ruins the whole joke if I can't remember what it's called. I'll get back you on that.

Hahahaha! I remember that one, but I'm not falling for it.

It seems nobody is.

I figured the urge to make me look stupid would intrigue someone to fall for the bait.

Guess not.

It's just one of those jokes that sound's better when it's spoken.


Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King... ...and got one.

[tzor]

To determine who would be president of the orchestra the instruments had an election. There was a runnoff and the two leading candidates, the oboe and the harp had a debate before the final vote. The harp was trying to state the oboe's position when the oboe objected.

"I never said that! You're nothing but a lyre!"