The Joke Thread

[browng-08]

Well, let's hear it, then.

[heavycola]

What's the hardest part about learning to rollerblade?









Telling your parents you're gay.

[greenpower91]

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a freezer?
A freezer doesn't scream when you stuff you're meat in it!

Dude, ew.

[darvlay]

Sister Mary Elisabeth and Sister Mary Catherine are walking home to the convent through an unlit park on a dreary Saturday evening after taking in an evening at the opera. They are conversing on the normal things which nuns converse when all of a sudden a large disheveled man dressed in nothing but a stained and torn trenchcoat appears in front of them from behind some burly oak tree. He flashes his coat to unveil his large turgid member in a ritual of twisted self-satisfaction. Sister Mary Elisabeth, being the elder and braver of the two, reaches out with her quick hands and grabs the monstrous cock with her deft right and shouts, "Quick, Sister Mary Catherine - run back to the convent and fetch the biggest knife you can find! I'll keep this fiend here!" Sister Mary Catherine sprints to the convent only a block away and retrieves the large butcher's knife hanging stealthily from the magnetic hanger affixed to the tiled backsplash. She runs back to the park as quickly as possible to find Sister Mary Elisabeth still there with the sex offender's wang remaining in her tight grip. "Okay", says Sister Mary Elisabeth to an exhausted and panting Sister Mary Catherine. Making a motion with her free hand to both corners of her tight lipped mouth she directs, "Make two big cuts, one here... and one here."

[darvlay]

What do riding a moped and having sex with a fat chick have in common?

They're both fun until your friends find out...

[greenpower91]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.

[Fruitcake]

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!"

[Fruitcake]

John woke up after the Office New Year party with a pounding headache, a mouth like the bottom of a Budgie cage and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Oh God, darling,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn and venom. 'You made a complete twat of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the Chairman, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

[JBlombier]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[Martin Ronne]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?




Keep the Tip!

[Martin Ronne]

A man is walking down the street when he notices that a local bar is serving his favorite food, Chili. He goes in and asks the bar tender for a bowl, bar tender says, "sorry, that man over there has our last bowl". The man walks over to the man with the chili, and notices he isn't eating. The man asks, "if your not gonna eat that, do you mind if I have." The other man agrees to this so he starts eating. About half way through, the man discovers a huge dead rat in the bowl. He barfs up the chili back into the bowl! The other man says, "yeah, that's about how far I got to."

[DarthBlood]

santa claus, the tooth fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking together on the street one day. they spot a $100 bill on the ground, and all jump to get it. who gets it?
the dumb blonde. the other three don't exist.

what's the difference between an american tank and a mexican tank?
an american tank needs 2 people to operate: the guy operating the cannon, and the driver.
a mexican tank needs 12 people to operate. the guy operating the cannon, the driver, and the 10 people pushing the tank.

found these on a website, thought they were hilarious:

LOTS OF RACIAL BASHING! if you're offended by black jokes (or the "n" word), jew jokes, mexican jokes, or jokes against racists, don't read...

What's the difference between dog shit and niggers?
When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday?
Tell them a joke on Friday.

Why is a racist like a drunk?
Because whatever they say ends in a slur.

Have you heard about the racist who choked on his youghurt?
Someone told him it grew out of a foreign culture.

Why do racists compete with others on the basis of colour?
Because if they competed on brains, they'd lose.

Why did the racist punch out the immigrants?
Because if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.

[JBlombier]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

[rdsrds2120]

How do you know if a farmer is good or not?

[spoiler=Answer]If he's outstanding in his field![/spoiler]

-rd

[Woodruff]

A young family with a 5 year old girl moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The 5 year old naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with an envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those fuckers at Lowe's ever deliver the goddamn sheet rock!"

And a followup:

She goes home and her mom asks her what she learned today. "Well, I learned to hang a door." "How do you do that honey?" "Well, you slap the sunnovabitch up there, but the fucker don't fit, so you gatta trim a cunt-hair off here and there until the bastard can shut." "SUZY! You know know not to swear like that! Go to the yard and get a switch!" "f*ck that, mom! That's the goddamn electrician's job!"

[BigBallinStalin]

I heard this one from a Jewish Israeli--apparently, the young ones (age: 16-30) love making jokes about Nazis, Hitler, and the Holocaust.



Why did Hitler commit suicide?

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