2
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "hey buddy, why the long face"?
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Machiavelli
- Posts: 2021
- Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:34 pm
0. He'd be getting pissed on.
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack", she cries.
The blond guy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten pig" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack", she cries.
The blond guy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten pig" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
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riskproplayer
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2006 6:08 pm
sorry not a baseball fan dont get 
WHAT RETARDED PEOPLE DO
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties
WHAT RETARDED PEOPLE DO
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties
2.5
This guy walks into a bar on the 20th story of a hotel and there is only one customer. He's sitting at the bar with 3 shots in front of him. All of a sudden he downs them all and runs and jumps out the window. The guy is flabbergasted when, 5 minutes later, the guy who just jumped walks in the door and orders 3 more shots. He procceeds to drink them all and jump out the window again. When he comes back in 5 minutes, the first guy asks him what that was all about the guy replies:
" The shots are for courage, but when you jump out the window, the wind shears coming up the side of the building allow you to float gently to the ground. It is really awesome"
Despite the bartender's protests, the guy orders 3 shots and proceeds to drink them all and jump out the window.
They hear him scream all the way to the ground, and after the splat, the bartender turns to the patron and says:
"Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
This guy walks into a bar on the 20th story of a hotel and there is only one customer. He's sitting at the bar with 3 shots in front of him. All of a sudden he downs them all and runs and jumps out the window. The guy is flabbergasted when, 5 minutes later, the guy who just jumped walks in the door and orders 3 more shots. He procceeds to drink them all and jump out the window again. When he comes back in 5 minutes, the first guy asks him what that was all about the guy replies:
" The shots are for courage, but when you jump out the window, the wind shears coming up the side of the building allow you to float gently to the ground. It is really awesome"
Despite the bartender's protests, the guy orders 3 shots and proceeds to drink them all and jump out the window.
They hear him scream all the way to the ground, and after the splat, the bartender turns to the patron and says:
"Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
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wcaclimbing
- Posts: 5598
- Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 10:09 pm
- Location: In your quantum box....Maybe.
- Contact:
19
crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "f*ck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "f*ck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
Dead to Me: New York Intellectuals, Men with Beards, California's 50th District, Heather Clark, Bowtie Pasta, Owls, CNN en Espanol, Screw-Cap Wines, Cast of Friends,
Toronto Raptors
Toronto Raptors
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riskproplayer
- Posts: 133
- Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2006 6:08 pm
-
wcaclimbing
- Posts: 5598
- Joined: Fri May 12, 2006 10:09 pm
- Location: In your quantum box....Maybe.
- Contact:
-
strike wolf
- Posts: 8345
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 11:03 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Sandy Springs, GA (just north of Atlanta)
just 1 I herd earlier today.
Me and my friend drive up to Kentucky and stop in a restaurant. We start arguing about whether the city we were in was pronounced LouISville or LouEville. I told him that it was pronounced LouEville but he said if it was pronounced that way, it would have been spelled that way. SO I bet him $5 that it was LouEville and walked up to the cashier and said:
"excuse me miss, but can you tell me what is the name of my current location?"
She looked at me and said real slowly: "BUR-GER-KING."
Me and my friend drive up to Kentucky and stop in a restaurant. We start arguing about whether the city we were in was pronounced LouISville or LouEville. I told him that it was pronounced LouEville but he said if it was pronounced that way, it would have been spelled that way. SO I bet him $5 that it was LouEville and walked up to the cashier and said:
"excuse me miss, but can you tell me what is the name of my current location?"
She looked at me and said real slowly: "BUR-GER-KING."
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thephule77
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Sat Aug 12, 2006 2:06 pm
- Location: Earth
1
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
THE DEBATE IS OVER...
JESUS SAVES!!!
PLAYER57832 wrote:Too many of those who claim they don't believe global warming are really "end-timer" Christians.
JESUS SAVES!!!
Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' "
"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
THE DEBATE IS OVER...
JESUS SAVES!!!
PLAYER57832 wrote:Too many of those who claim they don't believe global warming are really "end-timer" Christians.
JESUS SAVES!!!
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strike wolf
- Posts: 8345
- Joined: Fri May 19, 2006 11:03 pm
- Gender: Male
- Location: Sandy Springs, GA (just north of Atlanta)
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
THE DEBATE IS OVER...
JESUS SAVES!!!
PLAYER57832 wrote:Too many of those who claim they don't believe global warming are really "end-timer" Christians.
JESUS SAVES!!!