Conquer Club

A duck was about to cross the road when the chicken looked at him and said "don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!"

Wife asks her husband:
- Did you tell your boss that the two of us we can not live from that your little salary?
The husband replies:- Yes.
wife:- So, what did he say?
Husband:- To get a divorce ...

Sit two guys in the sky.
- "From what are you dead?"
- "From the winter!"
- "And you?"
- "Out of luck!"
- "How to - happiness ?!"
- "Behold, I come home, I find a woman in bed and immediately search the whole house: basement, attic, under the bed. I do not find anyone anywhere, and I die of happiness."
- "Oh, you idiot, if you look in the freezer, we would both be alive!"

Why does Piglet smell?


because he plays with Pooh!

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

Sol is lost in the desert and finds a lamp
One wish the genie says
peace in the Middle East Sol replies
The Genie explains he knows all about the religions, being a spiritual creature and there's plenty of common ground, but isnt familiar with where the ethnic group and political boundries are nowadays.
Sol draws a map in the sand ( probably thinking about it more than Balfour did.
The genie studies it for a long time from all angles and says he doesnt think it can be done; "ask something else"
Sol thinks a long time "Ethel's been the model of a good Jewish wife to me for 40 years always helpful, never complains, but just once I wish that she would pleasure me with her mouth, you know, oral sex.
The genie replies ....

Spoiler

Let's take another look at that map.

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant &
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn`t it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"

another physics particle joke ; this ones about the Weyl fermion .....

what do Roberto Duran

Spoiler

No Mas

a lapsed Catholic

Spoiler

No Mass

Nixons 1972 electoral college victory map

Spoiler

No Mass.

a Weyl fermion

Spoiler

No Mass

and getting laid in Alaska have in common?

Spoiler

Nome ass

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well go for it, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."

I had a computer mouse attack someone a few years ago. I think it was karma, because he and i werent gelling that well during our meeting at the house. He said some things that upset me. Im on the floor with my computer, and my mouse is to the left of me. Tight squeeze to get past me, the tv, and the mouse box(for the lack of a better word, it was propped up by an empty cardboard box, at a good height where my arm wouldnt be sore). He was leaving, and must have gotten under the mouse cord. I looked up to see why he was falling forward, and around his ankle the cord wrapped a full 2 times! around. I let out a 'heh' chuckle as he was heading out.

Double updated to here... anyone that didnt get 2 clues...let me know please

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

nietzsche.

Two newfies (Newfoundlanders for non-Canadians) walk into a building.

You'd think that after the first hit it, the second would have known better!

Knock, knock---
Who's there?
Control Freak

continued

OK, now you say "Control Freak who?"

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Going rabbit throw forest and see that all of animals running away, stoped the little mouse and asked him:
- Mouse, why all run away?
A mouse will it:
- The lion broke it while fleeing a lioness cheating all questionable.

What is something that even the most careful person overlooks?

Spoiler

Their nose

To celebrate the 100th anniversary of the first offensive use of tanks (the Battle of Flers–Courcelette): there were two classes of tank at that time, one equipped with a large cannon and one with machine guns, designated "male" and "female" respectively. Why were the latter, anti-infantry tanks designated "female"?

Spoiler

Because they were man-killers.

It's true.

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

Knock knock
Who's here?
Abdel
Abdel who?

Spoiler

Abdel ive I can fly,

Time for a video test. I found this amusing and would do this to my own cat:

Razorvich wrote:Double updated to here... anyone that didnt get 2 clues...let me know please

No 2 clues.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."