Conquer Club

StiffMittens wrote:KLOBBER nods dumbly and the priest throws himself from the plane leaving behind his enormous Bible (12 ft. tall X 9 ft. wide X 6 ft. thick) which is hand carved out of solid granite and decorated with tungsten and lead ornaments

KLOBBER wrote:During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and an atheist.

The Rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the Rabbi cried out, "I have faith in the one and only true God, the God of Abraham and of Moses, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the Rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. At that point, the Rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the Rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I have faith in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned the Priest beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward -- thump! creak! ...and again it stopped just short of its mark.

"Another miracle!" sighed the crowd. And the executioner for the second time had to agree and let the condemned go free.

Now it was the atheist's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the atheist didn't reply. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost in thought. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"It's no miracle, you superstitious morons!" the atheist said, pointing, "It's just an easy-to-fix blockage in the gear assembly between the basal platform and the anvil blade -- right there!"

Frigidus wrote:Went from chuckling quietly to cackling at this part.

KLOBBER wrote:

Frigidus wrote:Went from chuckling quietly to cackling at this part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YshwQNyY ... re=related

KLOBBER wrote:Dick Dawkins, atheist extraodinaire, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and clumsily bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he grabs the drunken fool and asks, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunken atheist guru, trembling and weeping like a little girl with a skinned knee, answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs Mr. Dawkins and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the lousy drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Dick the drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" Dicky-boy answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is beginning to get just a little impatient with the sniveling drunken bastard, so he dunks the atheist fool in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 90 seconds, and when he begins kicking his frail arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks Mr. Dawkins, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus yet?" The deluded fop wipes his eyes, spurts several pints of water, and catches his breath and whimpers, "No, I haven't found him! Are you quite sure this is where he fell in?"

jonesthecurl wrote:Did you read the jokes? Doesn't sound like it.

jonesthecurl wrote:what an attractive sneer.
Does a sneer have to be lopsided?

Frigidus wrote:

jonesthecurl wrote:what an attractive sneer.
Does a sneer have to be lopsided?

I think a symmetrical sneer would be more of a grimace.