Conquer Club

First Scot: what's the difference between Elvis Presley and derivative133?
Second Scot: I don't know.
First Scot: derivative 133 is definately dead!

I went to the doctors, I said to him 'Have got anything for wind?'
He gave me a kite.

Three engineers were arguing about God.

The first one, an electriacl engineer said: God was an electrical engineer, look at how electricity runs all of our organs.

The second one, a chemical engineer said: God was a chemical engineer, look at all of our horomones and fluids.

The third one, a civil engineer said: God was clearly a civil engineer, why else would he run a waste disposal pipeline right through such a great recreation area.

What's the hardest part about learning to rollerblade?

telling your parents you're gay.

What's the difference between a duck?














One of its legs is both the same.

jonesthecurl wrote:Did you hear about the gay knight who loved to read?
He kept turning over the pages.

But it was OK because the King was hard of hearing and he got a royal "pardon".

jonesthecurl wrote:Then there was the hospital porter who ended up in court for shagging a dead woman.
His defence was "the doctor said "a cadaver"!"

Good thing you redeemed yourself there....

Why is a sparrow the same as an elephant?


They've both got wings (except for the elephant).

Went in to a shoe shop the other day and asked for a pair of boot laces, the assistant said how long do you want them.
I said, I wanna keep 'em! ( true story )

I went in a pub with my brother once, and he ordered two pints.
When they arrived, he said to the barmaid "Do you think you could just squeeze a double scotch in each of these?"
"Yes" she said, doubtfully.
"Well, fill the buggers up with beer properly then!" he told her.

(also true story, though I suspect not original with bruv).

How can i be "offside?"
Everything is on some side!
If i'm not on one side, i'm on the other!

-Gordon Korman