WARNING: BAD JOKES ALERT!

[Mr_Adams]

Al Capone murder 33 people, but was arrested for tax evasion

[Chris7He]

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

[Chris7He]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[wrightfan123]

There was once a girl named Sue, and she had a little red ball. One time she went to her mom, who was in the shower. "Mom, can I take a shower with you?"

"Okay honey. But don't look to high or too low." Sue agreed and stepped in with her mom. She then bounced her ball. It bounced low, and rebounded high, where Sue caught it. "Mommy, what are those and that?"

Sue asked, pointing up and down. "Those are Mommy's headlights, and that is Mommy's garage."

A few days later, Sue went to her dad, who was in the shower. "Daddy, can I take a shower with you?"

"OKay honey. But don't look too low." Sue agreed amd stepped in with her dad. She then bounced her ball. It bounced low, and then she cuahgt it. "Daddy, what's that?" she asked, pointing low.

"That's Daddy's stretch limosine".

The next night, Sue crawled in with her parents in bed. She brought her little red ball with her. But she dropped it underneath the covers. She gasped. "Mommy, quick! Turn on your headlights! Daddy's trying to park his stretch limosine in your garage!"

-W123

[ignotus]

President of the Islamic Republic of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent a letter to President of USA George Bush. Bush opened the letter and founded this "code":370HSSV 0773H Bush sent this letter to NSA but they could not crack the code. Top experts of the CIA and FBI examined the letter but they could not crack the code either. Finally they sent the letter to British MI-6. After five minutes MI-6 replied: "Tell your president that he held the letter upside down."

[hecter]

What's the difference between falling off a ten story building and falling off a one story building?

When you fall off a ten story building, you go "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh *splat!*". When you fall off a one story building, you go "*splat!* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..."

[ignotus]

How come God is called God?


The name Chuck Norris was already taken.

[ignotus]

-Did you hear? Captain Hook died.

-How?


-He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.

[Mr_Adams]

why is the symbol of the Demacratic party a donkey














so that there canidate doesn't have to got threw the trouble of making an ass out of him(/her as it seems it might be soon) self!

[Shadowstar]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anubis.
Anubis who?
Anubis you.

Not too funny, but true nonetheless.

[MeDeFe]

More dead baby jokes!

[ignotus]

BAD JOKE ALERT!!!

- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast !

[Norse]

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who was invited to a Toga party?

He went dressed as a goat.

---------------------------------

Howabout the dyslexic man who worshipped devils?

He prayed to Santa.

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Speaking of dyslexics, they reckon that the "ipswich rapist" was a dyslexic father-christmas wannabe, who was confused by the message "leave the pressies under tree's"

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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Did you hear about the newlywed dyslexic couple who were tragically
killed on their honey moon?

They broke their necks trying to do a 96!

[DirtyDishSoap]

What do you get when you stick a baby in a blender?

Dont know bout you but i get an erection

[got tonkaed]

What do you get when you stick a baby in a blender?

Dont know bout you but i get an erection

scandelous.

[DaGip]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

[Napoleon Ier]

What do you get when you stick a baby in a blender?

Dont know bout you but i get an erection

scandalous.

[militant]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead

[firth4eva]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because DaGip made lots of threads about him on a world domination website telling people to vote him for American president.

[ignotus]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he voted for Hillary!

[Balsiefen]

not so much jokes but good quotes. (that i stole from another site but nvm)

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet


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<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

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<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

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* ab is away - gone, if anyone talks in the next 25 minutes as me it's bm
being an asshole -
<ab> HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS

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<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker

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Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

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LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
LordChewy> "i know dad"
LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "C:Documents and Settings /Ricky /My Documents /faxessent /faxes"
LordChewy> and he just shut up
kingKahn> what is it?
LordChewy> its his porn folder

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<blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
<FlipTopBx> is it modded?

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<tomfoolery> there's a small fire burning in my room
<beretta> lemme guess im supposed to act suprised that you're telling us and not making any attempt to extinguish it, so i can submit it to bash where it will join the ranks of the other "SOMETHING CATOSTROPHIC HAPPENED SO I CAME TO TELL YOU GUYS ON IRC FIRST INSTEAD OF ATTEMPTING TO DEFUSE THE HOSTILE SITUATION" quotes that are grossly abundant, similar, and overrated. and despite a new one is submitted each week and only the location of the fire is altered, loyal viewers firmly believe it is a unique and hilarious quotation, pledging support in the form of unneccesary votes

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<YuFFie> SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH
<YuFFie> WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER.
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.)
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #
<YuFFie> HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF

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<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!

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<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

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[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches english?
[01:35] (hilo21) f*ck you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my ass, but can't read the road signs to get to my house?

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<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

- -------------------------------------------------------

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.

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<Teh-Stromboli> Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

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<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
<Nori123> I have actually chortled coke through my nose

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<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest>
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

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<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

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<@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse
<@cky> dipshit

[ignotus]

Dad: Is it true that Internet makes you dumber?
Kid: WTF? ROFLMAO!

[Quinton]

A horse walks into a bar.

It died of a hernia.

[ignotus]

Hiroshima 45, Chernobil 86, Windows 98!

[browng-08]

How do uo get 5 babies in a bucket?
Use a blender.

How do you get 5 babies out of a bucket?
Nachos!