WARNING: BAD JOKES ALERT!

[The Weird One]

[riggable]

Whats the largest construction in history made out of grapes?

the grape wall of china!



heheeheheh this still makes me laugh.

[Mr_Adams]

what's the diffrence between an oral and a rectal thermometer?


The taste!!

when is it time to go to bed at Nevrland Ranch?


When the big hand touches the little hand!

[Napoleon Ier]

What is a common feature to Jackson and a Playstation?








They're plastic, and turned on by children.

[graeme89]

Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?


Yoko Ono

[got tonkaed]

two guys walked into a bar

and the third one ducked.

[Chris7He]

A guy walks into a bar and a kitty cat and an ostrich follow him. The man sits at the bar and the bartender hands them all beers. The three finish their drinks, but the kitty cat says he has no money. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change. The bartender asked him why the two animals follow him. He replies by saying that he found a magic lamp.
The bartender nods. "My first wish was to always have exact change."
The bartender agrees and says that was very useful. "My last two were for a chick with nice legs and a tight pussy."

[0ojakeo0]

Whats the largest construction in history made out of grapes?

the grape wall of china!



heheeheheh this still makes me laugh.

[graeme89]

A woman runs into a police station shouting " ive been graped ive been graped. The officer said " dont you mean raped "

She said " no there was a bunch of them "

[got tonkaed]

allow me to credit AD for reminding me of this one on accident.

Two psychologists were walking and one said, "i had the most interesting case of a Freudian slip yesterday"

the other said, "oh really, what pray tell occured?"

the first replied, "I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife and i had meant to say 'could you please pass the butter' but instead i actually said, 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life'".

[Snorri1234]

allow me to credit AD for reminding me of this one on accident.

Two psychologists were walking and one said, "i had the most interesting case of a Freudian slip yesterday"

the other said, "oh really, what pray tell occured?"

the first replied, "I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife and i had meant to say 'could you please pass the butter' but instead i actually said, 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life'".

Oh man that made me laugh like a maniac!

[Chris7He]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Syzygy]

One day a little boy is out with his mom shopping. Anyway, this little boy - we'll call him Johnny - goes and puts his hand up a mannequin's dress.

Mom is disgusted and scolds Johny, telling him that he must never put his hands up girl's dresses because they have teeth up there and will bite!

Anyway, Johnny believes this story tills he's about 16. At 16, he's getting lucky and making out with the local village bicycle. She starts guiding Johnny's hand to her groin region and Johnny immediately pulls back, saying that he's worried about her teeth.

She laughs hysterically, strips down completely, spreads her legs and says, "Look, there's no teeth here."

So... Johnny replies, "With gums like that, I'm not surprised."

[Chris7He]

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

[graeme89]

A man is in hospital after an accident, he wakes up with the doctor in front of him.
The doctor says we have some good news and some bad news.
The man says ok give me the bad news first.

Ok we cut off the wrong leg

OMG but whats the good news.



The other leg is getting better

[Mr_Adams]

A man walks into town looking for a horse. He finds a horse he likes and confronts the owner with a generous offer. The man pays for the horse and then the now ex-owner tells him "this horse grew up in a monestary where it was used by a monk as a cart horse. He will only go if you say "Praise the Lord!!" and only stop if you say "Amen"". So the man rides off with a glorious "Praise the Lord!!" As he's riding home he comes across a wash, and the bridge is out and says "WOW". The horse doesn't stop. He yells "Stop!!!" the horse still doesn't stop. In panic he remembers to say "Amen!" and yells "AMEN!" and the horse stops inches from the edge of a forty foot drop. With a sigh of relief the man leans forward towards the horses left ear and whispers "Praise the Lord!"

[Chris7He]

A man walks into town looking for a horse. He finds a horse he likes and confronts the owner with a generous offer. The man pays for the horse and then the now ex-owner tells him "this horse grew up in a monestary where it was used by a monk as a cart horse. He will only go if you say "Praise the Lord!!" and only stop if you say "Amen"". So the man rides off with a glorious "Praise the Lord!!" As he's riding home he comes across a wash, and the bridge is out and says "WOW". The horse doesn't stop. He yells "Stop!!!" the horse still doesn't stop. In panic he remembers to say "Amen!" and yells "AMEN!" and the horse stops inches from the edge of a forty foot drop. With a sigh of relief the man leans forward towards the horses left ear and whispers "Praise the Lord!"

I heard that except it was Hallujah!

[Chris7He]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Mr_Adams]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Oh wow, I never saw that coming!!!

[wrightfan123]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

OMFG! ROTFL!

What do you call an animal shaped like a tooth? A molar bear!

[Chris7He]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[edwinissweet]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Oh wow, I never saw that coming!!!

that was great

[Chris7He]

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

[Mr_Adams]

A man is driving down a country road at 45mph. He sees a chicken run past him and is intrigued by such a fast bird. He follows the chicken for 1/4 mile and the chicken runs into a farm yard. He walks up to the farmer and asks "did you see that chicken?" the farmer says "yes", and explains "My wife and I like chicken legs a lot, so I got this special chicken bread with 4 legs" The man is both astounded and curios, he asks "do they taste any different from normal chickens?" the farmer replies "I don't know, I've never been able to catch one."

[Chris7He]

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''