chuck norris more awsome then you and i can handle
Current mood: hopeful
>> Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
>> that his foot broke
>> the speed of light, went back in time, and killed
>> Amelia Earhart while
>> she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
>>
>> Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
>> people anyway.
>>
>> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
>> good looks and
>> unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>> transaction was
>> finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
>> face and took his
>> soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
>> stay mad and
>> admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play
>> poker every
>> second Wednesday of the month.
>>
>> Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
>> as a canned
>> beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>>
>> To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.
>> Chuck Norris
>> smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and
>> acquired 7 different
>> kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
>> flexing for 30
>> minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>>
>> After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
>> the atomic bomb on
>> Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
>> Norris. It was
>> more "humane".
>>
>> If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
>> can't see Chuck
>> Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
>>
>> Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people
>> dead.
>>
>> Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he
>> simply changes the
>> spelling.
>>
>> Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
>> to roundhouse every
>> popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and
>> **** on their floor,
>> just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>
>> Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever
>> that shows clips from
>> "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
>> it show clips of
>> Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>
>> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>
>> Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells
>> like you and I. His have
>> a small black ring around them. This signifies that
>> they are black belts in
>> every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick
>> the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never
>> gets ill.
>>
>> Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate
>> classes, just so he can
>> "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.
>>
>> One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
>> the fact that Hitler
>> did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>> tea-bagged to death by
>> Chuck Norris.
>>
>> Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
>> didn't give him exact
>> change.
>>
>> Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books
>> for children who just
>> bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
>> Chuck Norris calmly
>> says, "I'll give you something to cry about, " and
>> roundhouse kicks them in
>> the face.
>>
>> Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12
>> minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a
>> half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
>>
>> Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
>> a woodchuck could
>> chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
>> shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK
>> NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
>> girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
>> "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months
>> later he realized the irony of this statement and
>> laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
>> radius of the blast went deaf.
>>
>> In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck
>> Norris replaced Carlton for
>> one scene and nobody noticed.
>>
>> Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck
>> Norris roundhouse kicked
>> her into a glacier.
>>
>> Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie
>> Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she
>> agreed!
>>
>> 15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris
>> 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has
>> never cried.
>> 2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
>> "Charles".
>> Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him
>> until he
>> exploded.
>> 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child,
>> Chuck Norris instead
>> decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
>> Shortly thereafter
>> he grew a beard.
>> 4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
>> time to stop the
>> JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
>> bullets with his
>> beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of
>> sheer amazement.
>> 5. The original theme song to the Transformers was
>> actually "Chuck
>> Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot
>> in disguise, " and
>> starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended
>> the earth from
>> drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
>> pick-up. This was far
>> too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
>> divided.
>> 6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought
>> baby Jesus the gift
>> of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day.
>> The other Wisemen,
>> jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
>> combined
>> influence
>> to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
>> all three died of
>> roundhouse kick related deaths.
>> 7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
>> finger, by
>> yelling, "Bang!"
>> 8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family
>> does not die from
>> cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to
>> the face. He also
>> requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels,
>> and buffalo meat on
>> his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
>> 9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
>> pointing at her and
>> saying "booya".
>> 10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
>> Norris is
>> injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant
>> tranquilzer.
>> This is, of course, to limit his strength and
>> mobility, in an attempt
>> to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
>> 11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>> 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
>> Thanksgiving, Chuck
>> said, "Don't worry about it honey, " and went into his
>> backyard. He came
>> back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
>> whole, and when he
>> threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked
>> and came with
>> cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had
>> done it, he gave her
>> a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
>> question Chuck Norris."
>> 13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure
>> as hell take
>> yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's
>> impossible, I already lost my
>> virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>> 14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
>> and Order are
>> trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>> 15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after
>> they refused to
>> put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that
>> actually is "his"
>> way.
