This afternoon I was bored, her indoors was outside cutting the lawn, I needed to do something, I needed some stimulation.
I went outside, she cut the mowers engine and said "What you up to Joe?"
I replied, "I`m going out, make sure those lawns are cut properly, and make sure my food is on its plate at 5pm sharp. Steak, chips, onion rings and mushrooms"
She nodded and I went outside.
It was a hot day, the sun glinted off the windows of my Porsche, I thought I`d drive into Bethnal Green, I knew of a boxing match taking place there between 2 ex cons.
I arrived, parked up and went into the hall.
The fight was about to take place, the boxers were warming up.
In the red corner was a big brute with a huge head, he had a tattoo of a cobweb across his face. He was announced as "Tom the Terrier"
In the blue corner was a geezer of 6 foot 8, he had a neck like a tree trunk, and a scar running from his left eye all the way down to his jaw. He was announced as "Cockney Chris the Chomper"
I winked at the waitress circling, she brought me over 4 pints of beer, I lit up a Benson and sat down as the bell rung for the fight to start.
The fight was only 30 seconds old as Chris caught Tom with an uppercut, blood spurted from Toms mouth and he was out for the count.
Everyone now started booing, they wanted more entertainment than this, with desperation the MC climbed into the ring and shouted out on his microphone "Any volunteers? 2 men to fight, first prize £10 grand"
I wasn`t interested in the money, but I fancied a fight.
I stepped forward, climbed through the ropes into the ring and volunteered to the MC.
He shouted out "Ok we have 1 man here, who`s the other? come on, come forward"
A geezer stepped out from the shadows, he was big, nearly 7 foot tall, with a tattoo of a shark on his forehead.
He grunted to the MC "I`ll do it"
The MC gave him the nod and shouted to the audience "Ok Gents, in one minute we have a challenge match, these 2 heavyweights will fight for your pleasure. In the red corner will be Joe The Elegance Beevers from Hendon, in the blue corner will be Herbert Headcrusher Harris from Hackney.
Me and Harris stripped down to our boxer shorts, the bell rang and we squared up.
Harris wasn`t much of a fighter, he didn`t have a solid technique like me. He threw some punches, I dodged them easily, I`m very quick on my feet so he couldn`t land anything.
As he tried to throw a left hook, I dodged it and threw out a swift right jab, it landed on his nose and flattened it. Blood was pouring out all over the canvas. The referee stepped in but Harris waved him away, he wanted more punishment.
Harris was now trying to keep away from me, he was scared, he weaved into a corner and I trapped him there. I threw a punch to his kidneys, he moaned in pain, I followed it up with an uppercut to the jaw. Almost in slow motion his knees buckled as I knocked him out cold.
The referee counted to 10, but it was no good. He was unconcious.
The ref grabbed my right arm and raised it, the MC came on and said "The winner Gents, Joe the Elegance Beevers"
The crowd cheered, I bowed, went and got my business suit from the cornerboy and put it on.
I walked out the hall 5 minutes later with £10K in 50 quid notes in my pockets.
When I got in the house my food was ready, "Had a good afternoon Joe?" her indoors asked
"Yeah not bad, now get me a beer, I`m thirsty" I replied
After I`d finished I gave her £1K, "Get yourself a new dress, tonight we`re going out on the town, make sure its a red one too otherwise you`ll be for it" I told her.
As I was getting changed into another business suit I thought to myself, "I should be bored more often on a sunday"...
