Today I took her indoors out to the country.
We set off in my Porsche at 9am, it was sunny but it threatened rain so I ordered her to bring an umbrella.
She had packed a picnic, Lobster, Champagne, Strawberries, and Pork Pies.
The hamper was put on the back seat and we were ready to roll.
Heading out of London, I decided to stop in a quiet spot I knew very well, a spot where one of my Goons had buried a nonce I ordered sorting, the nonces name was Alan the Ape.
Alan was a 60 year old geezer with a penchant for hanging around public bogs, he`d been spying on me when I had to have a slash in the Gents off Clapham Common, he`d ignored my first warning so I had him done.
Anyway, I found a place to park, and we walked over near to Alans final resting place. I was hungry and thirsty and wanted a Pork Pie and a Pint of Champagne.
Her Indoors opened the hamper and I tucked in.
Just as I bit into the Pork Pie I heard a scream coming from the bushes about 40 yards from where I sat.
I told her indoors to stay there while I went and found what was happening.
I ran forward and opened the bush, inside it was a bloke of around 50, he was bottomless, wearing only a filthy t shirt and a bowler hat.
It was obvious he`d been spying on us, and the scream was where he cut himself on a thorn.
"Right pal, what the hell do you think you`re doing?" I snarled
He was dripping with sweat, his face was as white as a ghost, "Nothing Sir" he whimpered, "I was birdwatching, there`s a rare thrush in the tree near you, I was being quiet to watch it"
"Then why you got no trousers or underpants on?" I asked
"I-I-I-I-I lost them" he stuttered
"I don`t think so Pal, you`re coming with me"
I dragged him out of his hiding place, when her indoors saw him she let out a cry, "Shut it" I told her, "No more talking"
I got him next to the Porsche, undid the boot, and chucked him in
I could hear his cries and him banging against the boot lid
I told her indoors to get in, we were going for a drive down to the river nearby.
10 minutes later we arrived at the river, not a soul was about, perfect for me.
The river is 30 foot deep at that part, and the current is very strong, not even a professional swimmer could handle it.
I went to the boot of the Porsche, opened it up, grabbed the dirty geezer and dragged him out.
I got him to the edge of the river bank, "Any last requests pal?" I said
"I-I-I I`m sorry" he snivelled.
"Yeah, so am I pal" I said, as I pushed him in.
I watched him being dragged away down river, the last thing I saw was his bowler hat being dragged under.
I turned away and got in the car, "Right, thats that then, back to the picnic, I have a big pork pie to finish, and I need a pint of Champagne"
Her indoors was white with shock, but she didn`t say a word as I reversed the car out. She knows I`m the hardest man in all of London, and what Joe Beevers says goes...
