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my novel

Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 11, 2007 1:02 am

i saw another guy post a small chapter from a novel he was working on (having something to do with elves), so i might as well try and post up mines. it's still in progress, and so far i'm at 7 chapters at 20 or so pages. here's the prologue and first chapter:
Nishi Sentou Gakuin
West Combat Academy
By: Patrick Phan


Prologue
It is today- in a different world. There is no war, there is no peace. Four academies: respectively the North, West, East, and South combat academies are in a violent blood feud. Each year, the "meat grinder", mi-to assaiki, is held, in where select students from each of these academies do battle until one is dead or no longer able to fight. Everyone harnesses different powers- from brute strength to dark shadow magic- some are not even human. In this world inhabited by fighters, only four students will become the masters of their home academy, and will all fight in one last battle to see who is the real grand battle master.
Chapter 1
Double Murder
Fwip! Fwip! Fwip! Arrows rained down on the ground as John sprinted across an open field. He could easily run past the four hundred or so slowpokes around him, but if he pulled ahead he wouldn't have the advantage of having twenty human shields around him. He watched as a person ahead get hit with an arrow square in the forehead, knocking him out cold with a dull thud. He fell to the ground backwards as others trampled over him and tripped on him. John jumped over the downed man with ease and burst forward ahead of the others. He jumped onto a large stone platform floating on a shallow river. He jumped across the platforms as plumes of water shot up from the river by underwater explosions. The instructors had taken care to set them far away from the platforms, but John was showered with shrapnel as he stepped onto land and made it for a large wall studded with fake rocks. About a hundred had already been taken out by the fifteen archers guarding the open field. He climbed with ease over the wall and instead of climbing down the other side, he jumped off when he was on top. He felt something dull strike his chest and stomach when he landed flat on the ground facedown. He quickly got to his feet and climbed up a rope ladder, knocking down a person who was climbing up.
"HEY!" cried the man.
"What goes up must come down," John said as he climbed up the ladder. He got onto the monkey bars and slowly advanced from ring to ring. He was almost at the end and his hands were sore when something hard struck him in the small of his back. He turned his head around just in time to see an applicant he had pushed off the ladder trying to kick him off the monkey bars.
"What goes up must come down," he repeated while lashing out at John's legs. John remained calm and kicked out backwards, hitting the applicant in the crotch.
"AGH!" He let go of the bars, plummeted down, and was then caught by the net set up below. John jumped onto the opposite platform at the end of the monkey bars. He saw double doors ahead of him and opened it. It revealed a large room with the end obscured with black colored walls. This entire building was dedicated to being a maze. John wasn't in the mood for thinking, so he hung on to the top of one wall and hoisted himself up over wall. Fwip! John felt a sharp pain as an arrow struck him in the ribs. He wheezed out in pain and fell over to the side he had climbed from. Archers had been posted here also to make sure no one would take the "shortcut" through the maze. He attempted again and this time he got over. However, the two archers spotted him and arrows rained down on him. These archers were rapidly draining his patience.
"STOP IT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! I'M NOT-" An arrow struck him in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. He ducked and hid under a dead end. He was in no mood for anymore archers, so he closed his eyes and sighed an ancient spell.
"Largior upon thee an inflecto and calamus of ater navitas!" Instantly a maple wood longbow appeared in his hand. A quiver appeared on the side of John's hip. Two archers on the west and east walls of the buildings were standing in opera-style seats raised twenty or more feet above the ground. He took careful aim and was spotted by the archer on the west wall. Doing! The drawstring rebounded as the arrow flew into the air. Fwip! The archer ducked- just in time. The arrow hit the wall above him and bounced off. The archer reached for an arrow in his quiver and yelled to the archer on the east wall.
"Watch-" An arrow penetrated the right side of the west archer's head. He crumpled to the ground, dropping his longbow down to the floor below. John turned to face the east archer with lightning quick speed, and when he was just about to release the drawstring the east archer launched three arrows in quick succession, one of them striking John in the stomach and two of them in his chest. John fell over backward, feeling waves of pain lash out all throughout his body.
"SECURITY!" a voice came from above. A door behind John opened. John swung around just in time to see a burly man with a ski mask and black sweater with the yellow letters WCA stamped on it on take a crack at him with a baseball bat. John ducked as another goon in the same outfit came out, this one wielding brass knuckles. John swept his foot across the ground, knocking the goon with the bat off his feet. He made a grab for the baseball bat and swung at the goon with the brass knuckles, hitting him in the side with a crunch. He wheezed and fell to the ground. Just as the other one got up, John split his head open with the baseball bat. CRACK! Blood gushed out of the man's head and he fell to the ground, unmoving. The other one was attempting to get up with great difficulty. John got ready to take him out too when he heard another CRACK! This time it came from him. He slumped to the ground instantly, unconscious.
******************************
"He's lucky those arrows had no points. Otherwise he should be dead like the ones he killed today."
"Huh? What?" John spoke weakly. He opened his eyes and felt an intense throbbing pain in his head. He moaned and put his hand over the source of where it came from. He felt something fuzzy on the back of his head. He attempted to rip it off, but was stopped by the doctor standing at the left side of his hospital bed.
"Don't! Those are bandages."
"For what?"
"You had a concussion when one thug slammed you in the back of the head with a baseball bat. You're pretty lucky you can still talk."
"What did I do to deserve that?"
The doctor whispered something to the nurse beside him. The nurse quietly left the room. The doctor then took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.
"You...killed one archer assigned to guard a maze that was part of the exam and you also killed another security guard. It took three to bring you down. I'm pretty sure you'll be hanged for all that, but that's for the academy headmaster to decide."
Just then an old man walked in. He was wearing a red jacket with a black outline of a dragon emblazoned diagonally across the jacket. His entire head was covered thinly with graying hair. He looked of Japanese descent and walked in a very dignified and noble way. He was followed by an instructor wearing black sweat pants, a white, sweaty T-shirt, a whistle hanging from his neck, and a flat top hairstyle similar to those of high-ranked officers in the Army.
"Is this the one?" the old man in the red jacket asked.
"Yes, headmaster," replied the doctor.
"Now, son, tell me what you did," said the headmaster to John.
"I didn't do nothing!" John snapped.
"Tell the truth, maggot!" the instructor snapped back.
"You did something from what I heard," replied the headmaster calmly.
"Spit it out, meat!" barked the instructor.
"Meat? I see no meat here," John replied coolly.
"You'll be meat when I see you hanging from the gallows!" the instructor shot back.
"Now, now, Smith, you want to hang everything you see. This boy sounds promising," commented the headmaster.
"Promising as a what? Juvenile murderer?" the instructor countered.
"No. He's aggressive, impatient, a good archer, nimble, quick, and obviously strong enough to overpower two security guards. He has the fine mark of a future great warrior, assassin, or archer," the headmaster triumphed.
"Still, he murdered a licensed instructor and a security guard..," the instructor mumbled, defeated.
"Would you like to stay here and be trained in this fine academy?" the headmaster asked, facing John.
"Sure, I'm game. That's why I applied here," said John.
"Then it is so. No one will be hanged! It is final! This fine young man here is staying!"

if you like it (which i doubt), check out the whole thing at http://www.freewebs.com/mechwarrior6/nishisentougakuin.htm
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Postby Machiavelli on Sun Feb 11, 2007 1:11 am

It started good, but then I completely lost enthusiasm in the story after kid started talking. It shows some promise, but that dialogue needs to be redone.
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Postby s.xkitten on Sun Feb 11, 2007 1:34 am

alright...first of all, i read the whole thing (at least, everything that was on the link you gave)

its good, but there are a few things...first of all, develop the characters more...you may know exactly who they are, but we don't...take some time, develop them, (and as a bonus, it will make your story longer, if you want that)...second thing, i understand its a war type book, but is that amount of gore really needed? i mean honestly, what does anybody get out of it? a better image...cause personally, i don't really want to think about that right before i go to bed...

so all in all, its a good story, its got a good base, a nice plot, a good storyline...but the gore and the lack of development take away from it...

*hugs and kisses*
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 4:13 am

u need 2 work it slower, build it up with more discription of the ppl in it and suroundings. some chapters need 2 be slower with others the same fast pace as u set in the 1st 1.

ps the 1st chapter is too fased paced.

ps2 u may want 2 take out the obsenetys and it could be a book aimes at the 12-15 age group (well u could put some lesser obcinerties in but not the 1 u use in the 1st chapter)
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Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 11, 2007 5:09 am

thanks for the suggestion. i removed the swearing, and i also changed some of the descriptions of gore. the reason i set such a fast pace is because previous novels had failed because people complained there was no action.
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Postby Bogusbet on Sun Feb 11, 2007 5:26 am

Fwip! Fwip! Fwip! Fwipping wank.

Go work at burger flipping.
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 6:45 am

also, u may want 2 put in about 5 chapters b4 chapter "1" saying how ur main charicture got to the acadamy, mabey he got in trouble with the police and was sent there 4 "rehabilatiaion" or he could have been taken by the government or given away by his famaly under the interpritation that it is an honor 2 fight 4 an acadamy???

all ideas that i think may make it a better book!
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 6:51 am

im confused, when is this book set?
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Postby Anarkistsdream on Sun Feb 11, 2007 11:34 am

Do not use contractions unless it is a character speaking.

Do not use adjectives describing HOW the character said something in particular. We should know enough about the character to not have to have those adjectives...

Watch out for your comma usage. Add more descriptions in each sentence, and use fewer sentences. Add enough detail so I actually FEEL like I am there...

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Postby unriggable on Sun Feb 11, 2007 2:55 pm

spinwizard wrote:u need 2 work it slower, build it up with more discription of the ppl in it and suroundings. some chapters need 2 be slower with others the same fast pace as u set in the 1st 1.

ps the 1st chapter is too fased paced.

ps2 u may want 2 take out the obsenetys and it could be a book aimes at the 12-15 age group (well u could put some lesser obcinerties in but not the 1 u use in the 1st chapter)


Omg lol totaly agree lolz

Anyway, (don't get offended spinwizard) It was pretty good, but you have to use more description. Remeber in fifth grade, 'show, don't tell'?

You may want to redecide your words:

"Word History: The obscenity f*ck is a very old word and has been considered shocking from the first, though it is seen in print much more often now than in the past. Its first known occurrence, in code because of its unacceptability, is in a poem composed in a mixture of Latin and English sometime before 1500. The poem, which satirizes the Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England, takes its title, "Flen flyys," from the first words of its opening line, "Flen, flyys, and freris," that is, "fleas, flies, and friars." The line that contains f*ck reads "Non sunt in coeli, quia gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk." The Latin words "Non sunt in coeli, quia," mean "they [the friars] are not in heaven, since." The code "gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk" is easily broken by simply substituting the preceding letter in the alphabet, keeping in mind differences in the alphabet and in spelling between then and now: i was then used for both i and j; v was used for both u and v; and vv was used for w. This yields "fvccant [a fake Latin form] vvivys of heli." The whole thus reads in translation: "They are not in heaven because they f*ck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge]."
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Postby wcaclimbing on Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:31 pm

LOL.

WCA= west combat academy.
those are my initials.


could you make it more realistic? even if those arrows didnt have points, they could still probably kill a guy if hes hit with 4 of them,
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Postby pitbull 993 on Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:42 pm

I agree with Machy. I also think you should come up with a better name than John Smith since it is like the most common name ever. Or is the whole generic name with the military what u were shooting for? anyway, i think it is a good idea
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 4:06 pm

i say again when and where is it said?
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Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:46 pm

-BUMP-
to answer your questions,
-chapter 1 is supposed to be a sort of mystery. the reason he is there will be explained throughout the story.
-i think how the characters speak (with adverbs and all) reveal their personalities
-it takes place in the future, when guns have been banned because of their devastating abilities (see the First Apocalypse on said website)
-his name is not John Smith, it is Johnathan Wilkerson
-it is probably in asia or something..i'll work on that
-the arrows had no arrowheads at all (i know that even flat arrowheads can penetrate the skull)
-the reason i set such a fast pace is because previous novels had failed because readers complained there was no "action"
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:47 pm

thanks 4 clearing that up
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Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:48 pm

unriggable wrote:You may want to redecide your words:

"Word History: The obscenity f*ck is a very old word and has been considered shocking from the first, though it is seen in print much more often now than in the past. Its first known occurrence, in code because of its unacceptability, is in a poem composed in a mixture of Latin and English sometime before 1500. The poem, which satirizes the Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England, takes its title, "Flen flyys," from the first words of its opening line, "Flen, flyys, and freris," that is, "fleas, flies, and friars." The line that contains f*ck reads "Non sunt in coeli, quia gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk." The Latin words "Non sunt in coeli, quia," mean "they [the friars] are not in heaven, since." The code "gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk" is easily broken by simply substituting the preceding letter in the alphabet, keeping in mind differences in the alphabet and in spelling between then and now: i was then used for both i and j; v was used for both u and v; and vv was used for w. This yields "fvccant [a fake Latin form] vvivys of heli." The whole thus reads in translation: "They are not in heaven because they f*ck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge]."

i see. i removed all the swearing, now they go as far as "SOB"
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:50 pm

will cd's still b around then...u could describe the cd sized object as the size of 1 of those antique cd's???
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Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:52 pm

compact discs.
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Postby spinwizard on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:52 pm

kk
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Postby Hitman079 on Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:53 pm

*sob*
regular people don't like this novel,
but people who like anime like naruto do :(
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Postby Hitman079 on Thu Feb 22, 2007 12:03 am

-BUMP-
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Postby Ronaldinho on Thu Feb 22, 2007 12:15 am

Hitman079 wrote:-BUMP-



Let it die... :twisted:
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Postby Hitman079 on Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:06 pm

-BUMP-
i'll probably have to bump this thing daily to get it off the ground.
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Postby Hitman079 on Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:42 pm

i'll just let this topic die.
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Postby s.xkitten on Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:49 pm

as you post on it... :roll:
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