A symposium on heaven

[Neoteny]

So, I've decided that heaven really doesn't have anything to offer me. Seriously, all of the various heavens that I've seen proposed have the same things in common; namely, an extension of worldly vices and yearnings all the while "basking in god's love," whatever the hell that means. I'll conclude my introduction with a joke: what's better than basking in divine glory for all eternity? 72 dead babies. ::rimshot::

Some people I've talked to had the gall to mention carnal pleasures as one of heaven's rewards. First of all, is that really the best god can come up with? That definitely sounds like a bunch of conniving, dirty old men trying to boost recruitment. And people actually take Islam as seriously as the other "great" faiths (I, of course, am one of them, but not in the same respect). Secondly, when I think of heaven, I don''t want constant sexual interaction (and I wonder where those virgins come from... if you think about it, most virgins that would be entering heaven are prepubescent children [even embryos] who die young, hence my off-color joke), I want the same experiences that truly brighten my life now. Maybe read my favorite book again, but for the first time. Ask my girlfriend out again. Continue my yeast studies. These are the moments I live for, why are they not worth dying for? 72 virgins. How shallow. And I don't even like raisins. And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

Conversely, heaven might be described as "being one with god," or some such nonsense. How boring. Are we going to sit around with Jesus and his mom and dad smoking blunts and singing "Koombaya?" Can you imagine how much IzMan would flip the f*ck out? "Heaven is Hippies! It's Hippieeeeeeeeeeees!" "Being one with god" is merely another way of saying "you aren't really going to die." I suppose that if it's like that Robin Williams movie that I can never remember ("What Dreams May Come" perhaps?), that would be an improvement, but that seems like a bit of a stretch with so many possible conflicting perspectives as to be impossible to really pull off. Plus, none of that is mentioned in the Bible, which is merely a reflection of ancient, scared men.

So these are my thoughts on heaven. It has nothing to offer, so all that's left is hell, which is a pathetic piece of work in it's own right that I won't get into at the moment.

Any thoughts? Was that not the mother of all dead baby jokes?

[radiojake]

don't bother, neoteny - people need their fairytales

[InkL0sed]

I just don't fancy the idea of burning. Especially for eternity. Eternity is such a scary word, ya know? Like, it goes on for a real long time, and just when you're thinking you've had enough, that it should be ending soon, you're like "Oh yeah! It's eternity!" So you resign yourself to more screaming and pain, and you get used to it for a while. Except eventually you wake up again, and you're like "Oh shit, this hurts, I want OUT of this hellhole." So you scream and you rage and you cry from your (magnificently un-charred) eyeballs, but nothing happens. And eventually you resign yourself to eternity again. And again. And again. And again.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

AHHHH!!!!

Yes, I think I'll go with heaven.

[fireedud]

This reminds of a funny bit about George Carlin, it went something like this:

"God has 10 rules and if you break any one of them he sends you off to the depths of hell, where you will be tortured forever, but he loves you"


He went into more detail and the way he said it was funny.

[gdeangel]

If you've ever seen the original Bedazzled (I doubt this make it to the remake), there is a part in the beginning where the devil and Dudley Moore are talking about what heaven was like before he was expelled. The devil sits on a warf piling, and says, "I'll be got, and you be me. I sit here, and you dance around and tell me how great I am." So Dudley more starts in with a routine of prancing around the piling, saying "you are so great, you are so wonderful... you are the greatest", and in a bit the devil days... "So how do you like it", to which Dudley Moore says, "Well, can we trade places". And the devils says, "That just what I said, but he'd have none of it, so he threw me out."

Of course, the irony is that even so the whole movie is about trying to win the contest with God so that he can get his place back at God's right hand.

So I guess it's probably best to say that Heaven is just a place where you partake of God's presence, and God, being so extraordinary - yes even more extraordinary than full on roman orgy on crack in the hood of your Ferrari while eating your favorite flavor of ice cream while making it to Brigadier on conquer club and watching your children rule the world... where was I... oh, yeah... so would be as if you had head trauma from and IED, and lost a leg to boot, went on about your business, and then suddenly just by being in the presence of something, you were able to think straight again and do the things you used to do before being blown up.

That's the gist of heaven. If you go around in life thinking sex and "carnal" pleasure will make you whole, well, then I guess those are probably things that God's presence can't serve up, and you probably wouldn't get all that much out of it... so no need taking up a seat in the auditorium friend.

[Juan_Bottom]

HOLY CRAP!!!!! GDEANGEL!!!! I thought of that same scene when reading NEOTENY'S post! Must be something subliminal.......


It was a nice "symposium."

[Snorri1234]

If you've ever seen the original Bedazzled (I doubt this make it to the remake), there is a part in the beginning where the devil and Dudley Moore are talking about what heaven was like before he was expelled. The devil sits on a warf piling, and says, "I'll be got, and you be me. I sit here, and you dance around and tell me how great I am." So Dudley more starts in with a routine of prancing around the piling, saying "you are so great, you are so wonderful... you are the greatest", and in a bit the devil days... "So how do you like it", to which Dudley Moore says, "Well, can we trade places". And the devils says, "That just what I said, but he'd have none of it, so he threw me out."

I love that scene.

[Snorri1234]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

[Juan_Bottom]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I like to imagine it as more of a "sample platter." Just 72 regular girls, from anywhere. But if thats the case you're only going to ever want to hang out with, or even screw, a few of them.

[MeDeFe]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I like to imagine it as more of a "sample platter." Just 72 regular girls, from anywhere. But if thats the case you're only going to ever want to hang out with, or even screw, a few of them.

btw, is it certain the virgins are all female?

[Snorri1234]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I like to imagine it as more of a "sample platter." Just 72 regular girls, from anywhere. But if thats the case you're only going to ever want to hang out with, or even screw, a few of them.

Yeah but if they're all the same I wouldn't like it either. Having sex with a bunch of submissive, blonde, gorgeous girls probably gets boring after a while too.

[Snorri1234]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I like to imagine it as more of a "sample platter." Just 72 regular girls, from anywhere. But if thats the case you're only going to ever want to hang out with, or even screw, a few of them.

btw, is it certain the virgins are all female?

Good point.

Imagine you die, and you're let into the pearly gates by what you think is drums and orchestra and it turns out it are a bunch of arabs who are jerking off?

[Juan_Bottom]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I like to imagine it as more of a "sample platter." Just 72 regular girls, from anywhere. But if thats the case you're only going to ever want to hang out with, or even screw, a few of them.

btw, is it certain the virgins are all female?

Good point.

Imagine you die, and you're let into the pearly gates by what you think is drums and orchestra and it turns out it are a bunch of arabs who are jerking off?

Hey, you're the one who said eternity with the same thing would get boring.

[Neoteny]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I think my favorite part is the look of confusion afterward. That's usually when I leave.

[Juan_Bottom]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I think my favorite part is the look of confusion afterward. That's usually when I leave.

Your look or theirs?

[Neoteny]

And, really, after a couple weeks (days, perhaps, for some of us) your 72 virgins are just 72 sluts, and then what do you do?

No the fun thing is that they will stay virgins forever. Can you imagine? Every time you have sex it's "no, not that hard." "that hurt's!" "ouch, ouch". Or maybe they're a bunch of old, mustachioed women with horned hymens? You can't really tell.

I think my favorite part is the look of confusion afterward. That's usually when I leave.

Your look or theirs?

Theirs, of course. Because they still don't understand what "wingman" entails...

[Juan_Bottom]

[joecoolfrog]

Im warning you, Heaven will be full of tedious old tossers banging on about end days and worrying about their next life. You really think God would spend his time with those miserable old sods when all he has to do is throw on an imp costume and pop downstairs for fun and frolics with the lads.