Any other Valedectorians on CC?

[Dancing Mustard]

Basically, your speech lacks visceral impact.

Here is what I recommend: keep your speech as it is, don't edit it in the slightest.
The thing you need to change is the delivery. What you need is some kind of visual aid to keep the audience's attention, it's an aspect of presentation which even some of the most experienced public speakers miss. Now, to add the kind of impact to your presentation that is required for a valedictorian address, you're going to need several dozen brightly coloured handkerchiefs.
Here's how the technique works: Before you perform your speech, get all of the handkerchiefs and tie them together to make as long a rope as you can, attempt to alternate the colours as much as is possible but don't let a pattern emerge. Wedge one end of the rope to the fly of your trousers, then attatch the other end of the rope to your penis, tuck the rest of the lengths into your trousers and let them hang loosely down one of your legs.
About thirty seconds into your speech (when your audience will be starting to get bored), unzip your fly and begin to casually unfurl the handkerchiefs from your trousers, starting with the end that you had wedged into your fly. It's vitally important that you do this motion calmly and without wavering from your speech, the whole point is to make it look like a completely absent minded gesture that you'd do anywhere, even at the Pope's Christening. The trick you're attempting to pull off is to reach the end of the rope just as you finish your speech, so tease the lengths out slowly and take your time with the whole motion. If you time it just right then you'll manage to get your dong to flop out of your trousers just as the audience is rising to its feet to cheer your final word.
Then, to finish the address on a high-note, you should sprint up to the nearest grandmother (probably standing in the front row of the audience) and start slapping her with your wanger. If you really want to get the full effect out of this gesture (and some academics argue that this step is a little more than is strictly required) then you should shout/hysterically-scream "How do you fucking like that bitch? Wait till you see what I'm going to do to your grandaughter, you dirty fucking slut. I'll rip her motherfucking heart out and f*ck her till she screams!"

Trust me, the whole thing will go down a storm, you'll have the audience hanging on your every word and your speech will be easily the most memorable thing that'll happen all day.

Good luck with it!

[InkL0sed]

Basically, your speech lacks visceral impact.

Here is what I recommend: keep your speech as it is, don't edit it in the slightest.
The thing you need to change is the delivery. What you need is some kind of visual aid to keep the audience's attention, it's an aspect of presentation which even some of the most experienced public speakers miss. Now, to add the kind of impact to your presentation that is required for a valedictorian address, you're going to need several dozen brightly coloured handkerchiefs.
Here's how the technique works: Before you perform your speech, get all of the handkerchiefs and tie them together to make as long a rope as you can, attempt to alternate the colours as much as is possible but don't let a pattern emerge. Wedge one end of the rope to the fly of your trousers, then attatch the other end of the rope to your penis, tuck the rest of the lengths into your trousers and let them hang loosely down one of your legs.
About thirty seconds into your speech (when your audience will be starting to get bored), unzip your fly and begin to casually unfurl the handkerchiefs from your trousers, starting with the end that you had wedged into your fly. It's vitally important that you do this motion calmly and without wavering from your speech, the whole point is to make it look like a completely absent minded gesture that you'd do anywhere, even at the Pope's Christening. The trick you're attempting to pull off is to reach the end of the rope just as you finish your speech, so tease the lengths out slowly and take your time with the whole motion. If you time it just right then you'll manage to get your dong to flop out of your trousers just as the audience is rising to its feet to cheer your final word.
Then, to finish the address on a high-note, you should sprint up to the nearest grandmother (probably standing in the front row of the audience) and start slapping her with your wanger. If you really want to get the full effect out of this gesture (and some academics argue that this step is a little more than is strictly required) then you should shout/hysterically-scream "How do you fucking like that bitch? Wait till you see what I'm going to do to your grandaughter, you dirty fucking slut. I'll rip her motherfucking heart out and f*ck her till she screams!"

Trust me, the whole thing will go down a storm, you'll have the audience hanging on your every word and your speech will be easily the most memorable thing that'll happen all day.

Good luck with it!

Your writing lacks impact -- it's all about the formatting.

The wall of text is imposing... moar Mudkips -- I mean, line breaks, please!

[Dancing Mustard]

Your writing lacks impact -- it's all about the formatting.

The wall of text is imposing... moar Mudkips -- I mean, line breaks, please!

*Facepalm*

Fine, for those who aren't used to reading advanced diatribes in public speaking, allow me to present a more 'easy-on-the-eye' edition:


Here is what I recommend: keep your speech as it is, don't edit it in the slightest.
The thing you need to change is the delivery. What you need is some kind of visual aid to keep the audience's attention, it's an aspect of presentation which even some of the most experienced public speakers miss. Now, to add the kind of impact to your presentation that is required for a valedictorian address, you're going to need several dozen brightly coloured handkerchiefs.

Here's how the technique works: Before you perform your speech, get all of the handkerchiefs and tie them together to make as long a rope as you can, attempt to alternate the colours as much as is possible but don't let a pattern emerge. Wedge one end of the rope to the fly of your trousers, then attatch the other end of the rope to your penis, tuck the rest of the lengths into your trousers and let them hang loosely down one of your legs.

About thirty seconds into your speech (when your audience will be starting to get bored), unzip your fly and begin to casually unfurl the handkerchiefs from your trousers, starting with the end that you had wedged into your fly. It's vitally important that you do this motion calmly and without wavering from your speech, the whole point is to make it look like a completely absent minded gesture that you'd do anywhere, even at the Pope's Christening. The trick you're attempting to pull off is to reach the end of the rope just as you finish your speech, so tease the lengths out slowly and take your time with the whole motion. If you time it just right then you'll manage to get your dong to flop out of your trousers just as the audience is rising to its feet to cheer your final word.

Then, to finish the address on a high-note, you should sprint up to the nearest grandmother (probably standing in the front row of the audience) and start slapping her with your wanger. If you really want to get the full effect out of this gesture (and some academics argue that this step is a little more than is strictly required) then you should shout/hysterically-scream "How do you fucking like that bitch? Wait till you see what I'm going to do to your grandaughter, you dirty fucking slut. I'll rip her motherfucking heart out and f*ck her till she screams!"

Trust me, the whole thing will go down a storm, you'll have the audience hanging on your every word and your speech will be easily the most memorable thing that'll happen all day.

Good luck with it!

[jonesthecurl]

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! my principal said it needs to have a complete revision.

Probably translates as: "You haven't given enough attention to me/thing I like/ people I like".

Include something along the lines of "I will always remember those lovely walks in the grounds/ hours in the beautiful and well-stocked library/ the way that x inspired me to do y/ the day the principal reluctantly let the gym teacher pursue other employment/ those wonderful speeches the principal gave on Earth Day/ how we all had a crush on the principal/ z's untiring fundraising for the new swimming pool, and our dissappointment when z absconded with the funds (delete as appropriate).

OK so I put it facetiously, but the truth is you can never suck up too hard, especially if you can make those in power believe you.

[Snorri1234]

Basically, your speech lacks visceral impact.

Here is what I recommend: keep your speech as it is, don't edit it in the slightest.
The thing you need to change is the delivery. What you need is some kind of visual aid to keep the audience's attention, it's an aspect of presentation which even some of the most experienced public speakers miss. Now, to add the kind of impact to your presentation that is required for a valedictorian address, you're going to need several dozen brightly coloured handkerchiefs.
Here's how the technique works: Before you perform your speech, get all of the handkerchiefs and tie them together to make as long a rope as you can, attempt to alternate the colours as much as is possible but don't let a pattern emerge. Wedge one end of the rope to the fly of your trousers, then attatch the other end of the rope to your penis, tuck the rest of the lengths into your trousers and let them hang loosely down one of your legs.
About thirty seconds into your speech (when your audience will be starting to get bored), unzip your fly and begin to casually unfurl the handkerchiefs from your trousers, starting with the end that you had wedged into your fly. It's vitally important that you do this motion calmly and without wavering from your speech, the whole point is to make it look like a completely absent minded gesture that you'd do anywhere, even at the Pope's Christening. The trick you're attempting to pull off is to reach the end of the rope just as you finish your speech, so tease the lengths out slowly and take your time with the whole motion. If you time it just right then you'll manage to get your dong to flop out of your trousers just as the audience is rising to its feet to cheer your final word.
Then, to finish the address on a high-note, you should sprint up to the nearest grandmother (probably standing in the front row of the audience) and start slapping her with your wanger. If you really want to get the full effect out of this gesture (and some academics argue that this step is a little more than is strictly required) then you should shout/hysterically-scream "How do you fucking like that bitch? Wait till you see what I'm going to do to your grandaughter, you dirty fucking slut. I'll rip her motherfucking heart out and f*ck her till she screams!"

Trust me, the whole thing will go down a storm, you'll have the audience hanging on your every word and your speech will be easily the most memorable thing that'll happen all day.

Good luck with it!

oh man, I can't stop laughing.

[fireedud]

Your writing lacks impact -- it's all about the formatting.

The wall of text is imposing... moar Mudkips -- I mean, line breaks, please!

*Facepalm*

Fine, for those who aren't used to reading advanced diatribes in public speaking, allow me to present a more 'easy-on-the-eye' edition:


Here is what I recommend: keep your speech as it is, don't edit it in the slightest.
The thing you need to change is the delivery. What you need is some kind of visual aid to keep the audience's attention, it's an aspect of presentation which even some of the most experienced public speakers miss. Now, to add the kind of impact to your presentation that is required for a valedictorian address, you're going to need several dozen brightly coloured handkerchiefs.

Here's how the technique works: Before you perform your speech, get all of the handkerchiefs and tie them together to make as long a rope as you can, attempt to alternate the colours as much as is possible but don't let a pattern emerge. Wedge one end of the rope to the fly of your trousers, then attatch the other end of the rope to your penis, tuck the rest of the lengths into your trousers and let them hang loosely down one of your legs.

About thirty seconds into your speech (when your audience will be starting to get bored), unzip your fly and begin to casually unfurl the handkerchiefs from your trousers, starting with the end that you had wedged into your fly. It's vitally important that you do this motion calmly and without wavering from your speech, the whole point is to make it look like a completely absent minded gesture that you'd do anywhere, even at the Pope's Christening. The trick you're attempting to pull off is to reach the end of the rope just as you finish your speech, so tease the lengths out slowly and take your time with the whole motion. If you time it just right then you'll manage to get your dong to flop out of your trousers just as the audience is rising to its feet to cheer your final word.

Then, to finish the address on a high-note, you should sprint up to the nearest grandmother (probably standing in the front row of the audience) and start slapping her with your wanger. If you really want to get the full effect out of this gesture (and some academics argue that this step is a little more than is strictly required) then you should shout/hysterically-scream "How do you fucking like that bitch? Wait till you see what I'm going to do to your grandaughter, you dirty fucking slut. I'll rip her motherfucking heart out and f*ck her till she screams!"

Trust me, the whole thing will go down a storm, you'll have the audience hanging on your every word and your speech will be easily the most memorable thing that'll happen all day.

Good luck with it!

...I think I might get expelled from my high school before the first day.

[fireedud]

well, revised they want it, revised they get:




























Yeah I'm too lazy to type this thing out, one more day so I can e-mail it to myself and copy, then ctrlv

[fireedud]

Good evening Sr. *, Sr. *, teachers, faculty, staff, parents, family, friends, fellow graduates, and everyone else.
To my fellow graduates, well, we finally made it. All of those ten years at * all lead up to this. All those projects, tests, midterms, and finals, all those field trips and retreats all prepared us for this day. We have always waited for this moment; each and every one of us has always said that we can’t wait to leave *. Now look at us, we are all crying, sad to leave. I guess Scout was right, we don’t seem to realize how much we like something, until it is about to be taken away from us. I remember walking into school for the first day, and now it’s our last; looking back, it feels like everything passed in the blink of an eye.
It really is amazing what we have done in our time here at *, during our ten years. We have went on several field trips, gotten elected into Student Council, have performed in 4 plays, [more achievements, probably in basketball and track, maybe fundraisers]. And if you think of it, we really have only started after fifth grade, meaning we have achieved ALL this in only 4 years.
If you realize how much we’ve actually done in this small time, I cannot wait to see what will happen in the next four years of our lives. Whether we are just going right next door, or miles away in the city, I see amazing futures awaiting each and every one of us.
And parents, please, please allow your kids to join clubs and try new things. It’s how we have grown, and it is the best way for us to grow into the mature, responsible adults you want us to be. So hat if you think your star athlete won’t make it in chess club, maybe he’ll become a grandmaster of chess, or what if your math whiz wants to be in a theatre production, you might want her to be a mathematician, but maybe she’ll grow up to be a famous actress. So please, parents don’t stop us from growing; you’ll be doing a disservice to this school and all the wonderful values and morals they have instilled into us.
And so, on a final note, I would like to thank Sr. *, Sr.*, and every teacher, who have helped us to be who we are today. I want to thank all the families and friends who have supported us all the way through. I, personally, want to thank my mom, and my grandparents, who have raised me up to where I am. And congratulations, again, to all the Villa graduates of 0’8.

I gave this to my teacher today; I still have to revise it.

[Minister Masket]

What's this? "Villa graduates"?

I smell a clue! To the Inter-web!

[Dancing Mustard]

Good evening Sr. *, Sr. *, teachers, faculty, staff, parents, family, friends, fellow graduates, and everyone else.
To my fellow graduates, well, we finally made it. All of those ten years at * all lead up to this. All those projects, tests, midterms, and finals, all those field trips and retreats all prepared us for this day. We have always waited for this moment; each and every one of us has always said that we can’t wait to leave *. Now look at us, we are all crying, sad to leave. I guess Scout was right, we don’t seem to realize how much we like something, until it is about to be taken away from us. I remember walking into school for the first day, and now it’s our last; looking back, it feels like everything passed in the blink of an eye.
It really is amazing what we have done in our time here at *, during our ten years. We have went on several field trips, gotten elected into Student Council, have performed in 4 plays, [more achievements, probably in basketball and track, maybe fundraisers]. And if you think of it, we really have only started after fifth grade, meaning we have achieved ALL this in only 4 years.
If you realize how much we’ve actually done in this small time, I cannot wait to see what will happen in the next four years of our lives. Whether we are just going right next door, or miles away in the city, I see amazing futures awaiting each and every one of us.
And parents, please, please allow your kids to join clubs and try new things. It’s how we have grown, and it is the best way for us to grow into the mature, responsible adults you want us to be. So hat if you think your star athlete won’t make it in chess club, maybe he’ll become a grandmaster of chess, or what if your math whiz wants to be in a theatre production, you might want her to be a mathematician, but maybe she’ll grow up to be a famous actress. So please, parents don’t stop us from growing; you’ll be doing a disservice to this school and all the wonderful values and morals they have instilled into us.
And so, on a final note, I would like to thank Sr. *, Sr.*, and every teacher, who have helped us to be who we are today. I want to thank all the families and friends who have supported us all the way through. I, personally, want to thank my mom, and my grandparents, who have raised me up to where I am. And congratulations, again, to all the Villa graduates of 0’8.

The only way that will ever be even half tolerable, is by using the handkerchief method.

For real.