Conquer Club

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I hope you aren't going through or about to go through one, brooksieb....if so, I'm sorry.

I polled in "no", but one of my 20-something colleagues is going through one and it is such a royal clusterf*ck. DH cheated on her while she was putting him through med school. He wants a divorce and, in fact, is engaged to the hussy he's been boinking (didn't tell DW until she snooped it out by hacking his email). However he has zero assets (having just finished school) while DW has a nice size income and a few accumulated assets. However DW is so pissed about the whole thing she wants to recover some of the money she spent putting him through school. I keep telling her she is rolling the dice with her own assets, and sure enough he came back with a demand for alimony. She spends her free now time hacking into his email to rebook his airline tickets so he ends up in the back of the plane next to the toilet, and scanning e-Bay to make sure he's not selling any of their marital assets (which apparently consist of star wars collectibles )

Just wanted to share a funny story. But seriously, once you know it's time to walk away, best way to look at it is like a game here where you get the unwinnable drop. Chalk up the loss, get it behind you, and move on to the next game. Don't be like my friend above... who will probably end up shooting DH if he actually wins alimony from her (I'm not making it up... the other day she went out with her girlfriends... to the gun club!!!! )

I am not, but my husband was.

It causes everyone involved pain. And there is not anything funny about it.

Your friends are both doing themselves far more harm than the other party.

The best revenge? Go on with your life and BE HAPPY!

and, if anyone is thinking of getting married ... get a credit report (in the US), date them more than a few months before you get engaged. Babysit a few kids with them. (preferably NOT the "extremely well behaved" sort). Talk! And look at the reality. If he wants to spend "too much time with the boys/she with the girls" ... it is unlikely to change. They won't suddenly change how they view money or suddenly become neater or change in any other big way. You get what you get ... with few changes.

Those changes that do happen are largely to do with kids and other BIG changes (tragedies, winning the lottery, etc.).

Compliments work much better than nagging.

No fortunately not but i would be shattered if that ever happened

married 15 years at the end of this month.

Im too young .

I married a lesbian and she didn't want to share...

And then she got the house, the car, the dog, and the kids, meanwhile I was panhandling in the street trying to pay off all the credit cards she maxed out on me!

Then when the divorce was final, my lawyer gave me the bill:

$666.00

Ha Ha! Funny lawyer joke I assume...

DaGip wrote:I married a lesbian and she didn't want to share...

And then she got the house, the car, the dog, and the kids, meanwhile I was panhandling in the street trying to pay off all the credit cards she maxed out on me!

Then when the divorce was final, my lawyer gave me the bill:

$666.00

Ha Ha! Funny lawyer joke I assume...

That or the government is catching on to your nay saying.

DaGip wrote:I married a lesbian and she didn't want to share...

And then she got the house, the car, the dog, and the kids, meanwhile I was panhandling in the street trying to pay off all the credit cards she maxed out on me!

Then when the divorce was final, my lawyer gave me the bill:

$666.00

Ha Ha! Funny lawyer joke I assume...

Sounds like US law ...

And the kicker? You pay child support (which you should, of course!!!), but she does not have to count it as "income" in most cases. So, she can get free child care, have her kids on state medical assistance, sometimes even foo stamps .... AND if she gets married -- even to a billionare, the step parent, in most states is not legally financially responsible for your kids, so she can STILL get all those things ... even if she is driving 2 BMW's, traveling to Europe, etc.

You, on the other hand, cannot "count" your kids (in most cases .... sometimes you do get a tax deduction, but not usually), nor can you deduct child support. So, if you want any other kids ... better be sure your new wife can support them!

Been married for about four years, and have been with my wife for 8 years total. My sister-in-law has been divorced and she's getting married again in August.. and she's only like 24 or 25.

No divorce--9th anniversary on the 31st of July.

A few fine examples of how the US law is screwed up. On the other hand, its much more screwed up to put an innocent person to death, or even, dare I say, letting murders and rapists go free, excluding conclusive DNA evidence, etc. etc.

This type of thing happens all the time.

We have a court system that is about as good as the old court of chancery as depicted in Dicken's Bleak House. Massive reform is needed, but the "mobile, e-society" only makes it more and more of a money game.

If you paid your lawyer $600, you got what you paid for. The mechanic down the street is charging $50-80/hr, so how much time do you think that lawyer gave to the case that was probably one of the most major disputes you'll ever have in your life?

But, of course, it's not fair to have to buy your way out of marriage on fair terms, something that it costs a pittance to get into. The only think that works in our legal system is settlement. When one side has nothing to lose, that's a tough setup ... makes it very hard to bring that person in line with what is reasonable. And in divorce, most people do not feel particularly reasonable.

So another question: if you could get divorced without (1) the social stigma, (2) the legal uncertainties of unfair outcome, and (3) assuming, of course, that you have no particular plans that would require a divorce... your just ready to move on... then how many people WOULD get a divorce who actually have instead just stayed in a dysfunctional, or even merely banal, marriage?

gdeangel wrote:If you paid your lawyer $600, you got what you paid for. The mechanic down the street is charging $50-80/hr, so how much time do you think that lawyer gave to the case that was probably one of the most major disputes you'll ever have in your life?

So explain why childcare workers and teachers get paid so little.

gdeangel wrote:But, of course, it's not fair to have to buy your way out of marriage on fair terms, something that it costs a pittance to get into. The only think that works in our legal system is settlement. When one side has nothing to lose, that's a tough setup ... makes it very hard to bring that person in line with what is reasonable. And in divorce, most people do not feel particularly reasonable.

Neither marriage nor divorce are really about money (even when they "are"), unless you count people who stay together because they cannot afford a divorce. Money is just a weapon.

gdeangel wrote:So another question: if you could get divorced without (1) the social stigma, (2) the legal uncertainties of unfair outcome, and (3) assuming, of course, that you have no particular plans that would require a divorce... your just ready to move on... then how many people WOULD get a divorce who actually have instead just stayed in a dysfunctional, or even merely banal, marriage?

You are missing a GREAT deal in your questions .... and I would hazard you are not married?

Marriage is as much about an emotional bond as anything else. Society no longer stigmatizes marriage. Even the Roman Catholic Church has loosened its strictures on annulments (their form of divorce).

Also, you completely left out kids. A lot of people will stay for the kids. And though we once thought kids did better when parents were apart, but "happy", it turns out that kids are almost always better if parents don't divorce. The main exceptions are when there is abuse (emotional or physical), substance addiction, etc.


Also, a lot of marriage is just plain not giving up. This is not something external it is internal. It is being able to see the "light at the end of the tunnel". We ALL have rough times... and most people are able to work through them, if they want. And most will say that the end result was worth it, even if it did not seem so at the time. That last part is key!

Ironically, the government (US) actually encourages women to divorce. We came close when medical costs for one son were quite high. If I were not with my husband, they would have been covered 100%. The irony is that fathers being in a child's life is a major indicator of success for a child. So the state is acting against its very interest there.

Never been married, but a friend of mine almost married a girl, and let's just say we're all happy he didn't, including himself. She lied to him, cheated on him (when they were dating AND engaged), tried to tell him she was faithful to him when it was found out she was pregnant but the baby wasn't his, treated us (his friends) like crap, and wanted him to quit karate.

Needless to say we weren't just happy, we were ecstatic when we found out it was completely over between them.

Haven't been divorced, don't plan on it anytime soon either. First kid is due in December, and our anniversary is coming up in two weeks.

Optimus Prime wrote:Haven't been divorced, don't plan on it anytime soon either. First kid is due in December, and our anniversary is coming up in two weeks.

Nice send a photo.

I got divorced (no kids involved or other parties) we sold the house and...








I walked away with 12 grand!

First marriage: my worst mistake ever (including and exceeding home-made flair trousers).
Second one: best thing I ever did, she's still my best friend many years later, and results in two of the most interesting kids in the world.

muy_thaiguy wrote:a friend of mine almost married a girl, and let's just say we're all happy he didn't, including himself. She .......wanted him to quit karate.

This was the kicker (pardon the pun) for me. I have a friend who told his wife martial arts were there before her and would be there after her if necessary. He apparently meant it he's still a martial artist and has moved on to his second wife.

Nope...I got it right the first time.

Heading towards 16 years.

CrazyAnglican wrote:

muy_thaiguy wrote:a friend of mine almost married a girl, and let's just say we're all happy he didn't, including himself. She .......wanted him to quit karate.

This was the kicker (pardon the pun) for me. I have a friend who told his wife martial arts were there before her and would be there after her if necessary. He apparently meant it he's still a martial artist and has moved on to his second wife.

There are things you can't compromise on, and you need to agree on. They're different for different people ("you need to give up x if you're gonna be with me" - or jobs, pets, friends & family, dietary stance), but there are some that are common to all:

Where do we live? eg my brother didn't marry his first fiancee because she wanted to stay in Belgium and he could only get a job in the UK.

Should we have kids? no middle ground on this one. If one of you really really wants to and the other really really doesn't, you're stuck. I've seen relationships break up on this question.

What religion will we raise the kids in? 'nuff said.
,

Never will.

CrazyAnglican wrote:

muy_thaiguy wrote:a friend of mine almost married a girl, and let's just say we're all happy he didn't, including himself. She .......wanted him to quit karate.

This was the kicker (pardon the pun) for me. I have a friend who told his wife martial arts were there before her and would be there after her if necessary. He apparently meant it he's still a martial artist and has moved on to his second wife.

You see, he also had been doing karate since he was 3 (now 23) and is also the head instructor here in the Laramie branch. So it would have been problems on multiple scales.

And just to note, he remained faithful to her throughout, even though she wasn't. And a few things happened and they haven't talked to each other since she turned 21.

Snorri1234 wrote:Never will.

I know what you mean.