Conquer Club

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve
party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. we
phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house.
the cat we had put out in the backyard scooted back into the
house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird. My husband went out to the
taxi while I went inside to get the cat. the cat ran
upstairs with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my husband didn't want the driver to
know that the house would be empty for the night...so, he
explained to the driver that I would be out soon, "She's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab "Sorry I took so
long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me, but it worked...I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out in the backyard!"

The driver hit a parked car...

LMAO

Good one.

brilliant im actually crying with laughter!

One of the better ones I've heard in a while

Comic Genious

Might as well describe my trip to Kansas
For the record, i will never be using Greyhound...ever

Alright, so i wake up with a slight hangover (Yes i drank before i left for my trip but i honestly didnt care) Wake up my friend, pack my bags and leave for the station, i walk in expecting some nice people, but i meet a lady with a robot alarm clock that can tell the future and read time...But im not gonna go into that. The first bus was a hour and half late to a station only 15 minutes away down in Portland. I get to Portland then i learn there will be another delay...That takes fuckin 3 hours, so i sit there minding my own buisness. Suddenly an old man sits in front of me for 5 minutes, then gets up, i happened to turn my head at the right time to notice that the mans pants was down low enough for me to see his BARE FUCKIN ASS, so now im scarred with that image for the duration of the trip. Finally we get on the bus after the 3 hour wait, bus driver told us the next pit stop isnt in the next couple hours, so i think to myself "Okay, just sleep listen to music and everything will be okay". WRONG, when we get to the pit stop i noticed i didnt have any money for food! SO i just fuckified myself, 3 days with no food and little to no water, great. At the end of that day same old man rode my bus, his good god graceing ass sat back up, mooned everyone and sat back down, so at least everyone gets to share my misery . The next day and half trip is me trying to get to sleep with everyone coughing on me (for the record im sick, even as im typing this, one whole fucking week), the most sleep ive gotten was...maybe 5 hours, if i was lucky. My zune dies by the end of the first day so no music either. day 2 at night were 3-6 hours behind schedule, i arrive at Kansas City pretty damn near midnight, next bus didnt arrive for 6 hours. So i take the time to charge my phone and decided to tell my parents i left Washington (I didnt tell them for numerous reasons) They flip out, im arguing in front of everyone and i suddenly just yell f*ck! hang up and sit down. Now everyone thinks im crazy, and to be perfectly honest, i think i am. The next day trip i get seperated from the usual group and i get stuck on a bus with an airhead chick who doesnt know the sky from her ass, and buttload of convincts, so pretty much im sittin there thinking im FUCKED! Good news is im still here, the bad news is, IM STILL FUCKING HERE. By the time i got here i ate 2 cases of pizza and drank a 12 case of beer, called it a day and slept for 14 hours.

f*ck you greyhound

lol!

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."