Conquer Club

I'll start it off:
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?
''I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

^^^

There are 2 blondes on either side of a river, one shouts to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other one thinks for a second, then says, "You are on the other side!"

A duck is standing at the edge of a road, preparing to cross.

A chicken comes up to him and says "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

The Lord said: Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

The1exile wrote:A duck is standing at the edge of a road, preparing to cross.

A chicken comes up to him and says "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

Unfortunately my jokes suck.

A man stops at a petrol station, and begins to fill his car, when a stranger walks up to him with a clipboard, and tells him terrorists have kidnapped Paris Hilton, demanding a $100.000.000 reward before the end of the week, or they cover her in petrol and ignite her. He is collecting donations.

The man says "Oh, I see. Well, what do people tend to donate"

The stranger answers "Well...petrol prices these days, you know...around 10-15 litres..."

Haggis_McMutton wrote:The Lord said: Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

FOCFL (Falling Off Chair From Laughing)


What's pink, has a slit throat and gives me a hard-on?






A dead baby of course!

MeDeFe wrote:

Haggis_McMutton wrote:The Lord said: Come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

FOCFL (Falling Off Chair From Laughing)


What's pink, has a slit throat and gives me a hard-on?






A dead baby of course!

Ugh, you and qeee

I can not completely verify or falsify your statement dcow.

Q: What did the lesbian partners say to each other?

A: It's true, we do taste like chicken!

What's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?





I don't rape the sandwich before I eat it.

Hillary for President!

jay_a2j wrote:Hillary for President!

HAHAHA good joke

Three guys, a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican guy, are walking along the beach. The Mexican looks down and sees a genie's lamp lying in the sand and picks it up. He gives the lamp a rub, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "I am only allowed to grant three wishes, so you get one a piece." He looks at the Mexican and asks, "What is your wish?"

The Mexican, without hesitation, says, "I wish that all of my Mexican brothers and sisters in the US were rich and back in Mexico."

The genie claps his hands and POOF!, everyone of Mexican decent is in Mexico.

The genie looks at the black guy and asks, "What is your wish?"

The black guy says, "I wish all of my African brothers and sisters were back in Africa, and rich beyond their wildest dreams."

The genie claps his hands and POOF!, everyone of African decent is back in Africa.

Finally, the genie looks at the white guy and says, "What is your wish?"

The white thinks for a second. Then, finally, asks, "So, all of the mexicans and blacks are out of the U.S.? Then, I'll have a coke."

Genie jokes...

A guy is walking down the street kicking cans and draging his feet along the floor, he is seemingly depressed. Two extremely good looking girls walk by and look at him, as if they are intrested, he doesn't notice.

A little later the same guy is walking along the beach and kicking up sand as he goes along. *kick kick* He kicks a lamp, a genie lamp. So he does what any right minded person would do, rubs it.

A genie comes out of the lamp and says to the guy "You can have one wish and one wish only,you cannot wish for more wishes or money, what will it be?"

The guy doesn't reply.

"Well?" says the genie.

"anything?" asks the guy.

"Yes anything." replies the genie.

The guy says "Then I wish for my dick to touch the ground."

The genie asks if he is sure. The guy say he is.

The genie snaps his fingers and the guys legs disapear.

Genie jokes it is.

A squirrel and a chipmunk find a genie bottle. They rub it, and out pops a genie. The genie will grant them anything they want. So the squirrel wishes that all of the other squirrels in the world were female and that he was rich and had a huge squirrel house. The genie, naturally, grantedthe squirrel these wishes. So the squirrel went off to enjoy his new life. Now it was the chipmunks turn. The Chipmunk then wished for a Harley Davidson and a hot momma. And before letting the genie go, he then said, "I wish that that squirrel was gay."

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

YOUR AGE, BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway~but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read ... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .... If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ....... therapy

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

glide wrote:I'll start it off:
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to
a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?
''I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

This has been fucking done.

On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the roadside. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks. "Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the cab. As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Hell no!" says the girl. "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side of the road, "No f*ck, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig. A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Not for my life!" says the girl. "Well," says the truckdriver, "No f*ck, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out. Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again. "Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says. "Sure! Lets do it!" replies the girl. At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road. Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself. No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring. "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me."

"What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman.

"No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know."

"Oh shit!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front.

The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "No f*ck, no ride!"



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Dressed in Black

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."



_________________________________________________________________





They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it.

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store.

A kind old neighbour woman,MariBeth, mistook Joe for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

MariBeth fainted.

What do yuo cal a shaved hippies in a uniform?


Drafted.

why are the afgan"s so misinformed-because there is a teleban

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse to the side. The man strolls up to the bartender and says "I bet i can make that horse blush laugh and cry!"
Bartender says "YOUR ON!"
Man goes up to the horse and whispers somethin in his ear, the horse blushes.
Man whispers somethin again, The horse starts laughin.
The man takes the horse out back and through the window you can see the horses eyes go real big, then starts to cry.
Man goes back in the bar to get his drink. The bartender shocked at what he just saw asked "How the hell did you do that?"
Man says, "First i told the horse he was a sexy beast, he blushed. Then i told him i had a bigger penis then him, he laughed. Took him out back and showed him. He cried"