Conquer Club

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:49 pm**

Begbie: teachers asks class 'if there r 4 birds ona fence & u shoot one - how many left?'. Little johnny sez 'none - they wud all fly away with noise of shot'. teach sez ' correct answer is 4 but i like yr thinking'. Little johnny sez ' I have a question 4 u -
2007-07-23 12:38:22 - Begbie: ' 3 women sitting on bench having ice cream - 1 delicatley licking sides, 1 gobbling down top and sucking cone & 1 biting top off ice cream - which one is married?'
2007-07-23 12:39:47 - Begbie: Teach blushes heavily and sez ' well i suppose its the 1 that gobbles top and sucked cone'. Little johnny sez ' its the 1 with the wedding ring but i like yr thinking!'

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:04 pm**

What does a pirate drive?

A caarrrrrr!

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:12 pm**

Minister Masket wrote:What does a pirate drive?

A caarrrrrr!

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:14 pm**

where does a sheep get his hair cut? a baaaaarbar shop

ok heres a good one.A man walks into a bar with a dog and says to the owner if i prove my dog is the smartest doeg will u give us free drinks? the owner says yes.so first question the guy asks wat texture is sandpaper "ruff ruff" second question what is on a tree? "bark bark" third and final question who is the best baseball player ever? "ruth ruth" the owner then kicks em out as there walking away the dog goes "do u think i should have said dimmagio?

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:16 pm**

Why did the bear throw the the butter out the window? To see the "butterfly"

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:17 pm**

Aries wrote:
Minister Masket wrote:What does a pirate drive?

A caarrrrrr!

Best. Joke. EVER!

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:20 pm**

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cuz eight nine ten!.

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:22 pm**

kwanton wrote:What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cuz eight nine ten!.

Kwanton watches "That's So Raven"!!! Stone/Burn him!

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:23 pm**

kwanton wrote:What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cuz eight nine ten!.

I think the second one is like this-

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 ate 9

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:27 pm**

MM: Which are you referring to? Both are common jokes.

dustn: Ummmmmm that was kinda the point.

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:28 pm**

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:38 pm**

why did the kid cross the playground?

to get to the other sLide

Posted: **Mon Jul 23, 2007 5:38 pm**

a guy walks into a pet shop and ask the seller for a parrot
the seller shows him 3 parrots on a perch
'how much for the left one' the guy says
'1000$' the seller says
'and what does he do ??' the guy asks
'he speaks 2 languages and knows how to type on a typewriter' the seller answers
'and the one on the right ??' the guy asks
'2000$' the seller says', 'but he speaks 4 languages and knows how to use a computer'
'i just want a parrot' the guy says, 'how much for that shabby one in the middle, without any feathers ??'
'5000$' the seller says
'what ??????, and what does he do for that ??' the guy says
the seller; 'i dunno, but the other 2 call him "boss" '

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:45 pm**

Where are the JOKES people!

In the spirit of the first joke, to get the ball rolling again:

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly stood up and said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.’"

Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ’fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:11 pm**

a man walks into a bar...

...ouch.

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:18 pm**

I have a joke but in the spirt of the previous poster I will use poor little Johnny as the scapegoat.

The teacher got up to the class and said, "Today we are going to learn to use words in sentences. I want you to give me a word and then use it in a sentence."

Little Johnny raised his hand, then got up and said, "Urinate."

The teacher was taken aback, but wanted to control the class, "That's interesting Johnny. Can you use it in a sentence."

Johny turned to a girl next to him and said, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten."

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:21 pm**

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender goes,"Why the long face?"

2 blonds are on either side of a river. One calls out to the other "How do you get to the other side?" The other one shouts back,"You ARE on the other side!"

A Jew walks into a bar, he buys it.

A Wyomingite, a Texan, and a Coloradan walk into the men's room and do their business. The Texan then finishes and goes and washes his hands. The Coloradan finishes and goes and washes his hands. The Wyomingite finishes, but heads right out the door. The Texan and Coloradan ask him, "Didn't your momma ever teach you to wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" The Wyomingite responds, "In Wyoming, we're taught NOT to piss on ourselves."

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:50 pm**

A fire fighter is working on the fire engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked
over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices that the girl has tied
the wagon to her dog's collar but tied the other strap to her cat's
testicles.

"Hey little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that strap around the cat's collar too, I think
maybe you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:57 pm**

Me: Knock, knock.

Sucker: Who's there?

Me: Ilene.

Sucker: Ilene who?

Me: Ilene over, you kiss my ass!

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:06 pm**

Little Johnny is in class. He puts up his hand, but the teacher doesn't notice. After a few minutes he is waving his hand around desperately.
Finally the teacher notices.
Teacher :Yes, Johnny?
Johnny: I gotta go to the bathroom!
Teacher: Then ask properly.
Johnny: Please, Miss, may I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Yes, Johnny - but first you must recite your alphabet.
Johnny: Uh, A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.
Teacher: Very good, Johnny. But what happened to the "P"?
Johnny: It's running down my leg, Miss, I was too late...

Posted: **Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:06 pm**

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink.

The bartender asks, "What will it be, donkey"?

The guy replies, "I'll have a whiskey on the rocks".

The bartender goes to get him the drink.

A regular at the bar who's sitting right beside this guy asks him, "Why do you let him call you a donkey"?

The guy answers, "EON, EON-WAYS CALLS ME THAT".

Posted: **Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:06 pm**

Two days and it's already fallen off the first page

Here's one I personally can relate to:

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. When asked why the pool is filled with alligators, the CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He is dodging the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. Anything I own is yours. Tell me what you want." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "I want you to tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

Posted: **Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:12 pm**

Little Johnny goes up to the front of his class for his show and tell project. He takes a piece of chalk and writes a dot on the chalkboard.The teacher says "What is that?
Johnny says "Thats a period."
"Whats so special about that?" asks the teacher.
Little Johnny replies "I dont know but this morning my sister missed one so my daddy had a heart attack my mommy ran away and the man next door shot himself."

On a side note. Im back.

Posted: **Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:16 pm**

kwanton wrote:MM: Which are you referring to? Both are common jokes.

The first one.

Posted: **Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:14 am**

A guy, wandering through the forest, comes upon a hut.
The guy inside says, "I will harbor you for the night, but if you so much as LOOK AT my daughter, I will perform on you the most excruciating tortures I know."
At dinner, the traveler tries to look at his dinner, but can't help it, and glances up. He hurriedly glances back down at his dinner, hoping that the old man didn't see him.
The next morning, he wakes up, to see a rock upon his chest. On it it says "Torture #1: Large rock on chest".
The guy thinks "Well, this is pretty crappy, if all the old man can do is this, I might as well leave."
He chucks the rock out the window, but suddenly notices on the windowsill, written in the dust, "Torture #2: Left testicle tied to rock."
The guy thinks "Shit," and jumps out the window. On the ground in huge letters are "Torture #3, Right testicle tied to bedpost."

*I could put sound effects, but I won't.*

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