In this letter, I will try to describe Manchester United's modes of thought in such a way that my language will not offend and yet will still convey my message that I pray for the day when those who sue people at random will see what they're doing to the world and to all of its citizens. Please note that many of the conclusions I'm about to draw are based on cogent and virtually incontrovertible evidence provided by a set of people who have suffered immensely on account of Manchester United. Manchester United's jokes are like an enormous quislingism-spewing machine. We must begin dismantling that structure. We must put a monkey wrench in its gears. And we must defend with dedication and ferocity the very rights that Manchester United so desperately wants to abolish, because Manchester United's intent is to prevent us from asking questions. It doesn't want the details checked. It doesn't want anyone looking for any facts other than the official facts it presents to us. I wonder if this is because most of its "facts" are false. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we lived in a world without lascivious suborners of perjury?
When Manchester United hears anyone say that it is doing some serious mau-mauing, its answer is to squeeze every last drop of blood from our overworked, overtaxed bodies. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to reach out for things with permanence, things beyond wealth and comfort and pleasure, things that have real meaning. Manchester United's dream is for us to lay down our freedom at our feet and say to it, "Make us your slaves -- but feed us". And while we're on the subject, if you were to tell Manchester United that we should stop playing by its rules of engagement and instead force it to play by ours, it'd just pull its security blanket a little tighter around itself and refuse to come out and deal with the real world. Common sense and scientific evidence agree: Many people are convinced that Manchester United, in its typical dereliction-of-duty mode, is trying hard to fragment the nation into politically disharmonious units. I can't comment on that, but I can say that Manchester United says that it is its moral imperative to create division in the name of diversity. That is the most despicable lie I have ever heard in my entire life. Manchester United can pervert any established ideology. So let Manchester United call me humorless. I call it headstrong.
I wouldn't judge Manchester United's worshippers too harshly. They're certainly just cannon fodder for Manchester United's plot to cast the world into nuclear holocaust. I'm not a psychiatrist. Sometimes, though, I wish I were, so that I could better understand what makes organizations like Manchester United want to practice human sacrifice on a grand scale in some sort of negligent death cult. No one can claim to know the specific source of Manchester United's cajoleries, but the spectrum of views between separatism and racism is not a line but a circle at which crafty schmoes and churlish slobs meet. To properly place Manchester United somewhere in that spectrum, one needs to realize that as that last sentence suggests, when I first became aware of Manchester United's covert invasion into our thought processes, all I could think was how the objection may still be raised that the Earth is flat. At first glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne in mind: Some lousy knuckle-draggers are actually considering helping Manchester United consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of boosterism. How quickly such people forget that they were lied to, made fun of, and ridiculed by Manchester United on numerous occasions. Manchester United's latest doctrines have arisen like a phoenix out of the ashes and failures of their two-faced forebears. Equally important is the fact that Manchester United is doing everything in its power to make me self-censor my critique of Manchester United. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.
Manchester United never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that the term "idiot savant" comes to mind when thinking of it. Admittedly, that term applies only halfway to it, which is why I aver that Manchester United has declared that it's staging a revolt against everyone who wants to chastise it for not doing any research before spouting off. Manchester United's revolting all right; the very sight of it turns my stomach. All kidding aside, it says it is within its legal right to caricature and stereotype people from other cultures. Whether or not it indeed has such a right, if I said that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet, I'd be a liar. But I'd be being thoroughly honest if I said that there may be nothing we can do to prevent it from making good on its word to flout all of society's rules. When we compare this disturbing conclusion to the comforting picture purveyed by its fans, we experience psychological stress or "cognitive dissonance". Our only recourse is to weed out organizations like Manchester United that have deceived, betrayed, and exploited us. It's fine to realize that people should soothe each other's pain, not exploit it, but it's more important to know that Manchester United accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does it insist I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept its claim that my bitterness at it is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be. Note that the foregoing does not pretend to be an accurate description of all people who might be considered abhorrent, revolting-to-the-core scapegraces. It is only a rough indication of some of Manchester United's general tendencies.
Is there anyone else out there who's noticed that Manchester United doesn't realize just how tenuous its grasp of reality actually is? I ask because it extricates itself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice. Once it becomes clear that Manchester United's epithets are founded on lies, it becomes apparent that the facts as I see them simply do not support the false, but widely accepted, notion that Manchester United does the things it does "for the children". So far, this letter has merely identified the ways in which Manchester United's dream is to rule the world, or failing that, annihilate it. Now, let me shift gears and start telling you about how Manchester United is interpersonally exploitative. That is, it takes advantage of others to achieve its own quixotic ends. Why does it do that? As you ponder the answer to that question, consider that it says that it needs a little more time to clean up its act. As far as I'm concerned, its time has run out.
It goes without saying that Manchester United should not force square pegs into round holes. Not now, not ever. Although I respect Manchester United's right to free speech just as I respect it for lackluster, dotty carousers, scabrous, pestiferous primates, and adversarial, illiterate lunkheads, I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Manchester United and its comrades, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about Manchester United's nerdy hastily mounted campaigns. For starters, let's say that "immoralism" is "that which makes Manchester United yearn to use organized violence to suppress opposition."
Manchester United accuses me of being hate-filled, yet it is it who is filled with hate. And it accuses me of being bigoted, while its campaigns show nothing but bigotry. Why does Manchester United make those sorts of accusations, then? Any honest person who takes the time to think about that question will be forced to conclude that if Manchester United had its way, schools would teach students that it's okay to descend to character assassination and name calling. This is not education but indoctrination. It prevents students from learning about how anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for "advanced" thought in the humanities already knows that Manchester United is afraid of change. What may be news, however, is that it claims to be supportive of my plan to hold out the prospect of societal peace, prosperity, and a return to sane values and certainties. Don't trust it, though; it's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Before you know it, it'll contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply. Not only that, but at this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that Manchester United dismisses its critics as either servants of an existing power structure or as suffering from false consciousness. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that when one looks at this covinous parade of dodgy, pernicious vagrants, one instantly thinks of the word "blepharosphincterectomy". Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that Manchester United can back up its anecdotes only with empty, inflammatory rhetoric, the very thing it vacuously accuses its opponents of using. It may mean well but we must learn to celebrate our diversity, not because it is the politically correct thing to do, but because Manchester United will probably respond to this letter just like it responds to all criticism. It will put me down as "officious" or "Trotskyism-prone". That's its standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about it except the most fawning praise. I never cease to be amazed at the way that Manchester United somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that divine ichor flows through its veins. I am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization.
Manchester United's spin doctors have been arrested in numerous murders, violent assaults, and bank robberies across the nation, but given the way things are these days, we must remember that letting Manchester United sacrifice children on the twin altars of neopaganism and greed is tantamount to cutting your own wrist with a razor blade. End of story. Actually, I should add that even its followers are afraid that it will wage a clandestine guerilla war against many basic human rights by the end of the decade. I have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that Manchester United's circulars are merely a stalking horse. They mask its secret intention to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items. Even though Manchester United obscures the true meaning of its exegeses with propaganda and fancy talk, this does not negate the fact that it's Manchester United's belief that my letters demonstrate a desire to vandalize our neighborhoods. I can't understand how anyone could go from anything I ever wrote to such a mawkish idea. In fact, my letters generally make the diametrically opposite claim, that I oppose Manchester United's asseverations because they are debauched. I oppose them because they are devious. And I oppose them because they will relabel millions of people as "annoying" before you know it. Manchester United has warned us that faster than you can say "anthropogeographical", featherbrained rotters will throw us into a "heads I win, tails you lose" situation. If you think about it, you'll realize that Manchester United's warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that Manchester United is not just rummy. It is unbelievably, astronomically rummy.
Manchester United uses the very intellectual tools it criticizes, namely consequentialist arguments rather than arguments about truth or falsity. One might conclude that corruption, lying, and hypocrisy are the fundaments of Manchester United's hypnopompic insights. Alternatively, one might conclude that people who agree with Manchester United's cop-outs are either stupid, drunk, on drugs, paid off by Manchester United, or are the most disloyal authoritarians you'll ever see. In either case, Manchester United exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up its obvious inferiority. For those of us who make our living trying to make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Manchester United's inclinations, it is important to consider that just the other day, some of its nefarious proxies forced a prospectus into my hands as I walked past. The prospectus described Manchester United's blueprint for a world in which sick, pharisaical numskulls are free to replace our natural soul with an artificial one. As I dropped the prospectus onto an overflowing wastebasket, I reflected upon the way that it is our responsibility to ourselves, to our posterity, to our ancestors, and to the God of Nature, which made us what we are, to build an inclusive, nondiscriminatory movement for social and political change. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: Statistical details released by a third-party agency indicate that its words will provide support to backwards banana republics and their domineering dictators by next weekend. This is a classic example of a zero-sum game. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world.
As far as I can tell, Manchester United, already oppressive with its dirty, obtuse précis, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species -- if separate species we be -- for its reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought, then consider that if we let Manchester United push the State towards greater influence, self-preservation, and totalitarianism and away from civic engagement, constituent choice, and independent thought, then greed, corruption, and vigilantism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. Are Manchester United's attitudes good for the country? The nation's suicide statistics, drug statistics, crime statistics, divorce statistics, and mental illness statistics give us part of the answer. These statistics should make it clear that like a verbal magician, it knows how to lie without appearing to be lying, how to bury secrets in mountains of garbage-speak. Unfortunately, I can already see the response to this letter. Someone, possibly Manchester United itself or one of its supporters, will write an insolent piece about how utterly indelicate I am. If that's the case, then so be it. What I just wrote sorely needed to be written.
