"You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit"

[Syzygy]

Rather keep quiet and be thought an idiot than speak up and remove all doubt.

[Dmunster]

"He who seeks happiness
By hurting those who seek happiness
Will never find happiness"

Part of a Budhist quote. Cant remember the whole thing.

[Hitman079]

"Hey son, what do you think of a father-son fishing trip?"
"That's a great idea, except.."
"Except what?"
"Isn't Grandpa dead?"
"I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU!"
-Zits (the comic strip)

[unriggable]

Unriggable=wannabe stache.

Oh excuse me if I shave

I just like that quote.

[reverend_kyle]

If you can imagine anyone obtaining this power of becoming invisible and never doing anything wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot -Plato, The Republic, Book II

-X

I never got past the first chapter of The Republic, but how would the lookers-on be able to see the person, in order to be able to think him a wretched idiot?

perhaps plato is the wretched idiot.

[qeee1]

"He who seeks happiness
By hurting those who seek happiness
Will never find happiness"

Part of a Budhist quote. Cant remember the whole thing.

that's freaking brilliant. me likes.

[Ehriggn]

Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

I prefer = "the question isn't if your paranoid, it's if your paranoid enough"

[2dimes]

If you can imagine anyone obtaining this power of becoming invisible and never doing anything wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot -Plato, The Republic, Book II

-X

I never got past the first chapter of The Republic, but how would the lookers-on be able to see the person, in order to be able to think him a wretched idiot?

perhaps plato is the wretched idiot.

No, no, I think it means he wanted to be invisible so he could go in the women's locker room to rifle though purses.

[Syzygy]

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

[Soujiro]

"Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Suess

[chewyman]

This is not good, this is not right
My feet stick out of bed at night
And when I pull them in, Oh dear!
My head sticks out of bed up here
- Dr Seuss

[Bertros Bertros]

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. - Dr Suess

[chewyman]

Bump, bump, bump
Did you ever ride a wump?
We have a wump with just one hump
But we know a man called Mr Gump
Mr Gump has a seven hump wump
So if you like to go bump, bump
Just jump on the hump of the wump of Gump
- Dr Seuss

It's kind of sad that the only poet I can quote is Dr Seuss

[Norse]

"If the river runs red, take the mud path instead"

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"

[unriggable]

THE HANGMAN

By Maurice Ogden

Into our town the hangman came,
smelling of gold and blood and flame.
He paced our bricks with a different air,
and built his frame on the courthouse square.

The scaffold stood by the courthouse side,
only as wide as the door was wide
with a frame as tall, or a little more,
than the capping sill of the courthouse door.

And we wondered whenever we had the time,
Who the criminal? What the crime?
The hangman judged with the yellow twist
of knotted hemp in his busy fist.

And innocent though we were with dread,
we passed those eyes of buckshot lead.
Till one cried, "Hangman, who is he,
for whom you raised the gallows-tree?"

Then a twinkle grew in his buckshot eye
and he gave a riddle instead of reply.
"He who serves me best," said he
"Shall earn the rope on the gallows-tree."

And he stepped down and laid his hand
on a man who came from another land.
And we breathed again, for anothers grief
at the hangmans hand, was our relief.

And the gallows frame on the courthouse lawn
by tomorrow's sun would be struck and gone.
So we gave him way and no one spoke
out of respect for his hangmans cloak.

The next day's sun looked mildly down
on roof and street in our quiet town;
and stark and black in the morning air
the gallows-tree on the courthouse square.

And the hangman stood at his usual stand
with the yellow hemp in his busy hand.
With his buckshot eye and his jaw like a pike,
and his air so knowing and business-like.

And we cried, "Hangman, have you not done,
yesterday with the alien one?"
Then we fell silent and stood amazed.
"Oh, not for him was the gallows raised."

He laughed a laugh as he looked at us,
"Do you think I've gone to all this fuss,
To hang one man? That's the thing I do.
To stretch the rope when the rope is new."

Above our silence a voice cried "Shame!"
and into our midst the hangman came;
to that mans place, "Do you hold," said he,
"With him that was meat for the gallows-tree?"

He laid his hand on that one's arm
and we shrank back in quick alarm.
We gave him way, and no one spoke,
out of fear of the hangmans cloak.

That night we saw with dread surprise
the hangmans scaffold had grown in size.
Fed by the blood beneath the chute,
the gallows-tree had taken root.

Now as wide, or a little more
than the steps that led to the courthouse door.
As tall as the writing, or nearly as tall,
half way up on the courthouse wall.

The third he took, we had all heard tell,
was a usurer..., an infidel.
And "What" said the hangman, "Have you to do
with the gallows-bound..., and he a Jew?"

And we cried out, "Is this one he
who has served you well and faithfully?"
The hangman smiled, "It's a clever scheme
to try the strength of the gallows beam."

The fourth man's dark accusing song
had scratched our comfort hard and long.
"And what concern," he gave us back,
"Have you ... for the doomed and black?"

The fifth, the sixth, and we cried again,
"Hangman, hangman, is this the man?"
"It's a trick", said he, "that we hangman know
for easing the trap when the trap springs slow."

And so we ceased and asked now more
as the hangman tallied his bloody score.
And sun by sun, and night by night
the gallows grew to monstrous height.

The wings of the scaffold opened wide
until they covered the square from side to side.
And the monster cross beam looking down,
cast its shadow across the town.

Then through the town the hangman came
and called through the empy streets...my name.
I looked at the gallows soaring tall
and thought ... there's no one left at all

for hanging ... and so he called to me
to help take down the gallows-tree.
And I went out with right good hope
to the hangmans tree and the hangmans rope.

He smiled at me as I came down
to the courthouse square...through the silent town.
Supple and stretched in his busy hand,
was the yellow twist of hempen strand.

He whistled his tune as he tried the trap
and it sprang down with a ready snap.
Then with a smile of awful command,
He laid his hand upon my hand.

"You tricked me Hangman." I shouted then,
"That your scaffold was built for other men,
and I'm no henchman of yours." I cried.
"You lied to me Hangman, foully lied."

Then a twinkle grew in his buckshot eye,
"Lied to you...tricked you?" He said "Not I...
for I answered straight and told you true.
The scaffold was raised for none but you."

"For who has served more faithfully?
With your coward's hope." said He,
"And where are the others that might have stood
side by your side, in the common good?"

"Dead!" I answered, and amiably
"Murdered," the Hangman corrected me.
"First the alien ... then the Jew.
I did no more than you let me do."

Beneath the beam that blocked the sky
none before stood so alone as I.
The Hangman then strapped me...with no voice there
to cry "Stay!" ... for me in the empty square.

[Gold Knight]

"Never ask about the man from Nantucket..."

[Huckleberryhound]

1. You can tell the character of a man by the way he treats people he does not have to treat well.

2. Don't shit in your own back yard.

[I GOT SERVED]

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where
they're going and hook up with them later. "

-Mitch Hedberg

[reverend_kyle]

If you can imagine anyone obtaining this power of becoming invisible and never doing anything wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot -Plato, The Republic, Book II

-X

I never got past the first chapter of The Republic, but how would the lookers-on be able to see the person, in order to be able to think him a wretched idiot?

perhaps plato is the wretched idiot.

No, no, I think it means he wanted to be invisible so he could go in the women's locker room to rifle though purses.

no he's saying people like that are stupid so he's the idiot.

[static_ice]

I can't think of much I'm tired but for now it'll have to be

"I'm not there all the time, ya know, some people-some people-some people call it insane! Yeah they call it insane!"
-sugar, system of a down

yeah...you don't get the full effect without the music

[2dimes]

If you can imagine anyone obtaining this power of becoming invisible and never doing anything wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot -Plato, The Republic, Book II

-X

I never got past the first chapter of The Republic, but how would the lookers-on be able to see the person, in order to be able to think him a wretched idiot?

perhaps plato is the wretched idiot.

No, no, I think it means he wanted to be invisible so he could go in the women's locker room to rifle though purses.

no he's saying people like that are stupid so he's the idiot.

I think he thinks not thinking that is the wrong thought.

[sam_levi_11]

i think so too lol

[runitsgibert]

I love quotes from Mitch Hedburg, who was a comedian whose stand-up acts mostly consisted of just single lines and quotes.

"Whenever I want to shave, I always figure that somewhere in the world, someone else is also shaving, so I say 'I'm going to go shave...TOO!"

"Why do they call it corn on the cob? That's how it grows on the plant. They should just call that corn. And they should call everything else corn OFF the cob. If someone found my arm laying there, they wouldn't call it "Mitch" and then if they sewed it back on, call it "Mitch all together!"

"My sister says I'm weird, but that's stupid, because she's the one who's weird!"

[I GOT SERVED]

Mitch Hedberg is the man. As evidenced by some of these quotes:

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

[Soujiro]

Long as we're quoting comedians:

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

- George Carlin

I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun." "Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom, boom. "You all saw him. He had a gun."

People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

- Bill Hicks