I was just sitting down to my Sunday roast when there was a knock at the door.
"Oi woman, see who that is" I told her indoors
She came back in a minute and said "Joe, its the police, they want to talk to you"
"Jesus what the hell do the Filth want?" I shouted
I went to the door, 2 coppers stood there both smoking Bensons
"Yeah? what do you want?" I growled
"Ah Mr Beevers" the oldest one said "I`m Constable Jones, this is Constable Hunt, we have reason to believe you bought some illegal tobacco yesterday, can we come in and have a look in your house?"
"No you can`t, my dinners getting cold Plod, now piss off out of it" I snarled
They both looked scared and the older one said "We must know Mr Beevers, did you buy any yesterday?"
"No" I replied, "Who told you I did?"
"We are not at liberty to say that" he replied
"What about if I gave you both 300 quid? You tell me then would ya?" I asked
"Well, maybe Sir"
I dug in my trouser pocket, pulled out 12 £50 notes and gave them to the older copper
"It was Snakey Sid Smith from over there" the older one said, pointing at a house opposite mine
"Yeah, good, now go away Filth" I replied, shutting the door in their faces.
I sat back down to dinner and wondered what to do, the answer was obvious.
After I`d eaten I phoned up Genial George.
He answered on the 2nd ring, "Hi Joe" he said
"Awight George? I gotta job for you Pal, sort out Snakey Sid Smith from near me will ya? do it at 4pm and bring along Camera Chris to take a video of it"
"Sure Joe, consider it done" he said.
At 4.05pm I could hear the screams coming from Sids place, I grinned and looked forward to the evenings entertainment, Chris would bring the video round after I had my supper.
So, at 930pm my phone rang, it was Chris.
"Awight Joe? I`m outside your house, I got that video for you"
"Cheers Pal, one minute"
I opened the door and took the package from Chris`s hand, I gave him £1K for his troubles.
I sent her indoors upstairs and went into my study, put the video in my old video recorder, poured a triple Whisky and sat down to watch.
Lets just say, I can`t see Sid walking again, and he will be eating his food through a straw for the next 20 years...
