Maplewoodstock pirate story.
Wotcha, landlubbers. I be called Brian Beardy.
Arrr!
And I am by way of bein' a pirate.
I wasn't always a pirate, yez knows – I was sort of forced into it by having this accent. I mean, what other job could you get when you can't help saying “arrr!” all the time?
But there's pirates and then there's pirates, you know.
Some are murdering blackguards and thieves. And liars and cheats. Who'd cut yer throat as soon as shake your hand. Who deserve a good hanging.
And then there's the bad ones.
Me, I'm one of the good ones. Why, I haven't made anybody walk the plank in months. Well, except for that one guy. And the other guy. Oh, and Danny. But he deserved it. He drank my grog, the scurvy villain!
Anyway, let me tell you about one of the meanest, dirtiest, most evil bilge-rats it was ever my misfortune to encounter.
His name was Dirty Jake McHorrible, and he was the owner of the most notorious ship on the High Seas – The Wicked Lady.
When people talked about Jake McHorrible and the Wicked Lady they talked in whispers, looking over their shoulders for fear of...well, just fear really. Whenever his name was whispered, why the Sun itself hid behind a cloud, even on the sunniest day.
Arrr, he were a bad 'un, he were. Do you know, he made so many men walk the plank that he wore it out and had to steal a new plank!
One day when I was sailing with Cap'n Horatio Hawk, on the good old Mucky Duck, we spotted a likely victim away off on the horizon. A Spanish ship she were, ...what's that? Oh, the Mucky Duck. No, she weren't really called the Mucky Duck. Her proper name were the Black Swan. But me and the lads – everyone really, we called her the Mucky Duck.
Where were I...So I'm pirating away with Cap'n Hawk, when we sees a Spanish ship. “Let's give chase!” sez he. “Pile on all sail! Man the guns! Clear the decks fer action!”
Now in those days, we weren't exactly pirates, we were more what you could call privateers. Now, if'n ye's being sunk and looted, ye might find some difficulty a-telling of the difference between 'em. But here's how it goes – If the King or Queen don't like their flag and ye loots 'em, then that's being a Privateer, but if the King or Queen does like their flag and ye loots 'em, that's bein' a Pirate.
Did you landlubbers ever hear of the Spanish Armada? Well, back in Good Queen Bessie’s day the Spanish sent a whole lot of war ships to England, full of soldiers meant to get rid o' the Queen and put some Spanish people in charge. We sank the lot of 'em, and she decided that any Spanish ships were fair game for any British privateers. “Brian,” she sez to me, “ I'd like ye to go out and rob and sink as many Spanish as ye can.”
Well, no she didn't really. I made that bit up. Arrr. But that's what she would've said, if'n she'd ever met me. I probably wouldn't've said very much back, on account of being a shy old salty sea dog, and likely also on account of how I'd just stolen some of her silver knives and forks and didn't want to draw too much attention to meself.
So when we sees a Spanish flag, we knew we could take 'er and the Queen wouldn't mind. We're gaining on her, cos the Cap'n is a better sailor than the hidalgo in charge of our quarry, and 'cos our hold was empty while hers was full.
When we catches her up, we sees that her name is El Diablo Empanada. We calls on her to surrender, and in reply she opens up with a broadside. Blammo! 'Enry Wilkinson and the entire number three gun crew are wiped out in a single moment. Arrr! That made me mad! He owed me 30 doubloons, the rapscallion. Trust him to find a way to get out of payin' me.
We gives her all the remaining guns on the port side, BOOM! – ripping off her sails so as she can't maneuver. We turns around, quick as you like, and gives her the starboard broadside. Grapeshot this time, to bring the numbers down. BOOM!
While they're getting over that, we come up close and its boarding time. I'm one of the first across, and as I swings across I picks my target – a great big beefy Spaniard with mustachios you could lose a goat in. He's twice my size, but none of it muscle. Turns out he can wield a sword like a good 'um, though. I had me work cut out, I can tell ye. Arrr! But that was a fight to remember. But in the end, he tired before I did, and I fed him a few inches of cold steel. When I looked up, the fightin' was over. The Spanish captain and what was left of the crew had dropped their weapons and thrown themselves on our mercy. Lucky for them, we had some in stock. We put 'em to sea in one of the ships boats, and even let 'em have a few provisions, to see 'em through. They didn't seem all that grateful though, judgin' by the way they kept cussin’ us in Spanish. As we sent 'em off, they shook their fists at us just as if we weren't doin' 'em a favor. Mayhap we should have given 'em an oar or a sail or something...but we gave 'em a chance, didn't we?
The only one we kept was their captain – he looked like he was worth a few doubloons. He could afford to buy his freedom back. Meanwhile, we takes all the loot, fires the ship, and makes our escape. A good day's work, we thought.
And then, we saw the Wicked lady bearing down on us. Aye, the Wicked Lady .With Dirty Jake at the helm.
We were doomed.
TO BE CONTINUED
I can't find any more, and I don't recall whether the story ever was continued.
